How do you politely decline a request of guardianship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

This. Statistically 4 adults will not die in the next two years. Also they live in different homes so even less odds of dying in a car crash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who had to rely on guardians, please don’t step up if you’re not going to follow through the moment that boy needs your help. I would consider beyond the age of 18 as well. If not you it’s better they can have someone else’s doorstep they can show up on at midnight with their problems.

Our father died in his 70s and my mom was diagnosed with dementia soon after. I was off to college, but my younger sister was still in the home and for some reason the primary guardians didn’t step too rapidly because they thought my mother could still handle things at home.(Dementia is a slow progression right??!)

My sister ended up getting raped, while my mother was home.

And now the Guardians not only have the behavior issues from before, but the trauma of a rape victim.

I'm so sorry. How's your sister doing now?

She’s doing a lot better.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want it, decline. You say you have enough on your plate already. I would not bank on 4 people or 10 people not dying. You just say no rather than saying yes and praying everyone stays healthy. It's not just that they can't die...they can't become disabled or develop cancer or do a million things. Once you are on the list, you are a total asshole for declining. Just don't get on the list and you may be guilt tripped, but in the end you are not wasting time praying everyone is able-bodied if the time comes.

[Anonymous]

I should add I know of a real life case where all people on list were unable even though living. My cousin adopted later in life and to be polite her friends agreed to be on the list because she was estranged from her sister and brother. Cousin became ill and unable to care for her daughter and he friends bailed for health reasons, eldercare issues, etc. These things happen. Let her find people who absolutely will take the child and who's lives can adapt accordingly.

[Anonymous]

If you plan to say no, you can say something along the lines of what my brother said when I asked him: "You know I adore the kids" (I do and he does), "but if you have other, more settled people in your life you could ask, I should probably come after them" (he's a bachelor with chronic health issues). "But if you need me you know I'll always be there for them and will do whatever they need, and would be extra involved as an uncle." (I might, I do, and he would.) No hard feelings. I appreciated his honesty and self-awareness. He's still on the list, but he's like 4th in line. Just be really open and sincere and kind if you do say no.

[Anonymous]

I asked my brother (and his wife) while I was pregnant with my first child. I then didn’t have my act together and never finalized the will. I’m glad because they ended up divorced, she cut our family off, and he remarried someone who is fine but I can’t really imagine raising our children. I asked him over my sister in part because he lived closer to other relatives who could help. But now we have informally asked my sister. We need to decide who to name next - my husband’s siblings have gotten married / are older now and we would consider my brother or one of them.

[Anonymous]

Pp here - our kids know my family better / see them more, but I’m particularly close to one of my husband’s sisters. They live abroad though so not sure I’d want to put my kids through that kind of change...it’s all so complicated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to say no, you can say something along the lines of what my brother said when I asked him: "You know I adore the kids" (I do and he does), "but if you have other, more settled people in your life you could ask, I should probably come after them" (he's a bachelor with chronic health issues). "But if you need me you know I'll always be there for them and will do whatever they need, and would be extra involved as an uncle." (I might, I do, and he would.) No hard feelings. I appreciated his honesty and self-awareness. He's still on the list, but he's like 4th in line. Just be really open and sincere and kind if you do say no.

This is different. Your brother has reasons why it would be physically very difficult for him to fulfill the obligations, not just not wanting the burden. Plus, he said he would do it if needed. He sounds like a very good brother and uncle.

My sister asked one of our brothers if he would be the guardian for her son back when her son was a kid. Our brother declined, saying he didn't want kids. Now there are hard feelings 20+ years later. Our sister wasn't asking if he wanted kids; she was asking if he would care for her young son if he was alone in the world and had no one else to care for him. I was too young at the time to be considered, and I recall her being so upset because there really wasn't another decent option.

Now for my kids, my sister is #1 in line for guardianship and her husband is #2, because even if something happened to her then he would be our next best choice. We come from a really messed up family so there are very few safe options.

OP, do what you want, but know that it will probably harm your relationship if you say you'd rather leave her kid alone in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

This.

