How do you politely decline a request of guardianship?

[Anonymous]

My much-older cousin emailed me asking if my husband and I could be listed as guardians of her son should anything happen to her.
She is 70; her husband is 60, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
We would be secondary guardians; she asked family friends to be first in line.
Son is 16, and she says he'd only need a guardian until 18. So it's only two years that we could possibly be on the line.

I want to say yes but also feel - like it's a lot. The son has some behavioral issues. We also have two young kids and aging parents ourselves. But I do not want to let her down. WWYD? If we said no, how would we frame it? I like her very much.

[Anonymous]

Given that he is 16, I’d do it without a second thought, especially because he still has two parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that he is 16, I’d do it without a second thought, especially because he still has two parents.

Same poster - sorry I didn’t answer your question. Just say you don’t feel comfortable with it or confident you could provide the home he needs. It may ruin your relationship but that is the most tactful way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

If you would at all consider it— and keep in mind that the predicate for this is he’s lost both parents in a short period of time— then I would say yes. No one can force you to be a guardian, the parents will likely live 10-20 years more, and you are not the primary guardian but just a backup. It sounds like the chance you would need to decide are pretty low.

If you know absolutely you could/would not do it then I would just tell her you don’t feel capable of providing adequate time and attention to your kids and parents now and can’t in good conscience do more. But don’t count on it sounding like a good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My much-older cousin emailed me asking if my husband and I could be listed as guardians of her son should anything happen to her.
She is 70; her husband is 60, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
We would be secondary guardians; she asked family friends to be first in line.
Son is 16, and she says he'd only need a guardian until 18. So it's only two years that we could possibly be on the line.

I want to say yes but also feel - like it's a lot. The son has some behavioral issues. We also have two young kids and aging parents ourselves. But I do not want to let her down. WWYD? If we said no, how would we frame it? I like her very much.

Do you mean that both she and her husband, and then another 2 individuals (or 1?) would all need to die in the next 2 years for this boy to be in your care?

[Anonymous]

Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My much-older cousin emailed me asking if my husband and I could be listed as guardians of her son should anything happen to her.
She is 70; her husband is 60, so it's not out of the realm of possibility.
We would be secondary guardians; she asked family friends to be first in line.
Son is 16, and she says he'd only need a guardian until 18. So it's only two years that we could possibly be on the line.

I want to say yes but also feel - like it's a lot. The son has some behavioral issues. We also have two young kids and aging parents ourselves. But I do not want to let her down. WWYD? If we said no, how would we frame it? I like her very much.

So you are not even primary guardians and the kid is 16? If you say no do you not realize that you will harm your relationship? Personally I would say yes because you are the back up! But, if you say no there isn't any real way to put a nice spin on it. Just be prepared for cousin to be hurt.

[Anonymous]

Say yes as you are secondary and send him to boarding school.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s likely to ruin the relationship no matter how you say it unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

So, you’re secondary guardians?? Just say yes. Both your cousin AND 2 other adults have to die in the next 2 years for this to even be an issue.

[Anonymous]

The kid is 16. What exactly are you worried about here?

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. Odds are they’re asking you because they don’t feel like they have any other good options (since it’s a cousin and you’re backup to friends), so there’s no way to say no where they won’t feel on some level that you’re letting them down. That said, if you don’t feel you’re up to the task, it’s better to be honest about that than to set up a bad situation. You may be able to soften it if you’re honest about already feeling stretched thin with your kids and aging parents, but say that you’d want to be an active part of their son’s life if something happened to them to help him stay connected with the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s likely to ruin the relationship no matter how you say it unfortunately.

I strongly disagree with this. If she's a reasonable person, I don't think it will. I have been asked to be a guardian, and I've asked, and while both were yesses, I think a no would have gone over fine. Now, obviously, it's awkward, and I do think your approach matters. "Nah" or "Your kid's too hard" will not go over well.

I would go with something like this (ideally in person/over the phone):

Hey - I am so, so honored that you would ask me to be a guardian for your son. I've put a lot of thought into this, but I don't think I could do a good enough job. Should the worst happen, you need someone who can be a rock for your son, and be there for whatever he needs in such an awful time. But I have very little/no experience with teenagers, and I generally don't feel like I relate to them well, plus I'm honestly overwhelmed with just the children I have (NOTE: don't say this if you're thinking of having more kids!) Your son deserves someone who can truly rise to this occasion, and I don't think that's me. I know you want what's best for him, so I think you should ask someone else. Of course, if anything happened, I would pitch in however I can, and would be happy to help out, but I don't think I have it in my to be a stellar primary caregiver for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say yes, if you're secondary guardians that means 4 adults will have to die within 2 years before they get to you.

Its never going to happen. Say yes and keep everyone happy.

+1

Agree. It's honestly just a formality. In the incredibly unlikely event that those four people die, everyone will pitch in to make sure the kid can stay as close to his school and friends as possible.