Reply to I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It is not so easy to just share a schedule and space with him. He is very rigid about his routine — what he does in what order and the timing, kids’ and my schedule be damned — he watches shows on his phone, spends most of the day with his headphones in with music or a show or whatever, I can’t get all my work done during the day because the kids are home so I don’t see how PPs think I have any option here than to stay up and finish my work? Doing laundry can wait for instance but work committments can’t, so I’m not sure how to change the situation we’re in as far as schedules. As I said I have hired a sitter to come help with the kids during the day in the hopes I can catchup and not have to stay up so late working.

As far as why he doesn’t/didn’t go out with me to see friends, I guess he would feel pressured to drink when he is abstaining for his nutrition/fitness? He just prefers to be home and do his own thing. See previous about his rigidity. He is more of an introvert and doesn’t like to socialize as much as I do.

I have expressed my needs to which he had little response, verbally or in actions. Because we have these communication circles I suggested therapy which he will not do. I’m not sure why I need to keep doing “the work” here. Yes COVID has made DH and I see one another all the time of course, which has made us talk more, but it feels like speaking to a friend.

I am in my mid to late 30s and my crush or whatever it is is in his early 30s. I did not “quiz” him about his exes contrary to belief of PPs, he brought it up in conversation. As I said I do not recall how it came up. Whether or not he is “out of my league” I don’t know, it’s not like he’s a supermodel — and my attraction to him is only partly physical. In fact I think any physical attraction to him stems predominantly from 1) his attention toward me and 1b) our connection and conversation as a result of that attention.

To the PP who has had a crush for two years, what is the endgame for you? Two years feels like a long time to have these kind of intense feelings without changes in or end to the current relationship?

I do not want to have an affair. I just do not know how to deal with these emotions alone and also with the finer points they have put on  my relationship and Problems with my DH. That is why I posted on a random internet board. [/quote]

I'm in a very similar situation, right down to the different bedtimes.

For me, a big question has become, what do we, individually, want from marriage? I look at long-lasting marriages in my family. Many of my relatives and their spouses suffered through hard times together-- the Great Depression, World Wars, poverty, the birth of 6, 8 children, children dying, cancer, you name it. I wonder if some of these people had the mental bandwidth for crushes or affairs. Would they even have cared if their spouse had a crush? Maintaining the home and family was the purpose of it all.

None of them ever lived alone. They had no idea how to pay rent alone, run a household alone, find friends alone, travel alone. Most only had a hobby or two. Marriage was a way to fit into their communities, and to survive. And religion played HUGE part in keeping them together. Marriage was the foundation of everything for them. In their world, if you didn't marry, something was off. Maybe gay? Mentally ill?

In 2020, I think we expect a lot more from marriage. We want all of that and then some. And we have the means to get out of bad ones if we have to (we'd just have to pay the social price, such as shunning from family, disappointing parents, friends dropping off but I think even these days, that price isn't really that high anymore). If you're 35, you're educated, have a good job, have savings, and you're married to someone you have no deep connection to and therapy does nothing or brings that lack of connection to the forefront, then why stay for another 30 years? Does everyone have to work on fixing something and keep a lackluster marriage going for decades more?

So, OP, you're in your 30s. Can you do this for 30 more years, or more? Do you feel it will work out? Do you want it to? Is divorce the most devastating thing you can imagine ever happening?

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