What to say (if anything) to friend who keeps passing along her baby stuff I dont want

[Anonymous]

Use your words Op

[Anonymous]

I need 6-24 mo boy onesie, body suits if anyone wants get rid off. Will be shipping to overseas when corona is over. Please reach out to elnurin gmail / thanks a lot

[Anonymous]

Also a pregnant FTM. I am also particular about what I buy for this baby given how challenging it was to conceive and the fact that I’m 35. Though to be fair, I’m particular in general 😉.

I probably wouldn’t care too much about the onesies (bc the baby will need lounge around the house clothes to throw up in.) Whatwould piss me if off is the crib mattress and being gifted more durable items. It’s kind, but I want the mattress I want. Same with the changing pad, playard, loungers, baby monitor etc. I see it as every woman gets to be a first time mom once - don’t take my joy under the guise of saving me money or worse, letting me know how little I know. You too, were once a first time mom. I want the advice for sure, but some people overstep.

So I get where you’re coming from OP. Im actually fairly thrifty but am nervous about having one friend see my registry. I know she’ll judge me for not buying a Mesa, not a Chico, or a Dock a Tot instead of a Boppy Pillow. I suspect that’s what you’re worried about too - the judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really think your kid will never wear a onesie just because you don’t love the pattern? Newsflash: you’re going to need a zillion Carter’s onesies with a baby and many will end up with barf and poop stains on them. You will need extras for child care, your diaper bag, the car, etc. None of what she’s giving you sound like things you wouldn’t use and you sound, frankly, whiny and ungrateful. If you don’t want your friends giving you hand me downs, just tell them. Don’t complain to DCUM. You’re not a victim with your friend offloading garbage on you like you’re trying to convey. You’re not communicating yourself to your friend and that’s on you. And also, when you find your newborn going through a zillion onesies in a day in a few months and changing sheets frequently due to puke and blowouts you’ll realize what a diva you sounded like complaining about these hand me downs and maybe you will realize you should have held onto them. Sheesh.

I completely disagree with this. My babies were born at 8 pounds but quickly jumped to the 99th percentile for height. I got so many 3 month and 6 month and 9 month onesies as gifts or hand me downs - we probably used only 10% of them because each size only fit for a few weeks. We went through sizes so fast it was overwhelming to deal with all the extra clothes. I wish I hadn’t listened to the people like PP who claimed that “of course” I would need SO MANY clothes. Wrong!

It is not helpful to have tons of clothes to store. Same for a bunch of baby toys and gear. I ended up donating most of it completely unused by me.

It’s so much better to get a only a few things ahead of time and then just buy what you need as you go.

Most kids don’t jump sizes that fast. That was your experience but it’s not necessarily typical or normal growth for other people’s kids.

Of course it was my experience! I was just giving ONE example of how stocking up on tons of stuff is not helpful. Other moms have other reasons why it’s unhelpful.

I was responding to the cocky moms saying OP was precious or naive for thinking she wouldn’t use the stuff. There are many reasons why it’s much better to get things as you go - my experience is one example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really think your kid will never wear a onesie just because you don’t love the pattern? Newsflash: you’re going to need a zillion Carter’s onesies with a baby and many will end up with barf and poop stains on them. You will need extras for child care, your diaper bag, the car, etc. None of what she’s giving you sound like things you wouldn’t use and you sound, frankly, whiny and ungrateful. If you don’t want your friends giving you hand me downs, just tell them. Don’t complain to DCUM. You’re not a victim with your friend offloading garbage on you like you’re trying to convey. You’re not communicating yourself to your friend and that’s on you. And also, when you find your newborn going through a zillion onesies in a day in a few months and changing sheets frequently due to puke and blowouts you’ll realize what a diva you sounded like complaining about these hand me downs and maybe you will realize you should have held onto them. Sheesh.

I completely disagree with this. My babies were born at 8 pounds but quickly jumped to the 99th percentile for height. I got so many 3 month and 6 month and 9 month onesies as gifts or hand me downs - we probably used only 10% of them because each size only fit for a few weeks. We went through sizes so fast it was overwhelming to deal with all the extra clothes. I wish I hadn’t listened to the people like PP who claimed that “of course” I would need SO MANY clothes. Wrong!

