Children of parents in sexless marriage - how did it affect your relationships and marriage?

[Anonymous]

I think children usually want to avoid their parents' mistakes.

The kids of divorced parents that I know mostly hope to never get divorced.

I have never known any child to be better off after their parents' divorce, although some have ended up in a neutral place with a civil large stepfamily on both sides.

The two main causes I have seen are husband's infidelity and husband's unwillingness to be an equal partner (housework, childcare, life planning). Kids usually figure these things out.

Cultures have different rules about PDA. I don't think kids younger than teens are too sensitive to grownup romantic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Female.
I think the children know especially during covid from the very different sleep schedules, open bedroom door, and small townhouse with no extra rooms. There are no hugs, no handholding, no rubs on the back to acknowledge my presence. This has been going on for over 10 years. It's so embarrassing. I can't talk about it with anyone. I am so ashamed to be in this situation.

What's shameful about it?

NP here and it's completely embarrassing to admit you are in a sexless marriage. It's hard enough to admit it as a man, but at least men have company, since many marriemen are sex starved and it's the most common compliant among long term married men (and an abundance of old jokes and Hollywood themes on this).

For women, it's different since men are expected to always want it. My friends will talk about how their husbands want sex all the time and how annoying it is when men expect it at the worst moments yet I married the dude who is happily celibate

I understand this well. And even when you try to talk to friends about it it becomes a conversation about sex tips. I have serious skills, he’s low T and uninterested in rectifying that. It’s humiliating enough without friends offering seduction advice....yeah I know how to do all of that too, I married in my 30s and have life experiences. Grrrr

Sorry to hear that. When men share their rejection stories, it's a "join the club, dude" or "how about a Costa Rica or Vegas guys trip and you can pay for it?"

It's widespread for men to be rejected sexually by their spouse. I had a close friend who was a paid escort and she said almost all of her clients were men 35-50 and married.

You were close friends with a paid escort. And cool with her career choice. Guessing you were a client too, maybe.

[Anonymous]

I knew my parents didn't have sex because they never slept in the same room (since I was a toddler), they pretty much hated each other and never touched each other, my father was a totally unemotional or loving person even with me, and my mom was miserable, and it was obviously clear they weren't have sex. He never even hugged her. They never got divorced. Their marriage got somewhat better when they got older. I did want them to get divorced. I think my dad is asexual and never would have remarried, but he had a lot of money, and my mom "married up," and I think she was terrified of being poor again (even though she had her own successful business).

It made me feel that I would never want that kind of marriage. But now I am almost 50 and in a sexless marriage. The difference is that it wasn't always that way and that my husband and I still like each other. The passion just faded over a long time.

Looking back, I don't think I really cared or thought about whether my parents had sex. That was not the issue. It was that my dad was emotionally cold to my mom and treated her badly and that made me upset. I think your children likely care more about if treat each other warmly, which is not clear from the post.

Eventually, most people end up in sexless relationships--or mostly sexless relationships. What hopefully remains in the companionship and caring. So, I would be much more concerned about my kids seeing coldness or meanness than knowing I wasn't having sex. They don't really want to know about your sex life anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's interesting to see that women seem to be able to tolerate sexless marriages. Not that they are happy about it, but if there is love they seem to be able to live with it. Men, I can't see this being sustainable. Men's love language is sexual touch, and you can't have love without the sex.

What useless generalities. I'm a DW. My DH and I are middle aged, have been married 25+ years and haven't had PIV sex in about 4 years. On a daily basis, my DH shows and tells me how much he loves me. DH has an underlying health condition that has resulted in ED. Neither of us are happy about the ED but appreciate he is, otherwise, healthy.

It's one thing to say that sex can encourage and reinforce intimacy but to say that you can't have love without sex is just drivel. Many couples experience health conditions that prevent PIV sex but that doesn't mean their love ends. Marriages don't end because of lack of sex. Marriages end because of a lack of intimacy, respect, consideration and communication.

This is us as well. DH started having trouble with ED in his 50s. We are in our 60s now and it's probably been 6 years.

But we are still loving and committed. There is no cheating. My DH is also on an anti depressant so I think that helps. I miss our former romantic relationship. It was like a honeymoon for 15 years, then kids came along, including a disability for one. Still good for another 10 years. Then menopause for me and his health issues.

We are both trying to get our health issues under control and are hoping for a romantic Renaissance in retirement. We also have grinding work weeks and are exhausted a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Looking back on it now it is incredible to me how little I understood of my parents private Ives and se life or lack thereof. When the kids themselves are virgins they really have no idea what it is all about and most people never think about their parents having sex whether they do or not.

[Anonymous]

I never got married because I witnessed firsthand the devolution of my parents marriage from passionate sex and volatile emotional connection to loveless dead bedroom and oozing contempt.

I was never willing to roll the dice and possibly end up in such an all too common type of loveless marriage. I really think that being on one’s own and having the energy to cultivate joy in other kinds of relationships is healthier than enduring in a loveless marriage that erodes you every day.

