Children of parents in sexless marriage - how did it affect your relationships and marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

How would you feel if you discovered he was having sex with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

True but I don’t blame myself. I was blindsided hard by my spouses aspergers symptoms and subsequent Dx, once he hit the wall during my second pregnancy. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Or the kids can take it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Female.
I think the children know especially during covid from the very different sleep schedules, open bedroom door, and small townhouse with no extra rooms. There are no hugs, no handholding, no rubs on the back to acknowledge my presence. This has been going on for over 10 years. It's so embarrassing. I can't talk about it with anyone. I am so ashamed to be in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Op here again. This is not a happy marriage obvuously but I think we seem civil and pleasant to each other in front of the kids. He is my roommate. I want to leave but am not sure how I can support myself (unemployed) and wonder if my day to day would be any different from the way it is now. At least now there is someone to split most house duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

My parents had a wonderful marriage - but they certainly modeled surviving good times and hard times (my mom had 20 years of MS before she died this year). My childhood did not prepare me to recognize my DH’s mental health issues - we both had years of denial. It reached the point where it was
Frightening and I couldn’t deny it anymore. I don’t know what is going on with him but he is highly, highly dependent on me to alleviate his anxiety (general anxiety, self esteem problems and social anxiety). I used to think it impacted only me, but I think it has impacted my kids too (especially the one with anxiety). I hope in the end they will see my DH and I as sticking together through good times and bad. On the other hand, he is highly successful professionally and has a very healthy sex drive.

Same here, great fathers and brothers; mental health issues were not on my radar and I made a lot of excuses and benefits of the doubt for a naive nice guy who was asd when he had more than one responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless marriage - no sex period - and no physical contact. I know my teenage children notice. How will this affect them? In addition to wanting to feel desired again I often think about divorce/being with others in part so I can model better behavior. Or am I crazy for thinking this way?

This is a bullshit way to rationalize doing what YOU want to do. Turn their lives upside down “to model better behavior”? Yeah right.

Agree. F@cking delusional.

Haha. Op wants to get laid but only to model better behavior lol.

[Anonymous]

My parents fought, and not only were they sexless, touchless. I never, ever, not once, saw them hold hands or hug, ever. My mind was blown when I went to friends houses and saw their parents be affectionate. I thought it was very strange and I was very uncomfortable. I can’t blame 100% on my parents, but I do think a lot of what I saw and didn’t see growing up had somethjng to do with the person I married, had a kid with...and am now divorcing. Now, I don’t think a complete sexless marriage is worth divorcing, it depends on the couple. Some are content and function healthily with less, but maybe are affectionate with touch, and remain respectful, etc.

For those who stick it out for the kids but are truly miserable...get out. Just do it. And those who think their kids “have no idea...” my mother, to this day, thinks she threw us a curveball.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I will clarify that my divorce is not due to being sexless, but other more serious reasons (one of the 3 A’s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It didn't bother me at all or set a bad example at all. Seeing the hassle that my friends went through with their divorced parents and new partners and everything, I would not trade. Loving parents would have been nice, but divorce comes with a lot of other negatives.

If you want to divorce, own the choice for yourself. Don't tell your kids you are banging your new girlfriend for their benefit. They will find that disgusting and they will not agree with you.

Child of divorce here and this comment above is all you need to read because its absolutely accurate.

My parents stuck it out till my older sibling left for college, so I was 15 when they finally separated from their loveless but low conflict marriage. In hindsight, I am grateful they stuck it out long enough so I wasn't a shuttle kid on a custody schedule. It's not like if they divorced earlier, I would have been thrilled for them as a 10 year old that they found love. But it wouldn't have screwed me up for life either assuming they were mature about it.

You absolutely have a right to leave your sexless marriage, and it may make you a happier person and therefore a better parent. But you are doing it for you, not your kids, and that's ok. No different than the logic that if you decided to cheat so you could stay sane and married, you are doing it for you and not your kids, and that would also be ok.]

Just own the decision.

This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

I love the way you tell the PP that their feeling about their own childhood is "wrong." I thought PP sounded pretty rational, non-judgemental, and understanding that parents are just trying to do the best they can. You can rationalize your own decisions all you want, but PP is proof that staying together for the kids isn't a bad idea.

We don’t have to pretend like every feeing is valid. That pp was flat-out wrong.

Hi sanctimonious poster invalidating my experience. Tell me what marriages are valid? Only those whose parents regularly have sex? And only with each other? If one decides to cheat, then that marriage must end? According to your criteria for marriage, only those where the parents have a healthy sexual relationship and only with each other, about one in 4 at best would last

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

How would you feel if you discovered he was having sex with someone else?

Np: that’s an entirely different conversation than this one. Are you the type of person who assumes, not always correctly, that if the man isn’t having sex with his wife, he’s having it with someone else? In my case, he isn’t, but it would be hurtful if he were. I have confidence he’s not because he is ALWAYS home (even before COVID), I have more opportunities to have an affair than he does (I am not).

[Anonymous]

^^^^ 21:05 - should be PP, not NP

[Anonymous]

I think sexless vs loveless is completely different.

My best friend married the love of her life. Childhood best friends, high school sweethearts and they married at 24. I feel like you could have written a Nicholas Sparks book about them. At 26 he was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and it also messed with his heart. The meds he has to take mean he can’t ever have sex again (can’t get hard). They both really struggled that year but obviously realized their lives would never be better with someone else. They even had to do IUI to conceive their kids. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who knows and she says it was a hard blow but they’re really happy (we’re late 30s). They’re sweet to each other and I do see them kissing and holding hands. Not sure I could live sexless forever.

Both my parents and my in-laws (and all 4 sets of our grandparents) led wonderful marriages. I think being around so many different but functioning and loving marriages really prepared us. I didn’t feel like I was lied to about how hard marriage was. All my cousins and siblings are in good marriages too. I briefly dated a guy who wanted to argue and scream. Nope. I knew that wasn’t what I wanted in a partner. I felt like I always knew just what I wanted and I saw that in Dh. He felt the same way.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless marriage - no sex period - and no physical contact. I know my teenage children notice. How will this affect them? In addition to wanting to feel desired again I often think about divorce/being with others in part so I can model better behavior. Or am I crazy for thinking this way?

This is a bullshit way to rationalize doing what YOU want to do. Turn their lives upside down “to model better behavior”? Yeah right.

Agree. F@cking delusional.

Haha. Op wants to get laid but only to model better behavior lol.

And she doesn’t have a job either !! FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sexless vs loveless is completely different.

My best friend married the love of her life. Childhood best friends, high school sweethearts and they married at 24. I feel like you could have written a Nicholas Sparks book about them. At 26 he was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and it also messed with his heart. The meds he has to take mean he can’t ever have sex again (can’t get hard). They both really struggled that year but obviously realized their lives would never be better with someone else. They even had to do IUI to conceive their kids. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who knows and she says it was a hard blow but they’re really happy (we’re late 30s). They’re sweet to each other and I do see them kissing and holding hands. Not sure I could live sexless forever.

Both my parents and my in-laws (and all 4 sets of our grandparents) led wonderful marriages. I think being around so many different but functioning and loving marriages really prepared us. I didn’t feel like I was lied to about how hard marriage was. All my cousins and siblings are in good marriages too. I briefly dated a guy who wanted to argue and scream. Nope. I knew that wasn’t what I wanted in a partner. I felt like I always knew just what I wanted and I saw that in Dh. He felt the same way.

Hey, lesbians manage to have plenty of sex with zero erections involved. I hope your friends can learn to think outside the (ahem) box There is a world of sexual expression and sensuality that is not erection centered.