How do resolve - husband I disagree over childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I hate when people make this sort of unhelpful comment, but what on earth made you decide to have a second if you feel so incapable?

I'm not sure why you have to be so rude. But to answer your question, DH really wanted a second (hoping for a son) and pressured me into it sooner than I would have wanted. Luckily our baby is a boy.

Get thee to a marriage counselor, or an individual therapist, you’re choice. You sound really resentful toward your husband and this baby, which is not a promising situation. Whatever the reasons, you chose to have this baby. Do not use him as a weapon against your husband.

A therapist isn’t going to force The DH to work or solve the issue of a second baby on the way. Talking about the problems won’t solve a thing.

[Anonymous]

You don't need 24/7 care you need a divorce. He's an ass and you shouldn't have had another baby with him. Guess the money must be worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

No it won’t.

I doubt she’d be able to get a job anywhere near his salary. He would still be the breadwinner and would do zero around the house. She’d be working and doing everything house/kid related, just like before.

This is delusional thinking.

It will equalize things because she will be participating in the formal labor market, instead of just stuck at home being her DH's unpaid domestic labor. It will likely be more tiring than SAH, but that's the trade off. It will prepare OP for a likely divorce/separation. It will also give her grounds to insist on household help and more participation by her DH, unless he is a total ass (which he may be). I have a useless DH who doesn't even do me the courtesy of earning $775k/year, and it would be much, much worse if I didn't have my own adult life outside of the house. At least with me going to work, he knows that he has to help somewhat with drop-off and sick days. What OP's situation does do is give her the luxury of SAH until the kids are out of the baby stage.

You are clueless. A guy like the OPs husband is not going to help with childcare. If she gets a 75K or even 100K job, and asks for help with sick days, he’ll just say “You can quit if it’s too hard - I have to get back to work now, bye.”

She would get more child support and spousal support than she could earn right now. It’s stupid to add even more on her plate when she’s already stressed about the new baby. You really don’t understand the dynamics when one spouse drastically out earns the other. You’re also very condescending, just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an adult life outside of the house. You have a nasty attitude all around, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guess what, for all of human history women have had help when they had babies. Even 24/7 help! The idea of doing is solo is an American concept born out of our puritanical and pioneer heritage. As we speak women all over the world have help with their newborns and older kids. Yet we look down on that here because we're conditioned to, and because childcare is so expensive it's a luxury. It's expensive because on top of this we don't value women's labor in this country.

Do it and don't give it a second thought. There's no prize for being sleep deprived despite what some martyrs would have you think. You will be a better and more present mom when you're well rested and have help.

+1
I am Indian and my parents moved here for 6 months to help when I had my baby. In-laws came once they left. All of their own volition. I work full time and baby now goes to daycare but it is so helpful to have extra helping hands at home.

[Anonymous]

I think you are just used to a rich lifestyle of having someone else do all the work at home and your husband is getting annoyed. He does work himself all day and so the idea that you can't look after the kids and need to outsource childcare despite being at home is frustrating.

99% of parents at home with their kids don't have nannies or night nurses to provide the child care while they come and go as they please.

I think this is a difference in values more than anything. You say your husband works 10-12 hours a day and that work is the financial income you live off of but you don't seem to really want to contribute anything back to the household. You want a carefree life of leisure while others are paid to do all the work. I doubt you cook or clean or do much around the house either - likely that is all outsourced as well.

Are you much younger than your DH? Did you see marrying him and his money as a golden ticket to a life of no work?

Since you don't want to look after the kids, you should get a job and use that money to pay the childcare costs.

[Anonymous]

That HHI is really not all that remarkable OP. I’d balk at paying for 24/7 care as well. You have to save for college and retirement. What if DH changes jobs? Save your $ and grow up a bit and take care of the children. Or, get a job.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like another troll to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like another troll to me.

Probably not. Like most of us, you just don’t understand rich people problems

[Anonymous]

24/7 sahm with a night nurse. Honestly why bother having a second?

[Anonymous]

Get a job on weekends now to cover the cost of bringing someone in. He can look after the toddler while you work.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll. Nobody I know at this earning level bats an eye at hiring help with a new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

No it won’t.

