What to say (if anything) to friend who keeps passing along her baby stuff I dont want

[Anonymous]

I am a minimalist too but I am trying to be careful with money so I was grateful for hand me downs, even though some of them were stained (carrots and the like). After a massive cull, I donated 40% to the Salvation Army and put the rest in the baby’s drawers/closet. Of that, I ended up using only 10% since I am SAHM and run a laundry every other day. On the rare occasions when there is a massive poop blow out, I just throw the clothes away.

Just tell your friend the stuff she wants to give you is a source of extra work and you’d rather not deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you'l come across as ungrateful and snobby. Sorry.

I am one who loved to get hand me downs. I passed my hand me downs to others who liked getting them - I know because she put her kids in my kids old clothes.

Just take them to Salvation Army or goodwill.

NP here. You literally cannot take these things to a donation center right now. As OP mentioned in her post.

OP here, that is my point. In normal circumstances I would say nothing and donate anything I didnt want but the places I know are closed. And the two parking lot clothing depositories near us are gone.

Amid Corona, I want to stop the random texts of "I left some stuff outside your front door." I think I will say something next time. I get it kids are messy etc etc. But we have a lot of stuff already. I am in the 3rd trimester I have already read the pregnancy books.

Op, you say "no thank you." And then say it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you'l come across as ungrateful and snobby. Sorry.

I am one who loved to get hand me downs. I passed my hand me downs to others who liked getting them - I know because she put her kids in my kids old clothes.

Just take them to Salvation Army or goodwill.

NP here. You literally cannot take these things to a donation center right now. As OP mentioned in her post.

OP here, that is my point. In normal circumstances I would say nothing and donate anything I didnt want but the places I know are closed. And the two parking lot clothing depositories near us are gone.

Amid Corona, I want to stop the random texts of "I left some stuff outside your front door." I think I will say something next time. I get it kids are messy etc etc. But we have a lot of stuff already. I am in the 3rd trimester I have already read the pregnancy books.

Oof, unsolicited drop-off donations would be annoying even in non-covid times; now, it’s just nuts.

Tell this woman (if she actually does this again) that you’re all set for clothes and everything for now, and that you’ve run out of space for extra stuff, and like “thanks so much for thinking of me, I hope you understand!”

This. This lady is using you as a recycling bin. Just tell her thank you but you can no longer accept donations due to limited space and you have all the baby stuff you require.

+1000. Don’t be afraid to use your TRASH CAN. Old baby clothes don’t have much use and now with Covid... just trash them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really think your kid will never wear a onesie just because you don’t love the pattern? Newsflash: you’re going to need a zillion Carter’s onesies with a baby and many will end up with barf and poop stains on them. You will need extras for child care, your diaper bag, the car, etc. None of what she’s giving you sound like things you wouldn’t use and you sound, frankly, whiny and ungrateful. If you don’t want your friends giving you hand me downs, just tell them. Don’t complain to DCUM. You’re not a victim with your friend offloading garbage on you like you’re trying to convey. You’re not communicating yourself to your friend and that’s on you. And also, when you find your newborn going through a zillion onesies in a day in a few months and changing sheets frequently due to puke and blowouts you’ll realize what a diva you sounded like complaining about these hand me downs and maybe you will realize you should have held onto them. Sheesh.

OMG I had sick twins and never needed other people’s discards.

[Anonymous]

What you need when you have a baby is the expensive stuff: car seats, day care, diapers, $$ for inoculations, etc etc not more old clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Changing pad poster. I think there’s generally a lot of judging in baby gear purchases and I don’t think it’s far fetched that a woman who is just dropping off items (and loves to brag about a steal) might also fall in this camp. I mean hell, look at this thread. I got judged bc I cared about researching a changing pad.

You’re correct that I misread and it was a mattress pad. (Also, do I need one of those?)

I’m not saying at all that people who easily conceived their kids love them any less. Your conclusion here, I do think, is a stretch.

