Self-Centerdness and the Elderly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone found a strategy to convince elderly parents to take psych meds? One poster mentioned that meds helped their parent with frontotemporal dementia - but how did this poster get the parent to agree to see the psychiatrist and take the meds?

The doctor uses the medical name, not the recognizable name and says it is just a trace amount to help take the edge off when really they are just starting with the normal smaller dose to work their way up. Basically the doctor convinces them due to circumstances anyone needs it but assures them they are not one of those crazies. The problems come when they skip doses or decide they are fine and go off. I also could not believe my parents didn't notice a difference on it because there was a world of difference.

[Anonymous]

My mom is almost 72 so not too elderly but she has lost all filters and spews hurtful, racist, dramatic, ridiculous and outright stupid stuff all day.

Just today we went grocery shopping and because I parked 3 spaces over from the middle of the aisle in the parking lot she harangued me for parking so far away. It’s a difference of only 3 spaces and there were no other open spots, certainly none in the middle. I just can’t win

Her behavior makes it difficult for my family and my sister’s family to enjoy being around her but she gets so upset if we don’t spend lots of time with her.

She’s on anti anxiety medication but routinely decides to not take it because it messes with her dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is almost 72 so not too elderly but she has lost all filters and spews hurtful, racist, dramatic, ridiculous and outright stupid stuff all day.

Just today we went grocery shopping and because I parked 3 spaces over from the middle of the aisle in the parking lot she harangued me for parking so far away. It’s a difference of only 3 spaces and there were no other open spots, certainly none in the middle. I just can’t win

Her behavior makes it difficult for my family and my sister’s family to enjoy being around her but she gets so upset if we don’t spend lots of time with her.

She’s on anti anxiety medication but routinely decides to not take it because it messes with her dreams.

Do we have the same mom? Mine is a little older, but she drive you crazy about how you drive how and where you park and everything. She spews hateful things and wonders why friends turn away. She is also on anti-anxiety meds and decided she doesn't need them anymore and then keeps turning into a tantrumming tyrant. Maybe we should get our moms together for coffee and hope they don't end up throwing coffee at eachother and ranting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad completely lost his filter, among other signs of dementia. Turns out he had frontotemporal dementia. No amount of correction or boundaries was going to undo that. He had a geriatric psychiatrist who was really helpful in getting him medicated enough to be a reasonably pleasant person (mostly) without the enraged outbursts. So consider that this may be a disease and not just the person trying to torture you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frontotemporal_dementia

Well said. A few of the posts show that the posters don't really have a good understanding of dementia and that they should be more compassionate and understanding with their loved one.

But it's extremely hard to be "compassionate and understanding" with a relative who is racist and has no filter when there are inter-racial couples in the family, etc. That is our situation. How exactly do you tell your husband he has to put up with your dad's racist remarks "because he's old." I also remember my grandfather being incredibly sexist as he aged and wondering why my parents didn't stand up and defend their daughters when grandpa said things like sending us to college was a waste of money. When you tell the other person to just suck it up, you're telling them that they don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty rough. Some were fairly ornery to begin with and age just enhances that. Some of it is mental decline too, and frustration at the loss of independence. I see a big difference between my Grandparents and DH's. His Grandma is almost 95, and if she still had the physical ability would be completely self sufficient. My Grandma was in assisted living and very unhappy by 85.

If you can, set a schedule to be available. Run their errands with yours.

Not the poster you are referring to, but at least with my elderly parent, it's not about the errands. It's about control. There is no interest in being convenient, it's about making someone jump when you say jump and throwing a tantrum when they don't.

+1 they know they are losing control and may or may not be seeing or hearing things clearly (because they are too stubborn to get hearing aides or better glasses) so they are slightly paranoid and CLUTCH to what little control they think they have.

Like a toddler when they learn how to say “no”

[/b]So over this[b]!

It ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad completely lost his filter, among other signs of dementia. Turns out he had frontotemporal dementia. No amount of correction or boundaries was going to undo that. He had a geriatric psychiatrist who was really helpful in getting him medicated enough to be a reasonably pleasant person (mostly) without the enraged outbursts. So consider that this may be a disease and not just the person trying to torture you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frontotemporal_dementia

Well said. A few of the posts show that the posters don't really have a good understanding of dementia and that they should be more compassionate and understanding with their loved one.

But it's extremely hard to be "compassionate and understanding" with a relative who is racist and has no filter when there are inter-racial couples in the family, etc. That is our situation. How exactly do you tell your husband he has to put up with your dad's racist remarks "because he's old." I also remember my grandfather being incredibly sexist as he aged and wondering why my parents didn't stand up and defend their daughters when grandpa said things like sending us to college was a waste of money. When you tell the other person to just suck it up, you're telling them that they don't matter.

Acknowledging that an elderly person may be, or is in mental decline shouldn't tell someone they don't matter.

It isn't just that they are old. Sometimes their brain doesn't function as it should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad completely lost his filter, among other signs of dementia. Turns out he had frontotemporal dementia. No amount of correction or boundaries was going to undo that. He had a geriatric psychiatrist who was really helpful in getting him medicated enough to be a reasonably pleasant person (mostly) without the enraged outbursts. So consider that this may be a disease and not just the person trying to torture you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frontotemporal_dementia

Well said. A few of the posts show that the posters don't really have a good understanding of dementia and that they should be more compassionate and understanding with their loved one.