I doubt she’d be able to get a job anywhere near his salary. He would still be the breadwinner and would do zero around the house. She’d be working and doing everything house/kid related, just like before.

This is delusional thinking.

It will equalize things because she will be participating in the formal labor market, instead of just stuck at home being her DH's unpaid domestic labor. It will likely be more tiring than SAH, but that's the trade off. It will prepare OP for a likely divorce/separation. It will also give her grounds to insist on household help and more participation by her DH, unless he is a total ass (which he may be). I have a useless DH who doesn't even do me the courtesy of earning $775k/year, and it would be much, much worse if I didn't have my own adult life outside of the house. At least with me going to work, he knows that he has to help somewhat with drop-off and sick days. What OP's situation does do is give her the luxury of SAH until the kids are out of the baby stage.

You are clueless. A guy like the OPs husband is not going to help with childcare. If she gets a 75K or even 100K job, and asks for help with sick days, he’ll just say “You can quit if it’s too hard - I have to get back to work now, bye.”

She would get more child support and spousal support than she could earn right now. It’s stupid to add even more on her plate when she’s already stressed about the new baby. You really don’t understand the dynamics when one spouse drastically out earns the other. You’re also very condescending, just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an adult life outside of the house. You have a nasty attitude all around, PP.

Yep, this isn't a guy who is going to start taking on kid duty when she gets a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normally I hate when people make this sort of unhelpful comment, but what on earth made you decide to have a second if you feel so incapable?

I'm not sure why you have to be so rude. But to answer your question, DH really wanted a second (hoping for a son) and pressured me into it sooner than I would have wanted. Luckily our baby is a boy.

Get thee to a marriage counselor, or an individual therapist, you’re choice. You sound really resentful toward your husband and this baby, which is not a promising situation. Whatever the reasons, you chose to have this baby. Do not use him as a weapon against your husband.

A therapist isn’t going to force The DH to work or solve the issue of a second baby on the way. Talking about the problems won’t solve a thing.

Then I guess OP should get a divorce and relinquish custody of the second kid she doesn’t want to her DH.

[Anonymous]

This is too ridiculous for words. You don’t need 24/7 help to care for two children. I don’t care how much money you have. Totally team DH. It sounds like he wants you to step up and contribute something if you are going to continue to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help, get couples counseling, and plan to go back to work when the new baby is in preschool. Going back to work will equalize things between you and your DH.

No it won’t.

I doubt she’d be able to get a job anywhere near his salary. He would still be the breadwinner and would do zero around the house. She’d be working and doing everything house/kid related, just like before.

This is delusional thinking.

It will equalize things because she will be participating in the formal labor market, instead of just stuck at home being her DH's unpaid domestic labor. It will likely be more tiring than SAH, but that's the trade off. It will prepare OP for a likely divorce/separation. It will also give her grounds to insist on household help and more participation by her DH, unless he is a total ass (which he may be). I have a useless DH who doesn't even do me the courtesy of earning $775k/year, and it would be much, much worse if I didn't have my own adult life outside of the house. At least with me going to work, he knows that he has to help somewhat with drop-off and sick days. What OP's situation does do is give her the luxury of SAH until the kids are out of the baby stage.

You are clueless. A guy like the OPs husband is not going to help with childcare. If she gets a 75K or even 100K job, and asks for help with sick days, he’ll just say “You can quit if it’s too hard - I have to get back to work now, bye.”

She would get more child support and spousal support than she could earn right now. It’s stupid to add even more on her plate when she’s already stressed about the new baby. You really don’t understand the dynamics when one spouse drastically out earns the other. You’re also very condescending, just because she’s a SAHM doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an adult life outside of the house. You have a nasty attitude all around, PP.

Yep, this isn't a guy who is going to start taking on kid duty when she gets a job.

Maybe not, but it would give OP more clear boundaries about needing child and household care, since she would not be available to do it 24/7. Plus having a job could give her more confidence, and obviously set her up to be able to earn a living if they divorce.