You sound insecure because your friends had kids before you. Nobody is judging you by giving you a mattress pad. And yes, you need one unless you want that precious mattress you picked out to get soaked with spit up and pee. Rather than acting like a know it all, you might listen to your friends who have btdt once in a while. Motherhood will be quite the humbling experience for you.

PP. Not sure where you’re reading insecurity. My friends were all in law/Med/biz school, so at 35 we’re actually the second of our friends to have kids. The other friend is an outlier in our group, so nope, no insecurity here.

And to me, a mattress pad is something you put on top of a mattress to make it more comfortable. That seemed contrary to all advice to keep stuff out of the crib. I think you’re talking about a mattress cover, of which I’ve already done some research. If you read my previous posts you’ll see I recommended that OP take the clothes and welcome advice of other moms. I said that has to be balanced with everyone’s desire to do things their own way with their own children. I’ve enlisted family for insight, watched more YouTub “newborn essentials/regrets” videos that I care to admit, and posted a few threads on DCUM seeking help. So while motherhood is humbling for us all, your concluding statement is frankly, hateful.

Yes, you need a mattress pad. Get one or a pack of two. Your baby may not spit up/throw up/blow out a lot so wait and see and you may need to buy more. We haven't needed them much but it's been nice to have one and a backup for when that one is in the wash.

This is from a different poster, but thank you for the advice.

You are so insufferable! You’ve done extensive research and yet didn’t know it was referred to as a crib mattress pad? Ok, sure. Also, the insecurity comes from insisting people are judging you for giving a pack of onesies or a mattress pad. It’s ridiculous.

https://www.amazon.com/Sealy-Quilted-Toddler-Mattress-Organic/dp/B073G6ZHC6/ref=mp_s_a_1_7?dchild=1&keywords=crib+mattress+pad+organic&qid=1588009115&sr=8-7

https://www.amazon.com/Organic-Cotton-Waterproof-Fitted-Crib/dp/B01865W6R0/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=crib+mattress+pad+organic&qid=1588008919&sr=8-5

https://www.amazon.com/Organic-Mattress-Protector-Baby-Brooke/dp/B00VU8BF14/ref=mp_s_a_1_2_sspa?dchild=1&keywords=crib+mattress+pad+organic&qid=1588009115&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzQlpYVUVITEkwWllKJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNDk5MDUxMlVUQ0ZLUzc0NE1JJmVuY3J5cHRlZEFkSWQ9QTAyNTEyODYzSk5OOUlISFo5TDdWJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfcGhvbmVfc2VhcmNoX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Changing pad poster. I think there’s generally a lot of judging in baby gear purchases and I don’t think it’s far fetched that a woman who is just dropping off items (and loves to brag about a steal) might also fall in this camp. I mean hell, look at this thread. I got judged bc I cared about researching a changing pad.

You’re correct that I misread and it was a mattress pad. (Also, do I need one of those?)

I’m not saying at all that people who easily conceived their kids love them any less. Your conclusion here, I do think, is a stretch.

You sound insecure because your friends had kids before you. Nobody is judging you by giving you a mattress pad. And yes, you need one unless you want that precious mattress you picked out to get soaked with spit up and pee. Rather than acting like a know it all, you might listen to your friends who have btdt once in a while. Motherhood will be quite the humbling experience for you.

PP. Not sure where you’re reading insecurity. My friends were all in law/Med/biz school, so at 35 we’re actually the second of our friends to have kids. The other friend is an outlier in our group, so nope, no insecurity here.

And to me, a mattress pad is something you put on top of a mattress to make it more comfortable. That seemed contrary to all advice to keep stuff out of the crib. I think you’re talking about a mattress cover, of which I’ve already done some research. If you read my previous posts you’ll see I recommended that OP take the clothes and welcome advice of other moms. I said that has to be balanced with everyone’s desire to do things their own way with their own children. I’ve enlisted family for insight, watched more YouTub “newborn essentials/regrets” videos that I care to admit, and posted a few threads on DCUM seeking help. So while motherhood is humbling for us all, your concluding statement is frankly, hateful.