But it's extremely hard to be "compassionate and understanding" with a relative who is racist and has no filter when there are inter-racial couples in the family, etc. That is our situation. How exactly do you tell your husband he has to put up with your dad's racist remarks "because he's old." I also remember my grandfather being incredibly sexist as he aged and wondering why my parents didn't stand up and defend their daughters when grandpa said things like sending us to college was a waste of money. When you tell the other person to just suck it up, you're telling them that they don't matter.

Acknowledging that an elderly person may be, or is in mental decline shouldn't tell someone they don't matter.

It isn't just that they are old. Sometimes their brain doesn't function as it should.

There are some truly miserable elderly people. Nobody likes them, not even the other residents in the retirement facility. I truly feel for their family members because you know darned well those visits are difficult and completely thankless chores. I think that the really difficult, mean, nasty older people were always difficult/mean/nasty they just had more of a filter when they were younger.

My own parent is still sweet although her transition into her retirement facility was draining, I will not lie. It was a huge sacrifice and a major upheaval for her to sell her home and downsize. She has come to appreciate the activities and friends in her retirement community. A large part of the adjustment stress came from not really having thought through what she wanted/where she wanted to be at this stage in her life. But it's hard to know exactly what "this stage of life" is going to mean for you...and that's the dilemma.

I've known people who were still mowing their own lawns and climbing ladders to get the leaves out of their gutters when they were in their 80's. I've known people in their mid/late 80's who were still going into the office every day or doing childcare/dog sitting on the side. I've seen other 70 or 80 year old people in dementia wards. 70 could mean traveling the world, watching grandchildren grow up or it could mean having a limb amputated. How do you know where you will be at that age? Certainly a healthy, engaged, active senior citizen is going to want and need different things than a senior with major health issues will want/need.

The one thing that I have learned is - don't get attached to stuff. Take the time to pare down and organize your closets when it isn't an emergency for you to do so. Get your will/trust(s)/power of attorneys taken care of. Get your ducks in a row and start to think about where you would like to be when you can no longer drive at night or you might benefit from a transportation service of some kind. Do your kids a favor and do your own research. Take some time to think this stuff through. Get a long term care policy and set aside some rainy day funds aside that you do not touch. Nobody ever pictures themselves as being "that" kind of old person but if you live long enough you will be. Plan now.

[Anonymous]

I witnessed my maternal grandparents age in a way I hope to do one day. They were active, engaged and positive. Every school break, they took care of me while my parents worked. When my mom had a medical emergency, my grandma dropped everything and stayed with us to help out. My grandfather died in his sleep in his chair..
Anyway, fast forward, my parents have never really helped out with my children and seem to be tone death to today's demands on working parents. I have gone through a divorce and my parents act as if it never happened. We are not close emotionally.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer recently and I feel numb, certainly not willing to drop my own life to help her. I feel guilty and conflicted but I also feel that they dropped the rope on family support a long time ago even though they benefitted from the previous generation greatly. So I try to be detached as much as I can.
Some of your stories here about abusive and racist parents, I would totally walk out on that person and let them fend for themselves but this is based on my experience with my parents from when they were in a position to help but chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Did you know you are going to be the exact same way? No matter how you think you aren't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you know you are going to be the exact same way? No matter how you think you aren't?

No.

[Anonymous]

Guess again.

[Anonymous]

my parents are early 70's and semi-retired and as their world has gotten smaller, do think it revolves around them. they're kind and generous and loving when it suits them, so I try to enjoy that, and try to help broaden their empathy muscles when I can. Yes, my children are loud. Children are that way. I'll take them out of your home for an activity so they can blow off some steam so they can come back and sit and quietly play board games with you for the half-hour you have the attention span for. It's tough to see them decline, and tough to see it impact their relationship with my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you know you are going to be the exact same way? No matter how you think you aren't?

That doesn't make sense because the maternal grandparent was close and helpful and yet the mother wasn't. They were the opposite. So what then makes you think that this poster will be like her mother?

She is already thinking like her grandmother, so she will be more likely to be that way. I'm sure she will have a close and helpful relationship with her own children just as she believes and hopes she will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it more like the lack of filters was gone. Whatever popped into my moms head, she said. Same is now happening with my MIL. Problem is so much is so negative and inappropriate and sometimes racist.

Nothing like an elderly parent with hearing aides and no filter who is racist. They spew the racism loudly in a public place and can't even hear how loud and horrible they are.

It's even better when they are in assisted living and most of the caregivers are non-white.

You got some situation there PP.

[Anonymous]

I'm lucky that my mom was a helpful grandmother to my kids and that they benefited greatly from having her in their lives. We saw Mom on a regular basis and we had lots of fun going places with her - to the mall, the playground, Mount Vernon, etc. She had toys in her basement and snacks in the pantry, so Grandma's house was a fun place to visit and a warm, safe haven for my kids.

She did not do overnights, she didn't take them to the doctor or take care of them when they were sick. She didn't attend school conferences. She didn't have to discipline them. The work of raising the kids was always on dh and me, as I felt it should be. Grandma was there to have fun and she liked going places and doing stuff with us. She loved treating us to lunch and it was a nice treat for us to go to restaurants with her. Everything about Grandma's relationship with her grandchildren was fun, pleasant and a joy. It was a fun time of life.

At any rate, Mom is now older and has downsized into a retirement community. We still drop by to see her and take her out. She has tons of friends in her new community and she keeps busy. My kids are busy, older teenagers now with lots going on in their lives. They still see their grandma regularly but they are becoming independent young adults with responsibilities of their own. This is the time for them to spread their wings....they'll be leaving the nest before I know it and they'll be needing to build their own nests soon. I hope to be the same type of grandma to my own grandchildren that my mother was able to be to her grandchildren.

There are very few things in life so worth doing in my mind.





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