I don't know if I should laugh or cry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of a court order you don’t actually have 100% physical custody. It is joint unless otherwise specified.

He isn't denying that I have or SHOULD have 100% physical custody even in his complaint. So, yes, I have 100% physical custody. No party is disputing this.

Since I have no desire to deny him visitation (never have) I think it's only fair I have the legal custody as well. If he wants to be more than a weekend buddy he can start by doing the work.

Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you would LET him do the work, even if he wanted to.

Life isn’t fair and it likely isn’t going to go your way in court because what he’s asking for is extremely reasonable. I’m sure your lawyers will hash out child support if that needs to increase/decrease. Just be prepared. Having your head in the sand about this isn’t going to help your cause.

Oh I forget there is always one of you on this forum.

I guess the judge will decide what is reasonable and what is not. I doubt the judge will let him have anything he doesn't already have. As I said multiple times before, I never denied him access or involvement. But if it makes you feel better about yourself to spew hate at me, go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You still have expenses when you don't have children, including paying for a place to live. $800 a month specifically on kid related expenses is a reasonable amount.

I don't quite understand your scenario. You say you live in the same building. How often has your ex seen his son? Do they know each other? Has he ever wanted more time with his son?

Where are you getting $800 per month? I most certainly contribute more that.

I pay an extra $1000 per month just to have an extra room that my son lives in. Presumably, this is split in half so my portion of that would be $500 and his dad's would be $500. After care program is $325 per month. I dont know where you live so that $800 is a reasonable amount from both parents, but in this area it's not.

I can't live further out even if I wanted to because his dad never wanted to drop off or pick up so I have to live close enough to put my 8 hours in but also be able to drop off in the morning and pick up in the afternoon.

We moved into this building so my son can be close to his father because I believed that he needs both of his parents regardless of how much he was contributing financially. Of course, they know each other. He sees him once a week because that is all my ex wants to do. I would very much welcome help with homework and dinner, but that is not something he is willing to do. He strickly wants Sundays where all they do is play and watch movies.

It doesn’t work that way (unless you agree to that specially). It is based on a formula. If your ex has little to no income, frankly you’re lucky to get $400 a month as it sounds like that DOES cover at least a part of his expenses.

I get that you’ve been doing the hard work for 11 years and it feels unfair. But, your kid has two parents whether you like it or not and you are taking his money for child support so I think it’s reasonable that he get a say and some formal visitation. The court order is good to protect both of you.

So why did he choose to not participate at all for the past 11 years? Why is his plan to continue the non-particiaption except for when it comes to saying yes or no to me when I have to make a decision? Why does he choose not to work despite being provided every opportunity in life?

How are we supposed to know the answers to these questions? We don’t know why you decided to have a child out of wedlock. We don’t know why he doesn’t participate. We don’t know why he doesn’t work.

Again, it sucks and is really unfair. But there’s almost no way he’s not going to get what he is asking for.

I should just be happy with whatever he chooses to throw my way, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of a court order you don’t actually have 100% physical custody. It is joint unless otherwise specified.

He isn't denying that I have or SHOULD have 100% physical custody even in his complaint. So, yes, I have 100% physical custody. No party is disputing this.

Since I have no desire to deny him visitation (never have) I think it's only fair I have the legal custody as well. If he wants to be more than a weekend buddy he can start by doing the work.

Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you would LET him do the work, even if he wanted to.

Life isn’t fair and it likely isn’t going to go your way in court because what he’s asking for is extremely reasonable. I’m sure your lawyers will hash out child support if that needs to increase/decrease. Just be prepared. Having your head in the sand about this isn’t going to help your cause.

Oh I forget there is always one of you on this forum.

I guess the judge will decide what is reasonable and what is not. I doubt the judge will let him have anything he doesn't already have. As I said multiple times before, I never denied him access or involvement. But if it makes you feel better about yourself to spew hate at me, go ahead.

You admit yourself on the last page that he should just go away and leave you be, yet you’ve been happy to take $400/month from him for 11 years. I’m certainly not trying to spew hate, and I’m sorry if it came off that way. It’s just that what you actually want from him isn’t really clear. On one hand, you want him to be more involved - or do you, because on the other side it sounds like you’d be happy cutting him out entirely. The story changes with every post.

Bottom line, he’ll most likely get what he is asking for. I hope you can accept that and find peace with it and be thankful that you can choose to parent the way you want the vast majority of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

NP. ADHD medication, regular appointments with the prescriber, and weekly therapy appointments make children with ADHD much more expensive to raise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

You make plenty of money and have a good job. You are also supposed to contribute, so its not just $400. It goes by income so if you make more, your share will be more per child support calculators. The cost difference in housing is a one bedroom to a two bedroom, not the entire apartment amount.

I also have 100% physical custody so....

