I don't know if I should laugh or cry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

Where are you living that it is an extra $1000 a month? You need to find cheaper housing. If Dad doesn't have visits, you can live further and split travel. Our entire mortgage is less than you spend on your housing. Its free to have our kids in our home as we bought a 3 bedroom so our basic expenses are food, clothing (not very much) and activities.

If he only wants Sunday's that's fine. Move to a cheaper area, you each drive one way or meet half way on Sunday and be done with it. You don't need to live in the same building if he only sees the child once a week. You choose to live in that building. Tell him you want him to have three (settle for 1-2) evenings a week and Sunday. Tell him you want $800-1K in child support. Tell him what you want and meet in-between.

You must have skipped over the part where I said I have to be close enough to drop off and pick up within a time that aftercare is open. I would have to move to Frederick to save anything substantial and never get to see my child, help him with homework, etc. I am not debating where I live. That is not why I posted.

You can get cheaper and child changes school. You want to live where you live which is fine but has nothing to do with dad. It has to do with your preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of a court order you don’t actually have 100% physical custody. It is joint unless otherwise specified.

He isn't denying that I have or SHOULD have 100% physical custody even in his complaint. So, yes, I have 100% physical custody. No party is disputing this.

Since I have no desire to deny him visitation (never have) I think it's only fair I have the legal custody as well. If he wants to be more than a weekend buddy he can start by doing the work.

Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you would LET him do the work, even if he wanted to.

Life isn’t fair and it likely isn’t going to go your way in court because what he’s asking for is extremely reasonable. I’m sure your lawyers will hash out child support if that needs to increase/decrease. Just be prepared. Having your head in the sand about this isn’t going to help your cause.

Oh I forget there is always one of you on this forum.

I guess the judge will decide what is reasonable and what is not. I doubt the judge will let him have anything he doesn't already have. As I said multiple times before, I never denied him access or involvement. But if it makes you feel better about yourself to spew hate at me, go ahead.

You admit yourself on the last page that he should just go away and leave you be, yet you’ve been happy to take $400/month from him for 11 years. I’m certainly not trying to spew hate, and I’m sorry if it came off that way. It’s just that what you actually want from him isn’t really clear. On one hand, you want him to be more involved - or do you, because on the other side it sounds like you’d be happy cutting him out entirely. The story changes with every post.

Bottom line, he’ll most likely get what he is asking for. I hope you can accept that and find peace with it and be thankful that you can choose to parent the way you want the vast majority of the time.

No, the story doesn't change every post. I begged and pleaded for years for him to be involved. I did family vacations long after we stopped being a couple, I went to his parent's house because that was the only way they were going to get to know their grandson for years. Their son refused to spend any almost time with his child. After years of pulling and begging, I came to the conclusion that I can't make a person do something he doesn't want to do. I was finally at a point of being ok with him only being the weekend buddy and me doing all the hard work. I didn't take him to court for child support because I didn't want to spend $5000 on a lawyer to get $50 more per month. So yes, I am bitter about it no doubt.

So please don't tell me how fair life is. Nothing about this is fair to me and most importantly to our son.

Give him a list of monthly expenses with receipts and tell him to pay half. You can file in child support office for free and they take care of it all for free for you. You don’t need an attorney for child support, just custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

Where are you living that it is an extra $1000 a month? You need to find cheaper housing. If Dad doesn't have visits, you can live further and split travel. Our entire mortgage is less than you spend on your housing. Its free to have our kids in our home as we bought a 3 bedroom so our basic expenses are food, clothing (not very much) and activities.

If he only wants Sunday's that's fine. Move to a cheaper area, you each drive one way or meet half way on Sunday and be done with it. You don't need to live in the same building if he only sees the child once a week. You choose to live in that building. Tell him you want him to have three (settle for 1-2) evenings a week and Sunday. Tell him you want $800-1K in child support. Tell him what you want and meet in-between.

You must have skipped over the part where I said I have to be close enough to drop off and pick up within a time that aftercare is open. I would have to move to Frederick to save anything substantial and never get to see my child, help him with homework, etc. I am not debating where I live. That is not why I posted.

You can get cheaper and child changes school. You want to live where you live which is fine but has nothing to do with dad. It has to do with your preferences.

I didn’t ask you advice on where I live. Please go away.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry for the annoying PPs. I hear you and completely agree. 11 years is 1/2 of your child's childhood. I don't think your XDH has earned the right to be in your child's life to the point where he has 50% decision making power. Hopefully a judge will see it that way too.

Best of luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry for the annoying PPs. I hear you and completely agree. 11 years is 1/2 of your child's childhood. I don't think your XDH has earned the right to be in your child's life to the point where he has 50% decision making power. Hopefully a judge will see it that way too.

Best of luck OP.

