17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, what kind of teenage experiences did you guys have?

When I was 17 I did this exact thing. I spent the night at my boyfriends when his mom was out of town. Yes, we had sex. [many times, not just that specific night]

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I don't think it was awful what we did.

The kind where my parents didn’t let me be a teen whore.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have an underlying problem at hand that goes beyond the appropriateness of the sleepover. Whether it is appropriate is a family matter and can be subjective. But the fact that your son went behind your back to concoct an elaborate scheme is objectively not healthy for any relationship. While you say that your boy was always very obedient and all, it might not necessarily be the case and this it not the only time he lied to you, and it may just be the first time you found out. However, even if it is the only time, it was definitely triggered by some ongoing relationship that he felt that was OK or worth the risk jeopardize your trust in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of the posters with a son and daughter that mentioned statutory rape and really don’t care if it’s technically legal or not. I was thinking of DH and my reaction if we found out our teen daughter had her older BF sleep over when we were gone. Sure, maybe it wouldn’t be illegal but we’d try to make his life hell and hers. That’s what we’d be warning our son about. Angry parents.

I don’t know what we would do in your situation but I admire how calm you are being. I’m following for advice if we end up in a similar situation someday.

You can make your daughter’s life hell if you wish. But if you tried to make his hell for an entirely legal act, you would be the one facing charges for harassment.

LOL. Like anyone is going to have one ounce of sympathy for the boyfriend when the girl's parents don't want their teenage daughter's older boyfriend sleeping over and having sex with her while they are out of town. You are out of your mind.

The girls parents should not leave a teenage girl home alone.

Read the original post - they didn't - GF was supposed to stay with friends:

Am I wrong for thinking it’s inappropriate for him to spend the night with his gf (just turned 16) knowing her parents are out of town and would definitely not approve?
I just can’t get through to him. Now I inadvertently find out his plan to deceive us by leaving his phone with a friend and pretending to spend the night there while really staying at his gf’s.

How do I approach this? He asked me if he could spend the night with her while her parents are out of town because she is scared to be alone. I said it was her parents’ responsibility to handle that not her 17 year old bf. i know that her parents planned that she spend the nights they are away with a friend and I know her parents do not approve but he is trying to convince me that they don’t care. I told him that if they tell me it is ok then I will think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was one of the posters with a son and daughter that mentioned statutory rape and really don’t care if it’s technically legal or not. I was thinking of DH and my reaction if we found out our teen daughter had her older BF sleep over when we were gone. Sure, maybe it wouldn’t be illegal but we’d try to make his life hell and hers. That’s what we’d be warning our son about. Angry parents.

I don’t know what we would do in your situation but I admire how calm you are being. I’m following for advice if we end up in a similar situation someday.

You can make your daughter’s life hell if you wish. But if you tried to make his hell for an entirely legal act, you would be the one facing charges for harassment.

LOL. Like anyone is going to have one ounce of sympathy for the boyfriend when the girl's parents don't want their teenage daughter's older boyfriend sleeping over and having sex with her while they are out of town. You are out of your mind.

The girls parents should not leave a teenage girl home alone.

Read the original post - they didn't - GF was supposed to stay with friends:

Am I wrong for thinking it’s inappropriate for him to spend the night with his gf (just turned 16) knowing her parents are out of town and would definitely not approve?
I just can’t get through to him. Now I inadvertently find out his plan to deceive us by leaving his phone with a friend and pretending to spend the night there while really staying at his gf’s.

How do I approach this? He asked me if he could spend the night with her while her parents are out of town because she is scared to be alone. I said it was her parents’ responsibility to handle that not her 17 year old bf. i know that her parents planned that she spend the nights they are away with a friend and I know her parents do not approve but he is trying to convince me that they don’t care. I told him that if they tell me it is ok then I will think about it.

It seems to me that what should have happened is OP pick up the phone last week and talk to GF's parents to say "I want to make sure we are on the same page about this ..." and find out for sure that the plan was. OP was far too reliant on info from her son. Going forward, that can't happen since he has proven himself to be a liar. OP seems a little afraid of any sort of confrontation with son or others. Unfortunately as the parent of teenagers, you need to get over that and just deal

[Anonymous]

Your DS is a senior in high school. Yeah, he’s lying to you. In college, he likely won’t tell you anything at all so he won’t have to lie to you. Just a bad dynamic that is just a prelude to how you will relate to him as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DS is a senior in high school. Yeah, he’s lying to you. In college, he likely won’t tell you anything at all so he won’t have to lie to you. Just a bad dynamic that is just a prelude to how you will relate to him as an adult.