And in case you didn't know, the cost of a 1 bedroom in NW DC is about $1700 and the cost of a two bedroom is $$2700, so I'm not calculating the cost of the entire apartment but the extra room that I have to have. His $400 doesn't begin to cover his HALF.

Why am I supposed to pay more just because I work? He chooses not to get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He has advanced degrees (MBA from a great school) but chooses not to work because his blood pressure is slightly up.

Obviously money was not the most important thing to me or I would have taken him to court years ago. But stop with the nonsense that I'm getting what is fair.

I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of a court order you don’t actually have 100% physical custody. It is joint unless otherwise specified.

He isn't denying that I have or SHOULD have 100% physical custody even in his complaint. So, yes, I have 100% physical custody. No party is disputing this.

Since I have no desire to deny him visitation (never have) I think it's only fair I have the legal custody as well. If he wants to be more than a weekend buddy he can start by doing the work.

Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you would LET him do the work, even if he wanted to.

Life isn’t fair and it likely isn’t going to go your way in court because what he’s asking for is extremely reasonable. I’m sure your lawyers will hash out child support if that needs to increase/decrease. Just be prepared. Having your head in the sand about this isn’t going to help your cause.

Oh I forget there is always one of you on this forum.

I guess the judge will decide what is reasonable and what is not. I doubt the judge will let him have anything he doesn't already have. As I said multiple times before, I never denied him access or involvement. But if it makes you feel better about yourself to spew hate at me, go ahead.

You admit yourself on the last page that he should just go away and leave you be, yet you’ve been happy to take $400/month from him for 11 years. I’m certainly not trying to spew hate, and I’m sorry if it came off that way. It’s just that what you actually want from him isn’t really clear. On one hand, you want him to be more involved - or do you, because on the other side it sounds like you’d be happy cutting him out entirely. The story changes with every post.

Bottom line, he’ll most likely get what he is asking for. I hope you can accept that and find peace with it and be thankful that you can choose to parent the way you want the vast majority of the time.

No, the story doesn't change every post. I begged and pleaded for years for him to be involved. I did family vacations long after we stopped being a couple, I went to his parent's house because that was the only way they were going to get to know their grandson for years. Their son refused to spend any almost time with his child. After years of pulling and begging, I came to the conclusion that I can't make a person do something he doesn't want to do. I was finally at a point of being ok with him only being the weekend buddy and me doing all the hard work. I didn't take him to court for child support because I didn't want to spend $5000 on a lawyer to get $50 more per month. So yes, I am bitter about it no doubt.

So please don't tell me how fair life is. Nothing about this is fair to me and most importantly to our son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

NP. ADHD medication, regular appointments with the prescriber, and weekly therapy appointments make children with ADHD much more expensive to raise.

OP here. Exactly, he has had weekly therapy, monthly check-ins with a psychiatrist, etc for years now. Not once did my ex say, hey let me take him this time so you dont have to take off work again. Not once did he even ask how it went.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you've done a great job under tough circumstances, OP. I hope the judge sees that. Let us know how it goes. Best wishes. However it turns out, you've done your very best for your son and he's lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you've done a great job under tough circumstances, OP. I hope the judge sees that. Let us know how it goes. Best wishes. However it turns out, you've done your very best for your son and he's lucky to have you.

Thank you for saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you've done a great job under tough circumstances, OP. I hope the judge sees that. Let us know how it goes. Best wishes. However it turns out, you've done your very best for your son and he's lucky to have you.

Thank you for saying that.

Chin up. I went through the child custody support process with a somewhat similar situation. I didn’t file for time either. I waited until I knew my ex had a good financial year and pulled the trigger. The judge remarked that presumptivel custody, which is what you have and have had for a long time. Based on that I was awarded sole custody. I went proceeded to trial because I was lowballed on a support offer during mediation. Figuring I had nothing to lose I went to trial. I was awarded 3 times what my ex was offering. Each case is different and judges are human. You ex sounds like the kind of person family law judges love to hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you've done a great job under tough circumstances, OP. I hope the judge sees that. Let us know how it goes. Best wishes. However it turns out, you've done your very best for your son and he's lucky to have you.

Thank you for saying that.

Chin up. I went through the child custody support process with a somewhat similar situation. I didn’t file for time either. I waited until I knew my ex had a good financial year and pulled the trigger. The judge remarked that presumptivel custody, which is what you have and have had for a long time. Based on that I was awarded sole custody. I went proceeded to trial because I was lowballed on a support offer during mediation. Figuring I had nothing to lose I went to trial. I was awarded 3 times what my ex was offering. Each case is different and judges are human. You ex sounds like the kind of person family law judges love to hate.

Meant to say presumptive custody is worth something.

