Children of parents in sexless marriage - how did it affect your relationships and marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How in the hell do your kids know the specifics of your sex life? Perhaps they notice if you are not affectionate, but they do not know what goes in your bedroom -- I hope.

And I hope you are not confusing affection and sex. Perhaps that is part of your problem.

X100000

I’m sure I’m not the only person on these boards who parents overshared the details of their marriage with their teen kids or even preteen kids - there wouldn’t be so many books, many bestselling, on the issues of dysfunctional parenting including concepts like emotional incest and parentification, where children are made a de facto therapist or parent of their own parent. Of course this type of parenting is more likely to occur in the context of a dysfunctional or struggling marriage.

So yeah, lots of kids know whether or not their parents are having sex - and not just the billions of kids who share a room with their parents across the globe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children do not care about how little sex their parents are having, period. It’s ironic to me that the same people waxing about their desire to model healthy marriages/love/partnership as the justification for their divorce have no desire to model fidelity to your vow, relational sacrifice for your child or keeping a commitment.

Yeah. It’s strange.

And as a kid- it’s disgusting to think of your parents having sex. It’s the last thing you want to imagine. Gross

You don’t realize it as a kid but you know when you’re a teen and also as an adult looking back at your childhood. It’s easy to spot as an adult which couples that I’m close with don’t have sex. Maybe boys don’t realize it as much as girls.

I always find the people who think they can spot what happens (or doesn’t) in other people’s bedrooms creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my parents had/have a sexless relationship. They were excellent co parents, financial partners and ran a household together wonderfully. As a kid it bothered me that they didn’t kiss and hold hands. Or go on dates or vacations by themselves.

I am SO glad they stayed married!!!!! They were both able to be at my graduations, they were both able to be there for me when I gave birth and had newborns (my friends with divorced parents either fought or didn’t come together at the same time to visit) and now that they’re 70+, they care for each other. I’m so glad as an adult I only have 2 holidays (1 in-law, 1 my parents) instead of 4. I love how my parents support each other through hospitalizations and illnesses. Recently my parent had an emergency surgery and flew to another city for it. I love them but no way could I have dropped my 3 kids and work easily for a week to be there. Glad my dad was able to fly and stay in a hotel there with her.

Their lack of romantic affection didn’t affect me. I married a wonderful man (just like my dad!) and have a romantic, affectionate marriage. We do prioritize our marriage though

I think it would be selfish to divorce for lack of sex. But I also think it’s selfish to not have sex with your partner. How selfish can you be to not be able to do it once a week?

I’m confused as to why you think your parents had/have a sexless marriage. Usually, a couple that are close are not sexless.

My DH is not super emotional, and is not super physically affectionate in casual ways, but this does not mean he doesn’t have a sex drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How in the hell do your kids know the specifics of your sex life? Perhaps they notice if you are not affectionate, but they do not know what goes in your bedroom -- I hope.

And I hope you are not confusing affection and sex. Perhaps that is part of your problem.

X100000

I’m sure I’m not the only person on these boards who parents overshared the details of their marriage with their teen kids or even preteen kids - there wouldn’t be so many books, many bestselling, on the issues of dysfunctional parenting including concepts like emotional incest and parentification, where children are made a de facto therapist or parent of their own parent. Of course this type of parenting is more likely to occur in the context of a dysfunctional or struggling marriage.

So yeah, lots of kids know whether or not their parents are having sex - and not just the billions of kids who share a room with their parents across the globe.

My parents did their best to keep quiet behind closed doors but I wasn’t blind to what was going on but it was pretty bizarre to realize my parents were having sex at around age 50. They were old people! But now I realize how it was part of their wonderful and healthy relationship. They are both 70 now and still very youthful and in good health so I expect that sex could well be ongoing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my parents had/have a sexless relationship. They were excellent co parents, financial partners and ran a household together wonderfully. As a kid it bothered me that they didn’t kiss and hold hands. Or go on dates or vacations by themselves.

I am SO glad they stayed married!!!!! They were both able to be at my graduations, they were both able to be there for me when I gave birth and had newborns (my friends with divorced parents either fought or didn’t come together at the same time to visit) and now that they’re 70+, they care for each other. I’m so glad as an adult I only have 2 holidays (1 in-law, 1 my parents) instead of 4. I love how my parents support each other through hospitalizations and illnesses. Recently my parent had an emergency surgery and flew to another city for it. I love them but no way could I have dropped my 3 kids and work easily for a week to be there. Glad my dad was able to fly and stay in a hotel there with her.

Their lack of romantic affection didn’t affect me. I married a wonderful man (just like my dad!) and have a romantic, affectionate marriage. We do prioritize our marriage though

I think it would be selfish to divorce for lack of sex. But I also think it’s selfish to not have sex with your partner. How selfish can you be to not be able to do it once a week?

I’m confused as to why you think your parents had/have a sexless marriage. Usually, a couple that are close are not sexless.

My DH is not super emotional, and is not super physically affectionate in casual ways, but this does not mean he doesn’t have a sex drive.

My husband is not into PDAs and is not super emotional but in private he can be sweet and endearing. Even at 66 he still has a very strong sex drive and I do my best to keep up with him. I’m sure our adult children would be shocked about what goes on in our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a teenager I had no idea if my parents were having sex or not.

Nor did you want to know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children do not care about how little sex their parents are having, period. It’s ironic to me that the same people waxing about their desire to model healthy marriages/love/partnership as the justification for their divorce have no desire to model fidelity to your vow, relational sacrifice for your child or keeping a commitment.

Yeah. It’s strange.

And as a kid- it’s disgusting to think of your parents having sex. It’s the last thing you want to imagine. Gross

You don’t realize it as a kid but you know when you’re a teen and also as an adult looking back at your childhood. It’s easy to spot as an adult which couples that I’m close with don’t have sex. Maybe boys don’t realize it as much as girls.

How do you know if couples aren’t having sex? I have no clue. One time my friend told me she hadn’t slept with her DH in 9 months and I was totally shocked. I cannot imagine going so long without sex with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children do not care about how little sex their parents are having, period. It’s ironic to me that the same people waxing about their desire to model healthy marriages/love/partnership as the justification for their divorce have no desire to model fidelity to your vow, relational sacrifice for your child or keeping a commitment.

Yeah. It’s strange.

And as a kid- it’s disgusting to think of your parents having sex. It’s the last thing you want to imagine. Gross

You don’t realize it as a kid but you know when you’re a teen and also as an adult looking back at your childhood. It’s easy to spot as an adult which couples that I’m close with don’t have sex. Maybe boys don’t realize it as much as girls.

I always find the people who think they can spot what happens (or doesn’t) in other people’s bedrooms creepy.

No one’s peeping in your bedroom window. It’s just having a little bit of empathy and noticing what’s going on with other people.