[Anonymous]

There is a special place in hell for people who say "yes" to be known as a good person, but who have no intention of ever taking in a child. It does not matter where you are on the list. You must do the right thing and ensure that child has people who truly want him or her. When I worked with the foster care system I saw way too many cases of person after person who agreed to be on legal papers, but in the end refused to take the child. If you say no, there may be repercussions, but the good news is the person is forced to look for people who truly want the child. Bad things happen and it is wrong to assume all the people before you are BSing as well. This is about a human life, not keeping up appearances because you are afraid to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to say no, you can say something along the lines of what my brother said when I asked him: "You know I adore the kids" (I do and he does), "but if you have other, more settled people in your life you could ask, I should probably come after them" (he's a bachelor with chronic health issues). "But if you need me you know I'll always be there for them and will do whatever they need, and would be extra involved as an uncle." (I might, I do, and he would.) No hard feelings. I appreciated his honesty and self-awareness. He's still on the list, but he's like 4th in line. Just be really open and sincere and kind if you do say no.

This is different. Your brother has reasons why it would be physically very difficult for him to fulfill the obligations, not just not wanting the burden. Plus, he said he would do it if needed. He sounds like a very good brother and uncle.

My sister asked one of our brothers if he would be the guardian for her son back when her son was a kid. Our brother declined, saying he didn't want kids. Now there are hard feelings 20+ years later. Our sister wasn't asking if he wanted kids; she was asking if he would care for her young son if he was alone in the world and had no one else to care for him. I was too young at the time to be considered, and I recall her being so upset because there really wasn't another decent option.

Now for my kids, my sister is #1 in line for guardianship and her husband is #2, because even if something happened to her then he would be our next best choice. We come from a really messed up family so there are very few safe options.

OP, do what you want, but know that it will probably harm your relationship if you say you'd rather leave her kid alone in the world.

If you don't have the family system, then you create your village. This is where close friends come in. If he doesn't want kids, he should not be the emergency guardian. It would be far worse for him to say yes, she doesn't look for enough truly willing people, and then I guarantee one of 2 things happen in the event of crisis a) He refuses to take the child. Happens all.the.time. Plenty of kids in foster care have people who claimed they were willing to take in the child in case of emergency (death isn't the only reason a child needs a placement). B) He takes in the child and gives the child a miserable life because he is full of resentment.

I cannot advocate enough for people to only agree to guardianship if you are truly willing to take that child in a provide a stable and loving home no matter your own circumstances. It is cruel to agree to it to simply keep the peace. You would be surprised how many people even first and second on the list never had any intention of actually stepping in if needed. Think long and hard about whether you can truly provide a home for the child. If not, say what you can do instead....visit, be a loving influence, or whatever. Do not promise something you cannot deliver even if 10th on the list. I have heard it all.....

Here is the list of excuses I have heard from people first, second, third and 4th on the legal list of potential guardians

1.) I just agreed because we are sisters, but my kids don't get along with hers.
2.) Work is too busy.
3.) I now have an elderly parent to care for (who lives in assisted living).
4.) My husband doesn't want it.
5.) He/she has too many behavioral or emotional issues.
6.) I don't have the energy. I was younger when I agreed.
7.) I have my own health issues now.
8.) Don't have room in our home.
9.) She causes too much drama and chaos.
10). We don't want to deal with a child who has been traumatized.

I could go on. Assume no matter where you are on the list that you are #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to say no, you can say something along the lines of what my brother said when I asked him: "You know I adore the kids" (I do and he does), "but if you have other, more settled people in your life you could ask, I should probably come after them" (he's a bachelor with chronic health issues). "But if you need me you know I'll always be there for them and will do whatever they need, and would be extra involved as an uncle." (I might, I do, and he would.) No hard feelings. I appreciated his honesty and self-awareness. He's still on the list, but he's like 4th in line. Just be really open and sincere and kind if you do say no.

This is different. Your brother has reasons why it would be physically very difficult for him to fulfill the obligations, not just not wanting the burden. Plus, he said he would do it if needed. He sounds like a very good brother and uncle.

My sister asked one of our brothers if he would be the guardian for her son back when her son was a kid. Our brother declined, saying he didn't want kids. Now there are hard feelings 20+ years later. Our sister wasn't asking if he wanted kids; she was asking if he would care for her young son if he was alone in the world and had no one else to care for him. I was too young at the time to be considered, and I recall her being so upset because there really wasn't another decent option.