[Anonymous]

OP - don’t know why you’re getting so much negativity here. I often find my DH’s suggestions frustrating and he’s actually a good parent. It drives me crazy when i do 100% of all the doctors appointments for our kid’s GI issue and then DH chimes in with some opinion that he’d know was idiotic if he’d ever been to a single appointment...

so in your shoes I’d fight tooth and nail against giving him ANY legal rights. He doesn’t get to be MIA 99.99% of the time and then weigh in on anything. He lost those rights 11 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What constitutes legal joint custody, why is that a big deal, and does it need to be 50/50?

And having a dad play with their kid only 1 day a week, while the mom does most of the heavy lifting, sounds about right in many families. Not saying it is the way it should be, just stating that this is how it is in many non-divorce situations.

It's a big deal because I would need to consult him before every decision I make for our child. He has never expressed any interest in participating before. He has not attended a single school meeting. And if I'm perfectly honest it really pisses me off that after 11 years he is trying to pull this stunt.

Which is totally justified. I have not been in this situation, but I would be furious.

I agree that you should consult a lawyer. And someone that isn't going to be too nice. If you don't mind having the visitation schedule in writing, fine. I'd fight tooth and nail on the joint legal custody (but that's based on my gut instinct and ZERO knowledge of how a family court will look at this). If he fights you, I'd go for full child support and find someone that can cross-examine the hE!! out of his total lack of involvement until now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're a really good mother who has tried to make it easy for your child to have a relationship with his son. Hats off to you for going so long with having just a verbal agreement and while $400 is pretty laughable I'm glad he's shown some sense of responsibility by paying child support without having to get legal.

What do you think the driving reasons are for this sudden attempt to get legal? Somehow trying to avoid child support? Do you suspect he plans to move? A sudden realization that he has no real relationship with his son and is trying to do what he thinks he can to make up for lost time? He disagrees with your parenting on some fundamental level and wants a say? With middle and high school on the way he wants a say in where your son goes to school? Is bored self quarantining and wants a playmate on Sundays? Where is this coming from?

If mom and dad both contribute $400 a month, depending on the child it is plenty. We only spend more because of activities and not all kids do as much as ours.

$400 is enough for what exactly? My child can eat $200 of that, so that leaves the other $200 for a place to live, clothes, medical, etc. In what universe is that enough?

I am the OP and I have a an ok job (make about $100,000). I don't consider us poor, but every penny I earn goes towards caring for our child. We live a very modest life.

NP. ADHD medication, regular appointments with the prescriber, and weekly therapy appointments make children with ADHD much more expensive to raise.

OP here. Exactly, he has had weekly therapy, monthly check-ins with a psychiatrist, etc for years now. Not once did my ex say, hey let me take him this time so you dont have to take off work again. Not once did he even ask how it went.[/quote

Did you ask or involve him?]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What constitutes legal joint custody, why is that a big deal, and does it need to be 50/50?

And having a dad play with their kid only 1 day a week, while the mom does most of the heavy lifting, sounds about right in many families. Not saying it is the way it should be, just stating that this is how it is in many non-divorce situations.

It's a big deal because I would need to consult him before every decision I make for our child. He has never expressed any interest in participating before. He has not attended a single school meeting. And if I'm perfectly honest it really pisses me off that after 11 years he is trying to pull this stunt.

Why do you think he is asking for it? If he has no interest in being involved and never has, what do you think is behind this request?

Yes, this. I would definitely talk to a lawyer.

I have a lawyer already, of course. I am just venting here. I really don't have the extra money to spend on a lawyer but it is what it is.

My ex is a trust fund baby, but shows no income on a tax return. His dad paid off his condo, put half a million in a brokerage account but I can't touch that of course.

Then, just agree to a weekly visit, joint custody in exchange for an increase in child support. No need to fight about it. You want money, he wants a say in his kids life and a regular visitation schedule. Both reasonable requests. Compromise.

I never denied him weekly or any visits. Where did I say that? I'm not fighting him on that. I just do not think that someone who 1) doesn't know what is going with his child 2) doesn't participate in anything that is going to help him make decisions, should have decision making authority. Money is secondary to this.

Because it is still his kid. Offer two nights a week, Sunday and joint for more child support and being allowed to move to cheaper housing within a 45 minute drive. Tell him he must take the time to agree to joint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What constitutes legal joint custody, why is that a big deal, and does it need to be 50/50?

And having a dad play with their kid only 1 day a week, while the mom does most of the heavy lifting, sounds about right in many families. Not saying it is the way it should be, just stating that this is how it is in many non-divorce situations.

It's a big deal because I would need to consult him before every decision I make for our child. He has never expressed any interest in participating before. He has not attended a single school meeting. And if I'm perfectly honest it really pisses me off that after 11 years he is trying to pull this stunt.

Why do you think he is asking for it? If he has no interest in being involved and never has, what do you think is behind this request?

So he can say so on the dating scene. He prob got some BS feedback from a friend or date.