Do I have a right to be upset with my 25 year old DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why you’re getting skewered here, by people who are claiming you have no right to your daughter’s time. I think you know you actually don’t, and that this is a decision your daughter is making on her own. That’s why I think it hurts you, because she’s showing you her values.

I’m 29 and definitely would not have snubbed one of my grandparents this way. I’m also white, for context, so it isn’t like there’s some cultural factor as play that would have compelled me to feel like I had to go.

I’d guess that you didn’t explicitly stress the importance of this type stuff growing up. What she’s doing is selfish.

You nailed it, PP. You are what I hope my children will be like when they are your age.

You raised a monster. I expect torturing of small animals are next.

[Anonymous]

At 25 I was kind of clueless, so I’d give this a pass and just let her know she was missed. It’s possible the work gathering included someone she’s romantically interested in, which of course she would not tell you, and at that age getting your groove in can be more immediately compelling than a grandma’s birthday.

Don’t forget it’s possible and probable that your mother means more to you than she does to your daughter, so keep in perspective what their actual relationship is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why you’re getting skewered here, by people who are claiming you have no right to your daughter’s time. I think you know you actually don’t, and that this is a decision your daughter is making on her own. That’s why I think it hurts you, because she’s showing you her values.

I’m 29 and definitely would not have snubbed one of my grandparents this way. I’m also white, for context, so it isn’t like there’s some cultural factor as play that would have compelled me to feel like I had to go.

I’d guess that you didn’t explicitly stress the importance of this type stuff growing up. What she’s doing is selfish.

Wow you are “white” ?...


And apparently perfect.

This has nothing to do with being white, black, pink, purple or any other color!


I thought she was 25? Still an adult. PP is 29
We have no idea what the relationship between grandma and darling grand daughter is.

No mom is not responsible in anyway to tell her DD that she should have showed up. She’s 29 an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm going against the grain but I would absolutely tell her I was disappointed she didn't attend and that we don't know how many birthdays grandma has left, and see what her response is. And I would expect my mother would do the same thing if I made the choice your daughter did. We are a "tell it like it is" family although we say our peace respectfully and don't nag or carry on.

Np. If you were my mom and "told it like it was" then I would probably skip more events. If you nag or try to make someone guilty than they might not want to be in your company. I'm sure the dd can and will see grandma another day. I think the older generation can use that "her last birthday card" for years and at some point it gets tiresome.

We are a close knit family so I'm going to go with what works.

Also I think you read my post wrong, I said we don't nag.

But by mentioning it you are nagging!

[Anonymous]

I am going against the grain here - no excuse to miss a big birthday. I would talk to her about, remind her how much grandma has loved her and how dissapointing her actions were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Party for St. Patrick’s Day??? That’s not for another 10 days. WTH?

+1 Plus like Grandma staying up that late, and the DD's party was THAT early, that the two events conflicted. Really??? What a lame excuse from what sounds like a lame girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 25 I was kind of clueless, so I’d give this a pass and just let her know she was missed. It’s possible the work gathering included someone she’s romantically interested in, which of course she would not tell you, and at that age getting your groove in can be more immediately compelling than a grandma’s birthday.

Don’t forget it’s possible and probable that your mother means more to you than she does to your daughter, so keep in perspective what their actual relationship is like.

FWIW, she has a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, she’s obviously an adult who can make her own decisions. Whatever.

Last night, we had an 85th birthday celebration for my mom. The rest of the family is all basically local (within a two hour’s drive of the party here in DC) — me, my four siblings, and their kids. It was lovely.

My oldest daughter lives in Baltimore, so really not a bad drive at all, decided to party with her work friends for St. Patrick’s day and a coworker’s birthday back in Bmore instead of coming to her grandmother’s birthday party. And grandma is healthy, but at 85 I feel like every birthday is important.

I’m just upset. Do I have a right to be? Or am I being too ‘dramatic’?

NOYFB

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is rude. I would expect my local kids to come to their grandparents’ birthdays.

I hope she realizes this before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anytime someone asks "do I have a right to be upset......', I roll my eyes and take whatever they say with a grain of salt. What drama! Of COURSE, you have a right to your emotions - they're yours and no one else's! Own them!

I'm SO very glad you're not part of my family of origin. We know that attendance at an event is not a reflection of our love or respect. We know that, younger people especially, are more interested in their friends and doing their own thing than attending, yet another, family event. We recognize that relationships are better nurtured when guilt and shame aren't wielded to get desired behaviors.

Reminders to call/text are great. Asking for someone to come for an hour or two, fine. Saying your angry and upset because she didn't complete your picture of a perfect birthday celebration - cringe worthy. Your DD may have been missed but as long as she acknowledged the birthday and spent a moment chatting with her grandmother by text or phone, good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your daughter is rude. I would expect my local kids to come to their grandparents’ birthdays.

I hope she realizes this before it’s too late.

Agree. What she did was selfish and immature. Let’s go out and get sloppy drunk instead of spend time with my grandma which I’m sure she doesn’t do very often. She was a jerk. And no, I’m not a 50 year old Karen.

[Anonymous]

Did grandma want a party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, she?s obviously an adult who can make her own decisions. Whatever.

Last night, we had an 85th birthday celebration for my mom. The rest of the family is all basically local (within a two hour?s drive of the party here in DC) ? me, my four siblings, and their kids. It was lovely.

My oldest daughter lives in Baltimore, so really not a bad drive at all, decided to party with her work friends for St. Patrick?s day and a coworker?s birthday back in Bmore instead of coming to her grandmother?s birthday party. And grandma is healthy, but at 85 I feel like every birthday is important.

I?m just upset. Do I have a right to be? Or am I being too ?dramatic??

I think it's pretty inconsiderate of her. How you express that is up to you.

[Anonymous]

For context of my comment... I'm only a decade older than your daughter. I'd say something simple and in passing to her, like, "Everyone missed you at Grandma's birthday. I hope you made time to call her and let her know you were thinking of her."

Also, just curious, would she be embarrassed for everyone to know why she skipped Grandma's party? If yes, that would tell you a lot about whether she thinks she was right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

1) That other PP nailed it, you are disappointed because she's showing you her values, and they conflict with yours.

2) Sure be disappointed, as you should be

3) However; at that age they are clueless about Grandma's time-being-short etc, so don't get TOO disappointed.

4) Likely, though, there was someone at the St. Pat's party she has a thing for, and that is why she opted out.

5) Please give feedback (you will always be her mom, so you always have a right to give unsolicited feedback!) but you have to make it EFFECTIVE. So make it constructive:

I'd just say something like, since you didn't come to the party, if you could please send Grandma a card (or call her; whatever).

Please do NOT say "Grandma was hurt you didn't come" or "Grandma noticed you were not there" because you are now negatively impacting whatever relationship DD and Grandma have with each other. If you HAVE to comment, say "I wished you had come" but even better, "I wished you had been there, but maybe next time!"

I'm just saying, don't focus on telling her how you wished she had taken a different path....just invite her down the path you would like her to take the next time.