Disagree. I mean come on, did you know ANYONE that told their parents about their sex lives in college. It's rare. It doesn't mean they won't be close. The idea that having a teenager be angry at a parent for setting boundaries while they are minors and living at home and being taken care of is guaranteed to lead to a strained adult relationship is ridiculous to me. All teenagers I knew pushed back. All parents didn't roll over. The vast majority have loving adult family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DS is a senior in high school. Yeah, he’s lying to you. In college, he likely won’t tell you anything at all so he won’t have to lie to you. Just a bad dynamic that is just a prelude to how you will relate to him as an adult.

Disagree. I mean come on, did you know ANYONE that told their parents about their sex lives in college. It's rare. It doesn't mean they won't be close. The idea that having a teenager be angry at a parent for setting boundaries while they are minors and living at home and being taken care of is guaranteed to lead to a strained adult relationship is ridiculous to me. All teenagers I knew pushed back. All parents didn't roll over. The vast majority have loving adult family relationships.

Depends on the relationship. I am not close to my parents as an adult because I know they will fly off the handle and make whatever I confide in them into “Big Drama”, and make whatever issue/problem a hundred times worse by their reaction: Better not to tell them or ask their advice at all since then I only have to deal with the problem and not my parents reaction + problem. Some people are not supportive at all and make things worse by their attitude like everything is about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 year old is almost an adult. You need to start backing off and allowing him more autonomy or he will have no choice but to lie to you.

It is time to start thinking about how you want to relate to him as an adult.

I agree with this. I went to college at 17. Is he responsible? Kind? Have you taught him about safe sex, consent, using the buddy system at a party, not drinking and driving? Let go a little.

[Anonymous]

How many drinks can you have, and then consent to sex?

[Anonymous]

Gf parents likely didn't buy the "staying with friends" bs but probably have had the appropriate discussions about safe sex and consent. Op seems delusional.

[Anonymous]

My problem is that the girl JUST turned 16. That's awfully young for this kind of relationship. If they were both 17 and headed to college next year, I'd feel like they were in the same place and that angling to spend a night together was pretty normal. But she's awfully young. I hope my 15-year-old isn't 10 months away from this because she's definitely nowhere near ready.

[Anonymous]

These people obviously did not grow up in a strict catholic home in the 90’s. Basically the double life started at about age 14 and you had to lay the groundwork on and on so that your parents had no idea what was going on. I am perplexed as to what a parent would do when confronted with such obvious information. That’s a tough one.

I grew up in the strictest house with the most severe consequences and did all of the bad things anyway. I’m treating respect as a two way street in my parenting and I am seeing great results compared to the kids who are lying and sneaking around and looking for thrills. I’ve taken some of the thrill out of it by not making everything so black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people obviously did not grow up in a strict catholic home in the 90’s. Basically the double life started at about age 14 and you had to lay the groundwork on and on so that your parents had no idea what was going on. I am perplexed as to what a parent would do when confronted with such obvious information. That’s a tough one.

I grew up in the strictest house with the most severe consequences and did all of the bad things anyway. I’m treating respect as a two way street in my parenting and I am seeing great results compared to the kids who are lying and sneaking around and looking for thrills. I’ve taken some of the thrill out of it by not making everything so black and white.

I hear you. Very much the same.

The issue here is that OP's son KNEW his GF's parents objected to him staying over. He was told not to do it by his own parents, "berated" his mother about it and then went and did it anyway. It's a distinction, but an important one. Did you ever get caught sneaking around? I did once at age 16 and was grounded for a month - IN THE SUMMER. I totally deserved it and so does this kid.

[Anonymous]

He deserves to be grounded for being stupid. When you have these types of parents the only two solutions are: have almost no social life until you can leave for college / own apartment, or learn how to be a creative, lying problem solving genius.

Having had similar parents in the 80s, why these young people aren't buying cheap burner phones to use to make their behind the scenes plans is puzzling to me. We didn't have access to such technology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DS is a senior in high school. Yeah, he’s lying to you. In college, he likely won’t tell you anything at all so he won’t have to lie to you. Just a bad dynamic that is just a prelude to how you will relate to him as an adult.

Disagree. I mean come on, did you know ANYONE that told their parents about their sex lives in college. It's rare. It doesn't mean they won't be close. The idea that having a teenager be angry at a parent for setting boundaries while they are minors and living at home and being taken care of is guaranteed to lead to a strained adult relationship is ridiculous to me. All teenagers I knew pushed back. All parents didn't roll over. The vast majority have loving adult family relationships.

Me! And several of my friends talked to my mom, because her theory was that every teen/young adult she counseled was hopefully one less unwanted baby, abortion or std. Of course, my mom had no objection to answering any question I had, no matter what it was, no matter how old I was.