It is not helpful to have tons of clothes to store. Same for a bunch of baby toys and gear. I ended up donating most of it completely unused by me.

It’s so much better to get a only a few things ahead of time and then just buy what you need as you go.

Most kids don’t jump sizes that fast. That was your experience but it’s not necessarily typical or normal growth for other people’s kids.

Of course it was my experience! I was just giving ONE example of how stocking up on tons of stuff is not helpful. Other moms have other reasons why it’s unhelpful.

I was responding to the cocky moms saying OP was precious or naive for thinking she wouldn’t use the stuff. There are many reasons why it’s much better to get things as you go - my experience is one example.

PP who is also not a FTM. You do realize that not everyone wants to or can afford to blow hundreds of dollars to purchase all needed items “as they go” or feels it is necessary or a judicious use of their money or resources to purchase everything a child is going to use for a short period of time brand new, right? Your post alone illustrates that some kids may only be in a size for a short window. It seems like a waste of money to then purchase a bunch of new clothes then which will be used for a very short period of time, no?

Also, I think what some of us find annoying about OP is her excessive explanation about her friend’s preference for finding things used or for free. It’s pretty clear form her post that she finds this practice distasteful and you know what? That’s fine. But she’s not owning that fact and instead blaming a friend for giving her some normal, useful items that pretty much all FTMS need - mattress pads, blankets, and onesies. If she wants all her things brand new, then fine. But she’s not being an adult about it. A simple text to her friend would solve all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also a pregnant FTM. I am also particular about what I buy for this baby given how challenging it was to conceive and the fact that I’m 35. Though to be fair, I’m particular in general 😉.

I probably wouldn’t care too much about the onesies (bc the baby will need lounge around the house clothes to throw up in.) Whatwould piss me if off is the crib mattress and being gifted more durable items. It’s kind, but I want the mattress I want. Same with the changing pad, playard, loungers, baby monitor etc. I see it as every woman gets to be a first time mom once - don’t take my joy under the guise of saving me money or worse, letting me know how little I know. You too, were once a first time mom. I want the advice for sure, but some people overstep.

So I get where you’re coming from OP. Im actually fairly thrifty but am nervous about having one friend see my registry. I know she’ll judge me for not buying a Mesa, not a Chico, or a Dock a Tot instead of a Boppy Pillow. I suspect that’s what you’re worried about too - the judgement.

Where is the joy in picking out a changing pad? Shopping for all those items was boring and tedious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:most that seems pretty useful. When you are home alone with a baby who is spitting up and pooping all day it really doesn't matter what the pattern on the onesie or the words on the bib say. You can still use your expensive items in public and no one has to ever know that you used a hand me down at home.

That said if don't want her to give you stuff, just tell her. Thanks for offering your things but we have all we need or I am running out of space.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really think your kid will never wear a onesie just because you don’t love the pattern? Newsflash: you’re going to need a zillion Carter’s onesies with a baby and many will end up with barf and poop stains on them. You will need extras for child care, your diaper bag, the car, etc. None of what she’s giving you sound like things you wouldn’t use and you sound, frankly, whiny and ungrateful. If you don’t want your friends giving you hand me downs, just tell them. Don’t complain to DCUM. You’re not a victim with your friend offloading garbage on you like you’re trying to convey. You’re not communicating yourself to your friend and that’s on you. And also, when you find your newborn going through a zillion onesies in a day in a few months and changing sheets frequently due to puke and blowouts you’ll realize what a diva you sounded like complaining about these hand me downs and maybe you will realize you should have held onto them. Sheesh.

I completely disagree with this. My babies were born at 8 pounds but quickly jumped to the 99th percentile for height. I got so many 3 month and 6 month and 9 month onesies as gifts or hand me downs - we probably used only 10% of them because each size only fit for a few weeks. We went through sizes so fast it was overwhelming to deal with all the extra clothes. I wish I hadn’t listened to the people like PP who claimed that “of course” I would need SO MANY clothes. Wrong!

It is not helpful to have tons of clothes to store. Same for a bunch of baby toys and gear. I ended up donating most of it completely unused by me.

