How do you politely decline a request of guardianship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

This.

No, it just means things would have to go between wrong for four adults. That could be anything, like their own health issues, job loss, problems with their own bio kids, divorce, or your own kid develops behavioral issues or a physical disability that the prospective guardians feel is too overwhelming to deal with. They could also just plain old flake out. How many people have been disappointed by a close friend or relative during a time of need? Plenty.

Edited - sorry, I meant two would have to likely die, yes, but something only has to go wrong for the first set of guardians, which could be anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to say no, you can say something along the lines of what my brother said when I asked him: "You know I adore the kids" (I do and he does), "but if you have other, more settled people in your life you could ask, I should probably come after them" (he's a bachelor with chronic health issues). "But if you need me you know I'll always be there for them and will do whatever they need, and would be extra involved as an uncle." (I might, I do, and he would.) No hard feelings. I appreciated his honesty and self-awareness. He's still on the list, but he's like 4th in line. Just be really open and sincere and kind if you do say no.

This is different. Your brother has reasons why it would be physically very difficult for him to fulfill the obligations, not just not wanting the burden. Plus, he said he would do it if needed. He sounds like a very good brother and uncle.

My sister asked one of our brothers if he would be the guardian for her son back when her son was a kid. Our brother declined, saying he didn't want kids. Now there are hard feelings 20+ years later. Our sister wasn't asking if he wanted kids; she was asking if he would care for her young son if he was alone in the world and had no one else to care for him. I was too young at the time to be considered, and I recall her being so upset because there really wasn't another decent option.

Now for my kids, my sister is #1 in line for guardianship and her husband is #2, because even if something happened to her then he would be our next best choice. We come from a really messed up family so there are very few safe options.

OP, do what you want, but know that it will probably harm your relationship if you say you'd rather leave her kid alone in the world.

If you don't have the family system, then you create your village. This is where close friends come in. If he doesn't want kids, he should not be the emergency guardian. It would be far worse for him to say yes, she doesn't look for enough truly willing people, and then I guarantee one of 2 things happen in the event of crisis a) He refuses to take the child. Happens all.the.time. Plenty of kids in foster care have people who claimed they were willing to take in the child in case of emergency (death isn't the only reason a child needs a placement). B) He takes in the child and gives the child a miserable life because he is full of resentment.

I cannot advocate enough for people to only agree to guardianship if you are truly willing to take that child in a provide a stable and loving home no matter your own circumstances. It is cruel to agree to it to simply keep the peace. You would be surprised how many people even first and second on the list never had any intention of actually stepping in if needed. Think long and hard about whether you can truly provide a home for the child. If not, say what you can do instead....visit, be a loving influence, or whatever. Do not promise something you cannot deliver even if 10th on the list. I have heard it all.....

Here is the list of excuses I have heard from people first, second, third and 4th on the legal list of potential guardians

1.) I just agreed because we are sisters, but my kids don't get along with hers.
2.) Work is too busy.
3.) I now have an elderly parent to care for (who lives in assisted living).
4.) My husband doesn't want it.
5.) He/she has too many behavioral or emotional issues.
6.) I don't have the energy. I was younger when I agreed.
7.) I have my own health issues now.
8.) Don't have room in our home.
9.) She causes too much drama and chaos.
10). We don't want to deal with a child who has been traumatized.

I could go on. Assume no matter where you are on the list that you are #1.

+1. Well said. If everyone would just be honest, true planning could take place. Expecting people to “change their hearts”’ is laughable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My much-older cousin emailed me asking if my husband and I could be listed as guardians of her son should anything happen to her.
She is 70; her husband is 60, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
We would be secondary guardians; she asked family friends to be first in line.
Son is 16, and she says he'd only need a guardian until 18. So it's only two years that we could possibly be on the line.

I want to say yes but also feel - like it's a lot. The son has some behavioral issues. We also have two young kids and aging parents ourselves. But I do not want to let her down. WWYD? If we said no, how would we frame it? I like her very much.

So you are not even primary guardians and the kid is 16? If you say no do you not realize that you will harm your relationship? Personally I would say yes because you are the back up! But, if you say no there isn't any real way to put a nice spin on it. Just be prepared for cousin to be hurt.

This. In these situations, the parents are trying to find someone to care for their orphaned child who is alone in the world. There's no good way to say sorry but I won't step in. It will hurt your relationship. Plus, wouldn't you really step in if this kid - your relative - is truly alone in the world?

It doesn’t have to hurt your relationship. It is a huge ask if people are taking the responsibility seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My much-older cousin emailed me asking if my husband and I could be listed as guardians of her son should anything happen to her.
She is 70; her husband is 60, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
We would be secondary guardians; she asked family friends to be first in line.
Son is 16, and she says he'd only need a guardian until 18. So it's only two years that we could possibly be on the line.

I want to say yes but also feel - like it's a lot. The son has some behavioral issues. We also have two young kids and aging parents ourselves. But I do not want to let her down. WWYD? If we said no, how would we frame it? I like her very much.

So you are not even primary guardians and the kid is 16? If you say no do you not realize that you will harm your relationship? Personally I would say yes because you are the back up! But, if you say no there isn't any real way to put a nice spin on it. Just be prepared for cousin to be hurt.

This. In these situations, the parents are trying to find someone to care for their orphaned child who is alone in the world. There's no good way to say sorry but I won't step in. It will hurt your relationship. Plus, wouldn't you really step in if this kid - your relative - is truly alone in the world?

It doesn’t have to hurt your relationship. It is a huge ask if people are taking the responsibility seriously.

+! You would have to be a truly disturbed person to be angry when someone was honest that they are not willing and able to take on the massive responsibility of raising a child, let alone a child who experienced the loss of a parent or both parents. This is not...can you feed my cats when I go out of town. It is a very serious undertaking and it is shocking to me how flippant people are with saying "just say yes" regardless of where you are on the supposed list. Nobody owes you guardianship because you had a child. You need to form the type of relationships where people are willing to do such things for eachother whether it's a sibling, a cousin or a friend.

[Anonymous]

I was today old when I learned that "would you be my kid's guardian?" is the secular "would you be my kid's godparent?" I was looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was today old when I learned that "would you be my kid's guardian?" is the secular "would you be my kid's godparent?" I was looking for.

I wonder if people who accept the honor of being a godparent understand this traditional obligation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was today old when I learned that "would you be my kid's guardian?" is the secular "would you be my kid's godparent?" I was looking for.

I wonder if people who accept the honor of being a godparent understand this traditional obligation?

I don't think a lot do or sometimes they are young and single or newly married and they don't think about what it would be to have your own kids and take on other kids. People also sadly are too flippant with just deciding if worse case scenario happens they will make up an excuse. Their friends will be dead and won't know they were selfish jerks who never planned to take care of the kids. I ca not stress enough, only say yes if you are 100% willing to take those kids no matter what no matter where you are on the list.