Yes, you need a mattress pad. Get one or a pack of two. Your baby may not spit up/throw up/blow out a lot so wait and see and you may need to buy more. We haven't needed them much but it's been nice to have one and a backup for when that one is in the wash.

This is from a different poster, but thank you for the advice.

Definitely get 2 waterproof mattress covers. My kid rarely spit up, never had a blow out, etc, but there was sooo much drool at various phases of life and she did get a vomiting illness twice during the crib years, and it's much better to be able to just pull the sheet and mattress cover up, wash off the big stuff in a sink and put straight into the laundry. I don't know how you'd clean a crib mattress, but it's not going to be that quick to be dry again unless it's made of plastic like the ones from the 1980's.

[Anonymous]

OP the other thing to watch out for is “treasures” from parents of grown up kids. We got a bassinet from MIL neighbor. It was a treasured heirloom that I had to clean and protect & then return...
While my sick twins were at the doctors office every day. No thank you! No treasures please !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the other thing to watch out for is “treasures” from parents of grown up kids. We got a bassinet from MIL neighbor. It was a treasured heirloom that I had to clean and protect & then return...
While my sick twins were at the doctors office every day. No thank you! No treasures please !

Wow. This is funny but true!

[Anonymous]

Just say, "no thanks, we are all set with baby items." If she insists, repeat and say "we don't have any room for these things. Perhaps you can find another family who could really use these items."

You don't owe her an explanation as to why you don't want her items but I find that pushy people don't get the hint if you simply say no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really think your kid will never wear a onesie just because you don’t love the pattern? Newsflash: you’re going to need a zillion Carter’s onesies with a baby and many will end up with barf and poop stains on them. You will need extras for child care, your diaper bag, the car, etc. None of what she’s giving you sound like things you wouldn’t use and you sound, frankly, whiny and ungrateful. If you don’t want your friends giving you hand me downs, just tell them. Don’t complain to DCUM. You’re not a victim with your friend offloading garbage on you like you’re trying to convey. You’re not communicating yourself to your friend and that’s on you. And also, when you find your newborn going through a zillion onesies in a day in a few months and changing sheets frequently due to puke and blowouts you’ll realize what a diva you sounded like complaining about these hand me downs and maybe you will realize you should have held onto them. Sheesh.

OMG I had sick twins and never needed other people’s discards.

Then you are privileged and you sound insufferable. Dressing your kids in new clothes doesn’t make you a better mom than women with less money or privilege than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the other thing to watch out for is “treasures” from parents of grown up kids. We got a bassinet from MIL neighbor. It was a treasured heirloom that I had to clean and protect & then return...
While my sick twins were at the doctors office every day. No thank you! No treasures please !

Wow. This is funny but true!

Oh wow that does sound like a pain. How long did you keep before returning?

[Anonymous]

So, just a few thoughts.

There are plenty of times when you will need extra clothes, onesies, bibs, etc that you may never need. For example, when we had our kids in daycare, we always had to have at least one, sometimes 2/3 extra sets of clothes and an extra pair of shoes at daycare for the times that the child's clothes could not be saved (diaper explosions, spit up/food all over clothes, etc). The problem is that at some points, the clothes would be used a lot, other times, the clothes would not be used for weeks and by the time they were needed, the child had outgrown that size or was close to outgrown. We hated to get nicer/expensive clothes only to put them at daycare and have them not be used or only used once. So we often bought clothes at consignment sales just to put at daycare. Fine for changing for the last hour or two of the day on an emergency and we didn't care if the child never wore that outfit. But we were required to have clothes and shoes there, so we put the second-hand stuff we didn't care about there. When they outgrew the size, we handed things down, consigned them, or donated them. But, would you really want to buy an expensive, nice outfit, put it at daycare and never have the child wear it or only wear it once before they outgrew it?

