Do I have a right to be upset with my 25 year old DD?

[Anonymous]

You can not tell another person *how* to love

[Anonymous]

DD has her own relationship with Grandma. DD will choose her own way of showing love

Op cares about looking like a bad mother, which she shouldn't. And that alone, might be an indication that she's overly involved in her adult child's life.

[Anonymous]

Unless there is some friction with the grandmother/granddaughter, I would be very upset if my daughter did not attend her grandmother's 85th birthday gathering. Not just because 85 is old but because the whole family, all of the aunts/uncles and cousins were getting together for a family gathering to celebrate grandma. If she lives within an hour or so, she should have been there! Now, if she had an important event to go to, that would be different, but a St. Pat's Party? No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm going against the grain but I would absolutely tell her I was disappointed she didn't attend and that we don't know how many birthdays grandma has left, and see what her response is. And I would expect my mother would do the same thing if I made the choice your daughter did. We are a "tell it like it is" family although we say our peace respectfully and don't nag or carry on.

Np. If you were my mom and "told it like it was" then I would probably skip more events. If you nag or try to make someone guilty than they might not want to be in your company. I'm sure the dd can and will see grandma another day. I think the older generation can use that "her last birthday card" for years and at some point it gets tiresome.

Proud of being spiteful... how immature.

NP. I agree I would be unlikely to come to more events if my mother spoke to me as stated. Spiteful or not it would not have the outcome mom would be hoping for.

You should be able to handle someone expressing disappointment with your actions. That's part of being an adult. No one is perfect and yes, even you can make mistakes (and get called out on it by the people who love you). You don't get to be immune from criticism just because you have reached adulthood, and that goes for any relationship you are in. A mature thing to do would be to hear your mother's concerns and then discuss why you made the choice you did in a non accusatory, reasonable manner.

[Anonymous]

No you don't have the right to be upset with your daughter. She is now an adult and can handle her adult relationships the way she chooses to.

She may catch up with her grandmother on another day. Perhaps at 85 grandma doesn't really care for birthdays and will enjoy a private catch up better or maybe not but it's between them.

[Anonymous]

OP, how would you handle if this were a friend? You might decide to mention your disappointment in not seeing them, or mention that they were missed, or mention that you would have thought they would have been there ... but then, that's it. You wouldn't say more. They don't have to please you. They don't have to make the same decision you would have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm going against the grain but I would absolutely tell her I was disappointed she didn't attend and that we don't know how many birthdays grandma has left, and see what her response is. And I would expect my mother would do the same thing if I made the choice your daughter did. We are a "tell it like it is" family although we say our peace respectfully and don't nag or carry on.

Np. If you were my mom and "told it like it was" then I would probably skip more events. If you nag or try to make someone guilty than they might not want to be in your company. I'm sure the dd can and will see grandma another day. I think the older generation can use that "her last birthday card" for years and at some point it gets tiresome.

Proud of being spiteful... how immature.

NP. I agree I would be unlikely to come to more events if my mother spoke to me as stated. Spiteful or not it would not have the outcome mom would be hoping for.

You should be able to handle someone expressing disappointment with your actions. That's part of being an adult. No one is perfect and yes, even you can make mistakes (and get called out on it by the people who love you). You don't get to be immune from criticism just because you have reached adulthood, and that goes for any relationship you are in. A mature thing to do would be to hear your mother's concerns and then discuss why you made the choice you did in a non accusatory, reasonable manner.

DP. No one said anything about not being 'able to handle' criticism. One of the benefits of being an adult is not having to explain your choices and actions - in fact, it's part of establishing healthy boundaries.

As repeatedly noted in this forum, an invitation is not a summons. No one is required to provide a justification for not accepting an invitation. What OP is teaching her DD is not to share information. Being judgmental, critical and expressing disappointment over something as trivial as a birthday party will reinforce the DD's choice not to attend family events. Seems like a lot of people on this thread know little about positive reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm going against the grain but I would absolutely tell her I was disappointed she didn't attend and that we don't know how many birthdays grandma has left, and see what her response is. And I would expect my mother would do the same thing if I made the choice your daughter did. We are a "tell it like it is" family although we say our peace respectfully and don't nag or carry on.

Np. If you were my mom and "told it like it was" then I would probably skip more events. If you nag or try to make someone guilty than they might not want to be in your company. I'm sure the dd can and will see grandma another day. I think the older generation can use that "her last birthday card" for years and at some point it gets tiresome.

Proud of being spiteful... how immature.

NP. I agree I would be unlikely to come to more events if my mother spoke to me as stated. Spiteful or not it would not have the outcome mom would be hoping for.

You should be able to handle someone expressing disappointment with your actions. That's part of being an adult. No one is perfect and yes, even you can make mistakes (and get called out on it by the people who love you). You don't get to be immune from criticism just because you have reached adulthood, and that goes for any relationship you are in. A mature thing to do would be to hear your mother's concerns and then discuss why you made the choice you did in a non accusatory, reasonable manner.

Then you have to be the grown up and accept the fact that I may want to do even less with you and Grandma. If you are adult than you have to accept an adult's choices. Nobody wants to be around people who nag them all the time.

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m surprised at the vitriol toward OP. I don’t sense a lot of these PPs value a connection with the elder members in their family or community. Because the answers are entirely focused on the (very valid) fact that OP’s DD is an adult with the right to make her own choices, without acknowledging or understanding OP’s feelings of disappointment. Comments like “85 year old birthday parties are a bore” reflect that this is not the audience for OP’s query.

I get it, OP. But I also agree that you can’t make demands on your adult daughter. When I was 25 I was so wrapped up in my own dramatic life and didn’t spend as much time with my dying grandmother, who I had been very close to throughout my life. I miss her every day and wish I had done things differently, but those insights and relocations came later, with maturity and more years of life under my belt.

So you have the right to feel upset and disappointed, but that’s something for you to manage on your own. You were present, and you celebrated your mother on that day with extended family. Your DD has to live her own life, and deal with the consequences of her decisions.

[Anonymous]

^^*reflection* came layee