Do I have a right to be upset with my 25 year old DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how people think attendance at a party is a reflection of values, devotion and character. It's not. If OP's DD treats her grandmother well all other times, missing one party is not a big deal. It's not like grandma was sitting home alone because granddaughter stood her up.

I disagree. Under the circumstances here, it is a reflection of the granddaughter's values. She values spending spending time with her friends over spending time with her own grandmother on her 85th birthday - a grandmother who has likely done a lot for the granddaughter over the years which probably includes celebrating the granddaughter's own birthdays. I'd agree with you if this was a random Sunday dinner with grandma that we are talking about, but it wasn't. The granddaughter can't be bothered to show up for the big events so how likely is it that she takes time out of her schedule to spend with her grandma otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how people think attendance at a party is a reflection of values, devotion and character. It's not. If OP's DD treats her grandmother well all other times, missing one party is not a big deal. It's not like grandma was sitting home alone because granddaughter stood her up.

I disagree. Under the circumstances here, it is a reflection of the granddaughter's values. She values spending spending time with her friends over spending time with her own grandmother on her 85th birthday - a grandmother who has likely done a lot for the granddaughter over the years which probably includes celebrating the granddaughter's own birthdays. I'd agree with you if this was a random Sunday dinner with grandma that we are talking about, but it wasn't. The granddaughter can't be bothered to show up for the big events so how likely is it that she takes time out of her schedule to spend with her grandma otherwise?

Sounds like it wasn't as big a deal for grandma as it was for mom. Sounds like a regular family get together. When my grandmother had her 90th and 100th birthdays, we had big parties at the her church with invitations to the community, friends and family. THAT is a celebration which requires attendance. Having family over (which are local) for dinner/cake is nowhere near the same. Being local, they see each other all the time. With all the local family, I'm sure OP was the only one that missed her DD.

[Anonymous]

I would be upset too OP. An 85th birthday celebration is a milestone and it is far more important than a St.Patricks day outing with coworkers.

I pity the people who think otherwise. Wait till you all are 85 and your grandkids ignore you.

[Anonymous]

I'm an immigrant too and would have not dreamed of kissing a birthday. My grandma was back in the old country and we all flew back for milestone birthdays as as many others as we could. Including when I was in college. My maternal grandmother was amazing and was my caretaker while my ornery worked when I was little and after school. We remained close until her death (I was out of college by then). We wrote long letters and called when it became less expensive. But every relationship and family values are different.
My family makes a big deal of birthdays and we always celebrate on the day if we can. Even when I had tiny babies we would still celebrate my parents birthdays, they would just come to us instead did us to them. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset too OP. An 85th birthday celebration is a milestone and it is far more important than a St.Patricks day outing with coworkers.

I pity the people who think otherwise. Wait till you all are 85 and your grandkids ignore you.

There is no indication that OP's DD has ignored her grandmother. I wasn't aware that 85 is a milestone birthday - 16, 18, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70/75, 80, 90, 100, yeah. But, if you're going to make 85 a 'milestone birthday, isn't every birthday after that a milestone birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Barring any extenuating factors (grandmother is awful or something else is going on in the family; boss was going to be at the work party and face time was important), I would be upset if my child blew off their grandparent's birthday simply to hang out with friends after work AND I would let my child know that I am disappointed in their decision and that I hope they make a different decision the next time. I would also let my child know that it would be nice if they could find some time in the near future to spend with their grandmother since they missed celebrating her birthday. It doesn't have to be confrontational or passive-aggressive. And it doesn't have to get drawn out. I wouldn't go on and on about it if my child disagreed with me or pushed back.

You don't stop being a parent simply because your child is 25. You can't control what they do but you can absolutely continue to guide them if you see them making decisions that are immature, selfish or harmful to themselves or others. It's a fine line between this and sticking your nose in their business when you shouldn't, but I think as a parent you have to err on the side of being a little annoying when it comes to things that are important to you. And I would hope that my relationship with my adult child is such that we can have conversations like this without it becoming an issue.

Note the narcissism in your post PP. What's important to you may not be important to your adult child, and you need to respect boundaries. My mom was like you with her own lofty ideals about family and she and I no longer speak because it was very suffocating for me. I'm just one example, but I am a real example. Parents of adult children should not be harrassing them to attend family functions at all.

[Anonymous]

You daughter is old enough to understand that her decisions have consequences. Perhaps this decision makes her family and grandmother think less of her. She gets to deal with the fallout, if any.

You should keep in mind that expressing disappointment or being critical of an adult's decisions (particularly with any frequency) is likely to damage the relationship you have with you daughter.

Just wait until you have a son in law or daughter in law. Then any criticism you lob their way is especially likely to backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset too OP. An 85th birthday celebration is a milestone and it is far more important than a St.Patricks day outing with coworkers.

I pity the people who think otherwise. Wait till you all are 85 and your grandkids ignore you.

I most likely won't have grand kids so not worried about them "ignoring me" Daughter has the right to live her life. Did Grandma go to her Grandma's 84 birthday?

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't set up these "tests" and be unhappy when someone doesn't meet your expectation. Op, even if this is not what *you* did, it sounds like many posters responding do this.

All that matters is your DD's & Grandma's relationship - do they appreciate each other. If they do, they know they are loved.

[Anonymous]

The tyranny of fixed expectations

- the concept has wreaked many relationships. Be careful Op.

[Anonymous]

Personally I would be disappointed as well but to “blame” I would really need much more information on her relationship with her grandmother - how you fostered that as she was growing, what it’s like now, and how much the family gets together. Man “kids” that age are selfish and won’t realize the natural consequences until it’s too late. Just let that happen. She is making her own decisions and can own the results. Maybe she’ll regret it, maybe she won’t - but you don’t own her feelings so there isn't much you can do. Your feelings are colored by your own life and relationships and you can’t make her feel like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm going against the grain but I would absolutely tell her I was disappointed she didn't attend and that we don't know how many birthdays grandma has left, and see what her response is. And I would expect my mother would do the same thing if I made the choice your daughter did. We are a "tell it like it is" family although we say our peace respectfully and don't nag or carry on.

Np. If you were my mom and "told it like it was" then I would probably skip more events. If you nag or try to make someone guilty than they might not want to be in your company. I'm sure the dd can and will see grandma another day. I think the older generation can use that "her last birthday card" for years and at some point it gets tiresome.

Proud of being spiteful... how immature.

[Anonymous]

Your right, bad behavior and she will come to regret this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get how people think attendance at a party is a reflection of values, devotion and character. It's not. If OP's DD treats her grandmother well all other times, missing one party is not a big deal. It's not like grandma was sitting home alone because granddaughter stood her up.

I agree with this. Plus, Baltimore is not "local" if you're in DMV. Nagging here will not make her closer to your mother, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm going against the grain but I would absolutely tell her I was disappointed she didn't attend and that we don't know how many birthdays grandma has left, and see what her response is. And I would expect my mother would do the same thing if I made the choice your daughter did. We are a "tell it like it is" family although we say our peace respectfully and don't nag or carry on.

Np. If you were my mom and "told it like it was" then I would probably skip more events. If you nag or try to make someone guilty than they might not want to be in your company. I'm sure the dd can and will see grandma another day. I think the older generation can use that "her last birthday card" for years and at some point it gets tiresome.

Proud of being spiteful... how immature.

NP. I agree I would be unlikely to come to more events if my mother spoke to me as stated. Spiteful or not it would not have the outcome mom would be hoping for.