Now for my kids, my sister is #1 in line for guardianship and her husband is #2, because even if something happened to her then he would be our next best choice. We come from a really messed up family so there are very few safe options.

OP, do what you want, but know that it will probably harm your relationship if you say you'd rather leave her kid alone in the world.

If you don't have the family system, then you create your village. This is where close friends come in. If he doesn't want kids, he should not be the emergency guardian. It would be far worse for him to say yes, she doesn't look for enough truly willing people, and then I guarantee one of 2 things happen in the event of crisis a) He refuses to take the child. Happens all.the.time. Plenty of kids in foster care have people who claimed they were willing to take in the child in case of emergency (death isn't the only reason a child needs a placement). B) He takes in the child and gives the child a miserable life because he is full of resentment.

I cannot advocate enough for people to only agree to guardianship if you are truly willing to take that child in a provide a stable and loving home no matter your own circumstances. It is cruel to agree to it to simply keep the peace. You would be surprised how many people even first and second on the list never had any intention of actually stepping in if needed. Think long and hard about whether you can truly provide a home for the child. If not, say what you can do instead....visit, be a loving influence, or whatever. Do not promise something you cannot deliver even if 10th on the list. I have heard it all.....

Here is the list of excuses I have heard from people first, second, third and 4th on the legal list of potential guardians

1.) I just agreed because we are sisters, but my kids don't get along with hers.
2.) Work is too busy.
3.) I now have an elderly parent to care for (who lives in assisted living).
4.) My husband doesn't want it.
5.) He/she has too many behavioral or emotional issues.
6.) I don't have the energy. I was younger when I agreed.
7.) I have my own health issues now.
8.) Don't have room in our home.
9.) She causes too much drama and chaos.
10). We don't want to deal with a child who has been traumatized.

I could go on. Assume no matter where you are on the list that you are #1.

This has nothing to do with saying agreeing to guardianship that you don't intend to fulfill, which I agree that people shouldn't do. This is about taking the kid even if it's not your preference because otherwise your own nephew would be alone in the world. Sometimes there isn't a village full of willing people fit for the job. My sister asked our brother because he was the best of the not-great options she had. It's not like there was a line of great families willing to do this.

The whole point is this would be a tragic situation, not planning your perfect life. Sorry, but I would take any relative's kid, even if it would be difficult and negatively impact my own family's life. The kid would be an orphan after some traumatic event, and I don't understand people who would turn their own tiny relative away to go to foster care. Playing the card of "I just want to be honest so I'm saying no" is a crappy thing to do. Change your heart to honestly say yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to say no, you can say something along the lines of what my brother said when I asked him: "You know I adore the kids" (I do and he does), "but if you have other, more settled people in your life you could ask, I should probably come after them" (he's a bachelor with chronic health issues). "But if you need me you know I'll always be there for them and will do whatever they need, and would be extra involved as an uncle." (I might, I do, and he would.) No hard feelings. I appreciated his honesty and self-awareness. He's still on the list, but he's like 4th in line. Just be really open and sincere and kind if you do say no.

This is different. Your brother has reasons why it would be physically very difficult for him to fulfill the obligations, not just not wanting the burden. Plus, he said he would do it if needed. He sounds like a very good brother and uncle.

My sister asked one of our brothers if he would be the guardian for her son back when her son was a kid. Our brother declined, saying he didn't want kids. Now there are hard feelings 20+ years later. Our sister wasn't asking if he wanted kids; she was asking if he would care for her young son if he was alone in the world and had no one else to care for him. I was too young at the time to be considered, and I recall her being so upset because there really wasn't another decent option.

Now for my kids, my sister is #1 in line for guardianship and her husband is #2, because even if something happened to her then he would be our next best choice. We come from a really messed up family so there are very few safe options.

OP, do what you want, but know that it will probably harm your relationship if you say you'd rather leave her kid alone in the world.

If you don't have the family system, then you create your village. This is where close friends come in. If he doesn't want kids, he should not be the emergency guardian. It would be far worse for him to say yes, she doesn't look for enough truly willing people, and then I guarantee one of 2 things happen in the event of crisis a) He refuses to take the child. Happens all.the.time. Plenty of kids in foster care have people who claimed they were willing to take in the child in case of emergency (death isn't the only reason a child needs a placement). B) He takes in the child and gives the child a miserable life because he is full of resentment.