Thank you. I really just wanted to commiserate and vent in my post. Thank you for reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - don’t know why you’re getting so much negativity here. I often find my DH’s suggestions frustrating and he’s actually a good parent. It drives me crazy when i do 100% of all the doctors appointments for our kid’s GI issue and then DH chimes in with some opinion that he’d know was idiotic if he’d ever been to a single appointment...

so in your shoes I’d fight tooth and nail against giving him ANY legal rights. He doesn’t get to be MIA 99.99% of the time and then weigh in on anything. He lost those rights 11 years ago.

Thank you!!!

[Anonymous]

Why did you have a kid without being married? Trashy.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. You sound like a loving mom. Your child’s father has no ideas how hard it is to be a parent.
I have to question his motives in taking you to court before even just talking to you about this. Something is going on that he’s not telling you about. Unfortunately I think you need a lawyer to help you understand the possible motives your child’s father has for acting this way now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound awesome. It always astonishes me the level of vitriol on here for good mothers. You have obviously made every attempt and literally gone out of your way (by moving into his building) to make it easy for your child's father to be involved, but he has taken precisely none of your offers up except weekly playtime. It's preposterous to think this man should have 50% decision making authority after 11 years of, at best, being the child's weekly playdate.

I do think the courts don't look very kindly on circumstances of voluntary impoverishment. Do you actually know what his income is? Do his parents fund his housing, or does the trust provide him with unearned income? I wonder if you've ever calculated what his child support would be with an online calculator.

I'm sorry he is so useless and is now seeking to have decision making authority. Any idea what recent change in circumstances might have motivated this? Is there something about the child's ADHD diagnosis that has made a change in the child's life that the dad disagrees with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have a kid without being married? Trashy.

Not at all. I know many well-educated and successful women who chose to have children without being married. Not trashy, just brave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. You sound like a loving mom. Your child’s father has no ideas how hard it is to be a parent.
I have to question his motives in taking you to court before even just talking to you about this. Something is going on that he’s not telling you about. Unfortunately I think you need a lawyer to help you understand the possible motives your child’s father has for acting this way now.

My guess is that he found a new serious girlfriend who is pressuring him to involve his son in his life. Or he just wants to impress this new lady and show her what a “good dad” he is. I’ve seen this happen before.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Your attorney might have an idea of why your ex has suddenly shown his conscience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound awesome. It always astonishes me the level of vitriol on here for good mothers. You have obviously made every attempt and literally gone out of your way (by moving into his building) to make it easy for your child's father to be involved, but he has taken precisely none of your offers up except weekly playtime. It's preposterous to think this man should have 50% decision making authority after 11 years of, at best, being the child's weekly playdate.

I do think the courts don't look very kindly on circumstances of voluntary impoverishment. Do you actually know what his income is? Do his parents fund his housing, or does the trust provide him with unearned income? I wonder if you've ever calculated what his child support would be with an online calculator.

I'm sorry he is so useless and is now seeking to have decision making authority. Any idea what recent change in circumstances might have motivated this? Is there something about the child's ADHD diagnosis that has made a change in the child's life that the dad disagrees with?

Thank you for your kind words. I don't know his income but I have requested his tax returns through my lawyer. I know he has about $400,000 in a brokerage account, several properties that his father left him (including his condo where he doesn't pay a mortgage). So far he has dismissed my lawyer's requests for the tax returns. I have communicated to him through his lawyer that I have no intention of denying him the Sunday visitation he asked for. The issue of legal custody remains as well as his unwillingness to show his income. My guess is that if he didn't have more than he is willing to share he would provide his records.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. You sound like a loving mom. Your child’s father has no ideas how hard it is to be a parent.
I have to question his motives in taking you to court before even just talking to you about this. Something is going on that he’s not telling you about. Unfortunately I think you need a lawyer to help you understand the possible motives your child’s father has for acting this way now.

My guess is that he found a new serious girlfriend who is pressuring him to involve his son in his life. Or he just wants to impress this new lady and show her what a “good dad” he is. I’ve seen this happen before.

This. Or else his parents are pushing him for more time as grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. You sound like a loving mom. Your child’s father has no ideas how hard it is to be a parent.
I have to question his motives in taking you to court before even just talking to you about this. Something is going on that he’s not telling you about. Unfortunately I think you need a lawyer to help you understand the possible motives your child’s father has for acting this way now.

My guess is that he found a new serious girlfriend who is pressuring him to involve his son in his life. Or he just wants to impress this new lady and show her what a “good dad” he is. I’ve seen this happen before.

This. Or else his parents are pushing him for more time as grandparents.

OP here. I don't think he has a girlfriend. I could be wrong though. I think it's his mom pushing for this and paying for his lawyer. She has been his enabler his entire life. He is 50 years old with only a few years of actual real work experience behind him. The rest of the time he has been unemployed or worked in the food industry.