17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

[Anonymous]

If he’s going off to college in the fall and this is the worst thing he’s ever done, consider yourself very lucky. I think a little perspective is warranted here. It’s obviously not okay, but you need to handle it without being over the top dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger, so this is a sincere question, not a judgmental one. Aren’t teens supposed to rebel? Isn’t it part of growing up and gaining independence? I know we won’t like it, I know it means risky behavior, but isn’t it part of the process? We lied to our parents, we snuck out sometimes. And I was a “good” kid! I do think at 17 it’s important to give a little more leeway. But my oldest is 12, so I’m not there yet...I may be eating my words in 2025...

"Gaining independence" should be earned by being trustworthy. Don't equate it with being a lying sneak.

Lying is an immature behavior. Being unable to delay gratification is an immature trait. It's not like this boy even has to delay seeing this GF much. Note that this boy's mom is NOT forbidding him from seeing the GF alone, just from spending the night. He already has a very late curfew, so it's not like he's on a short leash already. He has remarkable freedom compared to the teens my DC knows. But being a stupid teen, he still acted like he's locked down (life is so unfair, mom is such a helicopter!) and he concocted a deception--not to see a forbidden-fruit Juliet but to see if he could get away with a few extra hours with a GF he already can see plenty, and late into the night, under his parents' lenient rules. OP, I'd ground the ingrate for a lot longer than you're planning to, and I'd tell him he blew all the easy privileges he already had but didn't realize were so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17 year old is almost an adult. You need to start backing off and allowing him more autonomy or he will have no choice but to lie to you.

It is time to start thinking about how you want to relate to him as an adult.

I do allow him autonomy but should I not limit it to what is acceptable behavior?
Is spending all night out ok for a 17 year old just because he will be 18 in 9 months ?

OP you are 100% correct. The idea that he should be allowed to do whatever he wants just because he will be 18 in a few months is silly. Its a matter of respect and following your rules. While he lives in your house he needs to abide by your rules. No way I would allow this.

[Anonymous]

OP do get your DH involved when you talk to him. This needs to be presented as a united front.

[Anonymous]

Sure he is lying but so is OP. If she saw his texts and knew what was happening, why didn't she confront him then? Instead she is being a drama queen stalking the friend's house at 3 in the morning, calling his phone when he is either sleeping or not there, and using that to fuel her drama.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I would be too upset about all this. But that is because my stellar DD fell apart the last 6 months b4 she went to college. I almost did not let her go (to college). Everything is relative.

That said, lying is not acceptable.

But maybe he is in love with this girlfriend? Love makes us all do crazy things.

OP I agree with the PP that said as soon as you knew this was his plan (the deceit) you should have called him out on it. I am kind of questioning if the mix-up with you receiving his texts was not you simply choosing to spy on him. Easy to do if he is on your apple ID.

I must admit I did think the idea of driving your/his car home without telling him struck me as kind of funny and something I would like to think I would do.

I would not ground him as I am pretty sure that is not the most effective punishment. He may choose to rebel against that and then where would you be?

I'd pull the car for a bit and maybe the phone.

Tread easy OP as a kid can go from great to horrible pretty darn quick.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Lying is THE problem. I assume that you own both the car and the phone. I would be taking both of those today.

I don't agree with the posters who say he is almost an adult. The fact is--he is not an adult. The magic age of 18 doesn't give him the right to take, take, take from you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17 year old is almost an adult. You need to start backing off and allowing him more autonomy or he will have no choice but to lie to you.

It is time to start thinking about how you want to relate to him as an adult.

With a 16 year old girl whose parents disapprove? Op’s Son is setting himself up for a discussion in a police station and a sex offender label.

Put aside the disobeying parents (very bad) and springing the night with a GF (I would say no to a minor who lived under my roof) and the general sneaking around. OP’s son is setting himself up to be accused of ... rape, statutory rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment if the girls mom and dad find out. Especially if she tries to weasel out of responsibility and consequences by lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I came home. I will taken the car keys and his card for lying and ignoring texts for 2 weeks and I will ground him for NYE.

This is just one of many things he’s done in the past 6 months that have confounded us and this is not the worst. I want to maintain my relationship with him but it’s not too late to teach him to respect rules while he’s under our roof and while we will be paying almost $60k per year in tuition (plus goodness knows for room and board and living) for the next 4 years for him plus whatever post grad will be. I think he’s had life too easy.
It’s sad because he really has been such a good boy until now and an excellent scholar. I don’t know what’s become of him but it’s not good. He just does not seem to care about anything anymore. It’s so unlike him that I just don’t know how to deal with it. How do you start imposing consequences at 17?
I don’t know. I know I sound over emotional but the extent to which his behavior has changed, even though it may not seem that terrible to most people (no drugs and such) , is really marked.

Obviously, I don't know anything about your exact circumstances, but at least some of this is normal. Children preparing to leave the nest are full of emotions, and creating conflict eases the separation. Plus, it sounds like he's already been admitted to college so the academic pressure likely has abated somewhat. Not that you should take lying lightly (I probably would have used the spare key to drive his car home as one previous poster suggested and definitely ground him for NYE), but it sounds like you have done a good job parenting this child.

[Anonymous]

Nothing but sympathy for you, OP. My DS is 16 and my DD is 15. I know this is where I'm headed based on behaviors we've seen recently. I don't think you're overreacting. It's the lying and scheming that's so very trust-busting. I'd also worry about the GF getting pregnant. I recognize teenagers will have sex and hope, if my kids will be doing it, that they take full precautions. Is the GF? Is your DS? I'd have a very frank discussion with him about that as well.

I do like the idea of getting the extra set of keys and driving his car home.

Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. Not sure what I would do in this case.

My DH is saying he would get the spare keys to DS's car, drive it home and talk to DS in the morning.

This is a good one! Make him freak out that his car got stolen or something and force him to have to fess up. Then ground him. Yes he'll be going to college but while under my roof, my rules. And lying will have consequences.

[Anonymous]

You and/or your husband need to have a frank discussion about birth control with your son, if you haven't already. An unplanned pregnancy would really derail his life plans, and once she's pregnant he (rightly) does not get to decide what happens next.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing.

But, you need to get your emotions in check. What he did was completely normal behavior for 17 year olds. Not saying that you shouldn’t punish him but stop acting like this is a huge deal and he’s a failure and you failed as a mother and all that BS that’s going through your head.

I’m impressed he gave it the old college try. But yeah he got caught so he gets punished

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure he is lying but so is OP. If she saw his texts and knew what was happening, why didn't she confront him then? Instead she is being a drama queen stalking the friend's house at 3 in the morning, calling his phone when he is either sleeping or not there, and using that to fuel her drama.

This. And Dad is sleeping ?!?! -- so I think we are not even close to getting the full story.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you call his parents as soon as you knew?

I have both girls and boys, and I would have wanted to know of such a plan.

It’s not the sexual activity that bothers me if they use protection, BTW. It’s the lies and the fact that these parents are not even aware it’s happening. Please phone.