I cannot advocate enough for people to only agree to guardianship if you are truly willing to take that child in a provide a stable and loving home no matter your own circumstances. It is cruel to agree to it to simply keep the peace. You would be surprised how many people even first and second on the list never had any intention of actually stepping in if needed. Think long and hard about whether you can truly provide a home for the child. If not, say what you can do instead....visit, be a loving influence, or whatever. Do not promise something you cannot deliver even if 10th on the list. I have heard it all.....

Here is the list of excuses I have heard from people first, second, third and 4th on the legal list of potential guardians

1.) I just agreed because we are sisters, but my kids don't get along with hers.
2.) Work is too busy.
3.) I now have an elderly parent to care for (who lives in assisted living).
4.) My husband doesn't want it.
5.) He/she has too many behavioral or emotional issues.
6.) I don't have the energy. I was younger when I agreed.
7.) I have my own health issues now.
8.) Don't have room in our home.
9.) She causes too much drama and chaos.
10). We don't want to deal with a child who has been traumatized.

I could go on. Assume no matter where you are on the list that you are #1.

This has nothing to do with saying agreeing to guardianship that you don't intend to fulfill, which I agree that people shouldn't do. This is about taking the kid even if it's not your preference because otherwise your own nephew would be alone in the world. Sometimes there isn't a village full of willing people fit for the job. My sister asked our brother because he was the best of the not-great options she had. It's not like there was a line of great families willing to do this.

The whole point is this would be a tragic situation, not planning your perfect life. Sorry, but I would take any relative's kid, even if it would be difficult and negatively impact my own family's life. The kid would be an orphan after some traumatic event, and I don't understand people who would turn their own tiny relative away to go to foster care. Playing the card of "I just want to be honest so I'm saying no" is a crappy thing to do. Change your heart to honestly say yes.

People have a right to say no. Why would you want someone who doesn't want a child to say yes? You can force people to like kids or to want to raise your child. You are setting the child up for misery if you expect someone to completely change his/her wishes and personality. You cannot control other people. If you do not have a close family, you create your own family of friends. You need to accept people as they are. It's a total shitty thing to hold a grudge when someone says "no, I am not the right person to raise your child" in am emergency. No is an answer choice. What a miserable thing to do to hold a grudge against someone who refuses to bend to your will. You as the parent are responsible for finding appropriate guardians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want it, decline. You say you have enough on your plate already. I would not bank on 4 people or 10 people not dying. You just say no rather than saying yes and praying everyone stays healthy. It's not just that they can't die...they can't become disabled or develop cancer or do a million things. Once you are on the list, you are a total asshole for declining. Just don't get on the list and you may be guilt tripped, but in the end you are not wasting time praying everyone is able-bodied if the time comes.

This. Look at how many households have been completely upended in the past few months. I've never understood the whole, "Oh, we are just the secondary guardians..." line of reasoning as a reason to accept. If you're on the list, I think you have to assume you might end up being first. I'd argue that very few households are set up well enough (emotionally, logistically, and so on) to absorb a kid or several who have undergone seriously emotional or physical trauma (if, say, the parents die in an accident the kids may have been involved in). Don't be so sure that the couple in line ahead of you won't be yelling "not it!" if sh*t gets real.

I should add I know of a real life case where all people on list were unable even though living. My cousin adopted later in life and to be polite her friends agreed to be on the list because she was estranged from her sister and brother. Cousin became ill and unable to care for her daughter and he friends bailed for health reasons, eldercare issues, etc. These things happen. Let her find people who absolutely will take the child and who's lives can adapt accordingly.

This is very sad but not altogether surprising. I think very few people think through everything that would be involved in a scenario like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

This.

No, it just means things would have to go between wrong for four adults. That could be anything, like their own health issues, job loss, problems with their own bio kids, divorce, or your own kid develops behavioral issues or a physical disability that the prospective guardians feel is too overwhelming to deal with. They could also just plain old flake out. How many people have been disappointed by a close friend or relative during a time of need? Plenty.