[Anonymous]

Children do not care about how little sex their parents are having, period. It’s ironic to me that the same people waxing about their desire to model healthy marriages/love/partnership as the justification for their divorce have no desire to model fidelity to your vow, relational sacrifice for your child or keeping a commitment.

[Anonymous]

They don’t know not think about it (parents sex) either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People always stress the negative results on kids from a unhappy marriage but don’t really talk about the results of a happy marriage. My parents have been married 70 years—they certainly fight but they love each other a lot. My dad calls my mom luvamylife, and he kissed her every single morning before leaving for work.
I think I was totally unprepared to recgonize any red flags—and I think my siblings sort of were in the same boat. I am in a miserable marriage because for years I told myself that people who love each other put the work in and stick it out. Maybe with miserable divorced parents I would have been more guarded, less trusting and naively optimistic? If nothing else good comes of this, I think at least my daughter will be a little more wary than I was. Some people may think that’s screwed up, but I think it’s an advantage.

I’m quite sure you are in the minority! You simply married wrong. Don’t blame your happily married parents for your failings.

There's no winning. Even if youre happily married, some kid out there will blame you for that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a sexless, but not loveless marriage - there’s a huge difference and I hate reading the posts where people are using the terms interchangeably. My husband and I also like (not just love) one another and joke and have fun, so I don’t think our child is going to have lasting difficulties because his parents don’t have sex.

FWIW, I’m the wife and not the reason the marriage is sexless.

Not to derail the thread, but...how are you coping with this? You seem ok with it, or perhaps I misread that. I am in your boat too and a life of celibacy seems so lonely and devoid of life's greatest pleasure

PP: I have reconciled and accepted it - the first few years were hard and demoralizing. I knew my husband had “issues” when we married, although I didn’t think it would completely end within the first year, so we didn’t go from a very active sex life to nothing, which I think would have been harder to deal with.

It’s been 14 yrs since we last had sex and I’ve accepted that I will probably never have intercourses again, ever. But, overall, i think our marriage has many more positives than this one, big negative. I also understand that there will be people who don’t understand how/why I accept this, just as I don’t understand why people will leave a marriage when the only bad thing is the lack of sex – neither reaction is right or wrong, we each have to choose what’s best for each of us and our own circumstances.

Regarding celibacy and loneliness, I am a major introvert and someone who does not need a lot of human interaction and affection - that’s not a major “driver” in my life, so that part isn’t difficult for me. My husband and I still connect intellectually and he still makes me laugh and that’s more important to me, whereas you may need more emotional connection (not a slam, just a difference).

What are your husband’s issues? Issues can be addressed. I don’t understand how or why you are okay with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children do not care about how little sex their parents are having, period. It’s ironic to me that the same people waxing about their desire to model healthy marriages/love/partnership as the justification for their divorce have no desire to model fidelity to your vow, relational sacrifice for your child or keeping a commitment.

Yeah. It’s strange.

And as a kid- it’s disgusting to think of your parents having sex. It’s the last thing you want to imagine. Gross

[Anonymous]

I think my parents had/have a sexless relationship. They were excellent co parents, financial partners and ran a household together wonderfully. As a kid it bothered me that they didn’t kiss and hold hands. Or go on dates or vacations by themselves.

I am SO glad they stayed married!!!!! They were both able to be at my graduations, they were both able to be there for me when I gave birth and had newborns (my friends with divorced parents either fought or didn’t come together at the same time to visit) and now that they’re 70+, they care for each other. I’m so glad as an adult I only have 2 holidays (1 in-law, 1 my parents) instead of 4. I love how my parents support each other through hospitalizations and illnesses. Recently my parent had an emergency surgery and flew to another city for it. I love them but no way could I have dropped my 3 kids and work easily for a week to be there. Glad my dad was able to fly and stay in a hotel there with her.

Their lack of romantic affection didn’t affect me. I married a wonderful man (just like my dad!) and have a romantic, affectionate marriage. We do prioritize our marriage though

I think it would be selfish to divorce for lack of sex. But I also think it’s selfish to not have sex with your partner. How selfish can you be to not be able to do it once a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children do not care about how little sex their parents are having, period. It’s ironic to me that the same people waxing about their desire to model healthy marriages/love/partnership as the justification for their divorce have no desire to model fidelity to your vow, relational sacrifice for your child or keeping a commitment.

Yeah. It’s strange.

And as a kid- it’s disgusting to think of your parents having sex. It’s the last thing you want to imagine. Gross

You don’t realize it as a kid but you know when you’re a teen and also as an adult looking back at your childhood. It’s easy to spot as an adult which couples that I’m close with don’t have sex. Maybe boys don’t realize it as much as girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is wrong. It’s never good for the children to live in a house where the parents have no love for each other. And yes, the kids know.

This is an over statement. We don't have that much power on our kids. I continue to grow and learn after I left home. So does everybody.

A stunningly ignorant assertion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How in the hell do your kids know the specifics of your sex life? Perhaps they notice if you are not affectionate, but they do not know what goes in your bedroom -- I hope.

And I hope you are not confusing affection and sex. Perhaps that is part of your problem.

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