17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger, so this is a sincere question, not a judgmental one. Aren’t teens supposed to rebel? Isn’t it part of growing up and gaining independence? I know we won’t like it, I know it means risky behavior, but isn’t it part of the process? We lied to our parents, we snuck out sometimes. And I was a “good” kid! I do think at 17 it’s important to give a little more leeway. But my oldest is 12, so I’m not there yet...I may be eating my words in 2025...

NP I do have older kids and I don't think you should just "accept it" because not every kid rebels and not every kid lies and breaks rules to gain independence. If you expect it, than yes but, don't go into it thinking "this is normal" because you can raise teens to independent without them going off the rails.

[Anonymous]

Better review statutory rape laws in your state while you’re at it, as noted above.

Potential legal jeopardy if her parents want to make a stink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17 year old is almost an adult. You need to start backing off and allowing him more autonomy or he will have no choice but to lie to you.

It is time to start thinking about how you want to relate to him as an adult.

With a 16 year old girl whose parents disapprove? Op’s Son is setting himself up for a discussion in a police station and a sex offender label.

Put aside the disobeying parents (very bad) and springing the night with a GF (I would say no to a minor who lived under my roof) and the general sneaking around. OP’s son is setting himself up to be accused of ... rape, statutory rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment if the girls mom and dad find out. Especially if she tries to weasel out of responsibility and consequences by lying.

This. I say that as a mom of a son and a daughter. I rebelled as a teen and did all sorts of things. You handled this well, OP. I’m glad you went home. Speak with him today calmly about the real possibility of statutory rape. How long before he turns 18? You can’t stop what happens during the day but don’t turn a blind eye if he’s living under your roof and you know it’s going on. Take the keys for NYE for lying. No, I’m not okay with spending the night at boyfriend or girlfriend’s houses. They can do that in college when I don’t know about it.

[Anonymous]

at 16, he needs s...e...x... it's natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. Not sure what I would do in this case.

My DH is saying he would get the spare keys to DS's car, drive it home and talk to DS in the morning.

Oh snap! Your DH is a savage genius. This would be brilliant.

[Anonymous]

If his curfew was 2 AM that was plenty of time to have a lot of sex - what was the point of lying to sleep over? Dumb kids.

[Anonymous]

The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

[Anonymous]

I hope she's not pregnant by the time you get there....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger, so this is a sincere question, not a judgmental one. Aren’t teens supposed to rebel? Isn’t it part of growing up and gaining independence? I know we won’t like it, I know it means risky behavior, but isn’t it part of the process? We lied to our parents, we snuck out sometimes. And I was a “good” kid! I do think at 17 it’s important to give a little more leeway. But my oldest is 12, so I’m not there yet...I may be eating my words in 2025...

"Gaining independence" should be earned by being trustworthy. Don't equate it with being a lying sneak.

Lying is an immature behavior. Being unable to delay gratification is an immature trait. It's not like this boy even has to delay seeing this GF much. Note that this boy's mom is NOT forbidding him from seeing the GF alone, just from spending the night. He already has a very late curfew, so it's not like he's on a short leash already. He has remarkable freedom compared to the teens my DC knows. But being a stupid teen, he still acted like he's locked down (life is so unfair, mom is such a helicopter!) and he concocted a deception--not to see a forbidden-fruit Juliet but to see if he could get away with a few extra hours with a GF he already can see plenty, and late into the night, under his parents' lenient rules. OP, I'd ground the ingrate for a lot longer than you're planning to, and I'd tell him he blew all the easy privileges he already had but didn't realize were so good.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing.

But, you need to get your emotions in check. What he did was completely normal behavior for 17 year olds. Not saying that you shouldn’t punish him but stop acting like this is a huge deal and he’s a failure and you failed as a mother and all that BS that’s going through your head.

I’m impressed he gave it the old college try. But yeah he got caught so he gets punished

This. Yes, you should ground him etc. But this doesn’t mean he’s a terrible teen he’s gone awry. I was a very good kid but did sometimes do stuff like this to see my boyfriend. It’s not a huge deal.

I probably would have called him out before this happened by calling the girls parents and asking if it was ok for him to sleep over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing.

But, you need to get your emotions in check. What he did was completely normal behavior for 17 year olds. Not saying that you shouldn’t punish him but stop acting like this is a huge deal and he’s a failure and you failed as a mother and all that BS that’s going through your head.

I’m impressed he gave it the old college try. But yeah he got caught so he gets punished

This is what I think too, OP.

It is his job to push away and be a pain in the ass. YOur post makes it sound like maybe you grew up somewhere else, perhaps somewhere that is different culturally. In the US, kids go away to college and they rebel before then. They rebel and push for independence the same way that they did at 2 and 3 yrs old. Your ds made mistakes, and he should have consequences for them, but he is not headed to juvenile hall. He is pushing away from you in a normal way. Just like with a toddler, some kids have to go through these stages.

He should have consequences because he got caught but he is not a failure and you are not a failure. Don't go over the top here, but yes, he should get consequences and deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posters citing concerns about statutory rape are almost certainly misguided. First, in many, if not most, states a 16 year old has reached the age of consent. Second, many states require there to be a significant age gap even if one party has not reached the broader age of consent. A 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old would not realistically face legal consequences for consensual behavior.

This is not true. Don't you watch the news?

NP I think that when you look in to it, you will see that pp is right. In most states this would be a non issue. I can't speak for all states but I can't name even one where this would be a problem. But you can read up on it and let us know which state this would be a problem in.

[Anonymous]

Obvs they want to have sex. Make sure both are using bc. Ask her mom, straight up. Invite her to sleep over your house instead.

Teens will have sex. Don’t make them lie about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call his phone, girls home or parents and let them know you are coming over to get him now with your spouse and that he loses the car privileges for a month, cannot go out without you or your husband except school and activities and restrict use of the phone. From now on all texts and emails go to your phone as well AND he is restricted from downloading anything without your permission. I would email the parents and let them know what happened and let them know his is not to sleep over or be at their house when they are not home.

Yep, this. I would pull out all the stops. His behavior is totally unacceptable.