It’s so much better to get a only a few things ahead of time and then just buy what you need as you go.

Most kids don’t jump sizes that fast. That was your experience but it’s not necessarily typical or normal growth for other people’s kids.

Of course it was my experience! I was just giving ONE example of how stocking up on tons of stuff is not helpful. Other moms have other reasons why it’s unhelpful.

I was responding to the cocky moms saying OP was precious or naive for thinking she wouldn’t use the stuff. There are many reasons why it’s much better to get things as you go - my experience is one example.

PP who is also not a FTM. You do realize that not everyone wants to or can afford to blow hundreds of dollars to purchase all needed items “as they go” or feels it is necessary or a judicious use of their money or resources to purchase everything a child is going to use for a short period of time brand new, right? Your post alone illustrates that some kids may only be in a size for a short window. It seems like a waste of money to then purchase a bunch of new clothes then which will be used for a very short period of time, no?

Also, I think what some of us find annoying about OP is her excessive explanation about her friend’s preference for finding things used or for free. It’s pretty clear form her post that she finds this practice distasteful and you know what? That’s fine. But she’s not owning that fact and instead blaming a friend for giving her some normal, useful items that pretty much all FTMS need - mattress pads, blankets, and onesies. If she wants all her things brand new, then fine. But she’s not being an adult about it. A simple text to her friend would solve all of this.

Who said I purchased everything brand new?

I said it was easier and more practical to get things that you actually NEED as you go. It’s a lot easier to get a used bouncer on FB marketplace when your baby is ready for it, than mindlessly filling your house with baby clothes and gear you might never use months before the baby is even born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pregnant, FTM to be. I have a friend whose youngest is in pre-school. She is a very thrifty person by nature and loves to pass things down and get things passed down. For example, she loves her local Buy Nothing group. She is very financially secure but just LOVES a deal; for her its kind of a game to be like Look look at this awesome thing I got for nothing! I am kind of a minimalist and particular. I want what I want but I find clutter and things I dont want annoying.

Before corona and twice since, she keeps giving me random things she finds in her house that I dont want. Examples: 5-pack of Carters onesies in a color pattern I dont like, random bibs with written messages I wold never pick, a few pregnancy books, a used but washed crib mattress pad, some baby blankets.

In normal circumstances I wouldnt say anything and just drop off anything I didnt want to the Salvation Army or Green Drop but they are closed. I am getting the sense that I am her destination point as she is stuck at home cleaning out random closets and finding things to pass along. Some items might actually be items she GOT from the Buy Nothing group to give to me. How do I kindly discourage her w/o seeming like an ungrateful jerk?

If you want to remain friendly say nothing for now. When it gets better you can say that you font need anything

However, if you dong care than tell her you dont want anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also a pregnant FTM. I am also particular about what I buy for this baby given how challenging it was to conceive and the fact that I’m 35. Though to be fair, I’m particular in general 😉.

I probably wouldn’t care too much about the onesies (bc the baby will need lounge around the house clothes to throw up in.) Whatwould piss me if off is the crib mattress and being gifted more durable items. It’s kind, but I want the mattress I want. Same with the changing pad, playard, loungers, baby monitor etc. I see it as every woman gets to be a first time mom once - don’t take my joy under the guise of saving me money or worse, letting me know how little I know. You too, were once a first time mom. I want the advice for sure, but some people overstep.

So I get where you’re coming from OP. Im actually fairly thrifty but am nervous about having one friend see my registry. I know she’ll judge me for not buying a Mesa, not a Chico, or a Dock a Tot instead of a Boppy Pillow. I suspect that’s what you’re worried about too - the judgement.

Where is the joy in picking out a changing pad? Shopping for all those items was boring and tedious.

I didn’t find it boring and tedious at all. I enjoyed researching options and ultimately decided to go with the Hatch which allows you to also weigh your baby. Judge away.

Some women enjoy this stuff. And can afford to buy exactly what they want. And we’re not all ditzes who aren’t smart enough to recognize clever marketing and still make an informed decision.