There are also times, as others have alluded to, when you are just so exhausted from a child that wakes up every 2-3 hours and won't let you sleep. You don't get laundry done and your child has yet another accident or food all over their clothes and you have nothing clean left for them to wear. No one thinks that will happen to them, but the vast majority of parents, especially new parents, will have that happen at least once. Laundry, dishes, and housecleaning all becomes luxuries to do when you are fighting to find a time to shower, go to the bathroom and eat. Sometimes raising an infant will feel like you are a prisoner of war undergoing sleep deprivation torture. So, having some things in storage that are "just in case" for those emergencies is worthwhile. If you never use them, great, when your child finally outgrows that size, you can donate the unused, unopened item and be so grateful that you never needed it.

If your child spends a significant amount of time at a relative's or friend's house, especially if you might leave the child there for a short time to run an errand, go to the doctor, etc, then having an extra set of clothes there, just like daycare, that you may never use, it not a bad thing. You don't want to spend a lot of money on emergency clothing that may or may not ever get used before outgrown.

So, as long as you have some storage, I would accept them graciously, hope I never needed them, and wait until the child outgrew such things to donate them. But, it was nice to know that in an emergency, they were there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say, "no thanks, we are all set with baby items." If she insists, repeat and say "we don't have any room for these things. Perhaps you can find another family who could really use these items."

You don't owe her an explanation as to why you don't want her items but I find that pushy people don't get the hint if you simply say no thanks.

+1. NP. This is not so much of a 'what do I really need for my new baby' topic (as it's turned out to be) but a friendship/relationship communication issue. OP has already decided that she does not need or want anything that this friend has to offer. Regardless of whether you agree with this (perfectly reasonable) stance and regardless as to whether OP might somehow benefit from changing her mind, she doesn't want the stuff. And she's being imposed upon to accept, store, possibly sort through, dispose of, etc the other friend's stuff.
The problem is not that she needs to change her perspective, but that the friend should stop giving her stuff. The friend has not yet been attuned to OP's lack of interest (OP has probably given subtle hints like not showing that she is thrilled to be on the receiving end.). By now, the friend should be able to combine all these subtle hints and start thinking about whether OP really wants the stuff, but th friend hasn't. It's clear that the friend is using OP as an easy way of reaching her own goal, which is to declutter--no matter what other benevolent aims the friend hopes to achieve at the same time, the fundamental goal she has is to immediately and easily get rid of stuff. It isn't OP's role to solve friend's issue.

So OP should be direct and stop the friend from dropping it off in the first place. OP needs to avoid saying things like, "Thank you for all the stuff so far!" or "I really appreciate you thinking of me!" which is going to reinforce what the friend wants to hear. She also does not need to give excuses like "other people need it more" or "I don't have enough room", because the friend may agree that people need it more but probably finds it not as easy to give it to those in need. Or that OP could surely squeeze in a few more onesies, or baby gear...because she thinks the gear is worth it.

Instead, OP, you will need to be direct; but to keep the friendship, show that you respect her as a person and don't want to offend her. This is easier done with humor if you can manage. All the other PPs should set their mind to thinking of ways that OP could do this.

See if you can have a chat/text convo about non-baby issues, then as things inevitably lead into a topic related to your pregnancy, say... "While we're on the topic of [my due date etc], I wanted to mention--please don't take this the wrong way--I'm finding that it adds to my stress when you drop stuff off. For whatever reason, I've realized that just can't take in stuff that I haven't specifically opted to buy, much less take in the generous volume you've shared with me. I know you are going to think I'm crazy because I've read many anecdotes of people really appreciating extra, and I think the minimalists are in the minority, but I have realized that I'm definitely feeling in the minimalist camp. Can you find another person to be on the receiving end?" If you're texting, sprinkle lots of emojis in there to make it seem less hostile.

[Anonymous]

just thank your friend for her thoughtfulness, tell her you don't have any room in your house to store her gifts, and tell her to pass the gifts to other friends.