17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

[Anonymous]

Am I wrong for thinking it’s inappropriate for him to spend the night with his gf (just turned 16) knowing her parents are out of town and would definitely not approve?
I just can’t get through to him. Now I inadvertently find out his plan to deceive us by leaving his phone with a friend and pretending to spend the night there while really staying at his gf’s.

How do I approach this? He asked me if he could spend the night with her while her parents are out of town because she is scared to be alone. I said it was her parents’ responsibility to handle that not her 17 year old bf. i know that her parents planned that she spend the nights they are away with a friend and I know her parents do not approve but he is trying to convince me that they don’t care. I told him that if they tell me it is ok then I will think about it. Knowing that they do not he berated me for being a helicopter, that all his friends are allowed to stay with their girlfriends and that I am too obsessed with monitoring where he is etc. The rules we have are that he tells us where he is, no sleepovers after a party unless out of town with good friends and home by 1:30.
Tonight is the night. He tells me he is spending the night a with friend. I remind him of the no sleepover rule and tell him to be home by 2. I see the dots that appear when someone is texting back but I receive no reply and he is not home.
The deceitfulness is unacceptable. I only found out about it because his phone crashed yesterday and when he logged back on he somehow connected to my phone so I have all his messages yesterday afternoon along with the plan of the deceit.

I am so disappointed and upset with him. I feel line going around to the gf’s house and the friend’s house but I fear I will come across as a maniac.
How do I handle this effectively when he comes home?

We have noticed these defiant behaviors in him over the last 6 months since he started dating this girls. He’s always been a very well behaved boy and Ive never had to impose consequences on him because he usually obeys the rules ( he may be a few minutes late coming in but nothing major). I’m not sure if it’s her influence or a function of his age.
Am I being too restrictive causing him to have to lie to do what is considered normal for his age?
I know I’m rambling but I’m confused and upset. I want to handle this the appropriate way. Should I stop him for going out on New Years ever as a consequence for this?
What would other parents do in these circumstances? I’m really upset right now so please be gentle with the assaults

[Anonymous]

I would call his phone, girls home or parents and let them know you are coming over to get him now with your spouse and that he loses the car privileges for a month, cannot go out without you or your husband except school and activities and restrict use of the phone. From now on all texts and emails go to your phone as well AND he is restricted from downloading anything without your permission. I would email the parents and let them know what happened and let them know his is not to sleep over or be at their house when they are not home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call his phone, girls home or parents and let them know you are coming over to get him now with your spouse and that he loses the car privileges for a month, cannot go out without you or your husband except school and activities and restrict use of the phone. From now on all texts and emails go to your phone as well AND he is restricted from downloading anything without your permission. I would email the parents and let them know what happened and let them know his is not to sleep over or be at their house when they are not home.

OP here. Thank you. That is where I am headed. I just wanted to test the temperature out there.
So I’m not off base in my belief that spending the night together at this age is not appropriate not least because not only I but her parents do not approve? Are 17/16 year olds spending nights with gf’s now? I know I sound mad but are my rules too restrictive? I’m just sick that he would deceive us like this and I’m doubting myself and wondering if I pushed him to this. I don’t think that is an excuse to deceive but I just want to get perspective.
I want to have a balanced reaction to this.

[Anonymous]

We have a 9 year old at home so I have to go get him alone. My husband is sleeping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call his phone, girls home or parents and let them know you are coming over to get him now with your spouse and that he loses the car privileges for a month, cannot go out without you or your husband except school and activities and restrict use of the phone. From now on all texts and emails go to your phone as well AND he is restricted from downloading anything without your permission. I would email the parents and let them know what happened and let them know his is not to sleep over or be at their house when they are not home.

OP here. Thank you. That is where I am headed. I just wanted to test the temperature out there.
So I’m not off base in my belief that spending the night together at this age is not appropriate not least because not only I but her parents do not approve? Are 17/16 year olds spending nights with gf’s now? I know I sound mad but are my rules too restrictive? I’m just sick that he would deceive us like this and I’m doubting myself and wondering if I pushed him to this. I don’t think that is an excuse to deceive but I just want to get perspective.
I want to have a balanced reaction to this.

The lying, ignoring your text, etc. are all a huge issue. If she was alone, she could have spent the night at your home in a separate room/supervised. I would take it very seriously. No, you didn't push him to it. It is not ok at 16/17 and the other parents should not be leaving their daughter alone overnight so I question their judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a 9 year old at home so I have to go get him alone. My husband is sleeping

I'd wake up my husband and tell my 9 year old to get in the car... my kid would be far safer with Dad around....

[Anonymous]

Let us know how the pickup went?

[Anonymous]

This is definitely not ok.

[Anonymous]

17 year old is almost an adult. You need to start backing off and allowing him more autonomy or he will have no choice but to lie to you.

It is time to start thinking about how you want to relate to him as an adult.

[Anonymous]

I’m parked outside the friend’s house where his phone says he is and texted and called him and he hasn’t come out.
I think he’s at the gf’s house but left his phone here. I’ve been here for almost 3 hours.
Do I stay here or go to girlfriend’s house? If I go there he could say he just went to pick up his car and left his phone at friend’s house. If I stay at friend’s he will have to come here to pick up his phone and will have to explain why his phone is here and has been all night while he hasn’t.
But the question is should I stay here at all? I can’t ring the door bell because I don’t want to wake up friend’s parents. So short of catching him out why am I here?
I could go to gf’s house and ring the bell since her parents are not there but she could say my son is not there and he could nip to friend’s house, get his phone and go to gf’s house as if that was the plan all along.

The question still is-am I acting like a normal rational woman? Should I just go home and wait for him and dish out the punishment? What purpose will catching him in the act serve?
I’m so confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call his phone, girls home or parents and let them know you are coming over to get him now with your spouse and that he loses the car privileges for a month, cannot go out without you or your husband except school and activities and restrict use of the phone. From now on all texts and emails go to your phone as well AND he is restricted from downloading anything without your permission. I would email the parents and let them know what happened and let them know his is not to sleep over or be at their house when they are not home.

OP here. Thank you. That is where I am headed. I just wanted to test the temperature out there.
So I’m not off base in my belief that spending the night together at this age is not appropriate not least because not only I but her parents do not approve? Are 17/16 year olds spending nights with gf’s now? I know I sound mad but are my rules too restrictive? I’m just sick that he would deceive us like this and I’m doubting myself and wondering if I pushed him to this. I don’t think that is an excuse to deceive but I just want to get perspective.
I want to have a balanced reaction to this.

In the context of a committed relationship i would have no problem with them spending the night. Though i would be happier at 17 or 18 than 16. But teenagers have always had sex, and the more restrictive the parents the more dangerous the behavior that can result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 year old is almost an adult. You need to start backing off and allowing him more autonomy or he will have no choice but to lie to you.

It is time to start thinking about how you want to relate to him as an adult.

I do allow him autonomy but should I not limit it to what is acceptable behavior?
Is spending all night out ok for a 17 year old just because he will be 18 in 9 months ?

[Anonymous]

OP here. While I don’t think it’s appropriate for a just 17 and just 16 year old to spend the night together I would reluctantly consider it if her parents were onboard. Going behind her parents back while they are away when they have expressly said he should not be there is wrong surely?

[Anonymous]

Where is his car parked? His girlfriend's or the friend's? I would probably sit at the girlfriend's house and wait for him to come out.

[Anonymous]

It’s also not just the sex. It’s the disregard for her parents’ and our rules and lying and dodging calls and texts that is upsetting