[Anonymous]

Omg the worst is an old co-worker of mine who keeps asking if I want baby gear that she’s found while clearing her house. “It’s in great condition!” Her youngest kid is IN HIGH SCHOOL. I don’t want your 15 year old bouncer for Christ’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also a pregnant FTM. I am also particular about what I buy for this baby given how challenging it was to conceive and the fact that I’m 35. Though to be fair, I’m particular in general 😉.

I probably wouldn’t care too much about the onesies (bc the baby will need lounge around the house clothes to throw up in.) Whatwould piss me if off is the crib mattress and being gifted more durable items. It’s kind, but I want the mattress I want. Same with the changing pad, playard, loungers, baby monitor etc. I see it as every woman gets to be a first time mom once - don’t take my joy under the guise of saving me money or worse, letting me know how little I know. You too, were once a first time mom. I want the advice for sure, but some people overstep.

So I get where you’re coming from OP. Im actually fairly thrifty but am nervous about having one friend see my registry. I know she’ll judge me for not buying a Mesa, not a Chico, or a Dock a Tot instead of a Boppy Pillow. I suspect that’s what you’re worried about too - the judgement.

Where is the joy in picking out a changing pad? Shopping for all those items was boring and tedious.

I didn’t find it boring and tedious at all. I enjoyed researching options and ultimately decided to go with the Hatch which allows you to also weigh your baby. Judge away.

Some women enjoy this stuff. And can afford to buy exactly what they want. And we’re not all ditzes who aren’t smart enough to recognize clever marketing and still make an informed decision.

With my first baby I really enjoyed setting up the nursery just so. I loved picking out the colors and choosing the softest most comfortable clothes. It was such a special time, I think it’s really mean for other women to try belittle or mock that experience.

With my second child, I bought almost nothing and actually donated lots of stuff I never used with my first. I still enjoyed buying a few special outfits for him though. There’s no shame in that.

We all have certain things we enjoy buying new or spending money on that others might find frivolous. The moms who are obsessed with ‘Buy nothing’ and second-hand gear need to get over themselves.

[Anonymous]

There’s a big gray space between “buy everything new for your baby” and “refuse to buy anything for your baby and try to get everything used or for free or as a hand me down.” Not sure why accepting a five pack of onesies and a few other things is somehow at odds with OP picking out her own stuff. Lots of you ladies don’t seek to understand that it’s not. And No one is saying she shouldn’t do that. But she’s clearly got an “ick” factor with her friend’s preference to get things used or for free from others.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to thank her for what she’s given you so far and say that you’re all set with baby stuff. Send that text now. Today.

If she drops off anything else at your house after that text you need to bring it back to her house and say that you already have those items.

Be specific:

“Larla, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I already have a copy of What to Expect and we already have a baby bathtub. I’m returning these to you so you can pass them along to another friend. Again, thank you so much for helping me get ready for the baby! We’re at the point where we have everything we need and we’re so grateful to everyone who helped!”

After you return a few packages, she’ll get the message and stop. I just wanted to give an example of wording that is both kind but also sets a clear boundary that you do not want any more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also a pregnant FTM. I am also particular about what I buy for this baby given how challenging it was to conceive and the fact that I’m 35. Though to be fair, I’m particular in general 😉.

I probably wouldn’t care too much about the onesies (bc the baby will need lounge around the house clothes to throw up in.) Whatwould piss me if off is the crib mattress and being gifted more durable items. It’s kind, but I want the mattress I want. Same with the changing pad, playard, loungers, baby monitor etc. I see it as every woman gets to be a first time mom once - don’t take my joy under the guise of saving me money or worse, letting me know how little I know. You too, were once a first time mom. I want the advice for sure, but some people overstep.

So I get where you’re coming from OP. Im actually fairly thrifty but am nervous about having one friend see my registry. I know she’ll judge me for not buying a Mesa, not a Chico, or a Dock a Tot instead of a Boppy Pillow. I suspect that’s what you’re worried about too - the judgement.

She gave her a mattress pad, not a mattress. She’s giving her the type of items you need a lot of and are not highly visible. How do you see that as judgment?

Also, we all love our babies whether they were easy or hard to conceive. I hate that nonsense. Be particular and buy what you want but friends are not judging your mattress pad. And they love their babies just as much.