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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dad completely lost his filter, among other signs of dementia.  Turns out he had frontotemporal dementia.  No amount of correction or boundaries was going to undo that.  He had a geriatric psychiatrist who was really helpful in getting him medicated enough to be a reasonably pleasant person (mostly) without the enraged outbursts.  [b]So consider that this may be a disease and not just the person trying to torture you. 
[/b]
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frontotemporal_dementia
[/quote]

Well said.  A few of the posts show that the posters don't really have a good understanding of dementia and that they should be more compassionate and understanding with their loved one.[/quote]

But it's extremely hard to be "compassionate and understanding" with a relative who is racist and has no filter when there are inter-racial couples in the family, etc.  That is our situation.  How exactly do you tell your husband he has to put up with your dad's racist remarks "because he's old."  I also remember my grandfather being incredibly sexist as he aged and wondering why my parents didn't stand up and defend their daughters when grandpa said things like sending us to college was a waste of money.  [b]When you tell the other person to just suck it up, you're telling them that they don't matter.[/b][/quote]

Acknowledging that an elderly person may be, or is in mental decline shouldn't tell someone they don't matter.

It isn't just that they are old.  Sometimes their brain doesn't function as it should.[/quote]

There are some truly miserable elderly people.  Nobody likes them, not even the other residents in the retirement facility.  I truly feel for their family members because you know darned well those visits are difficult and completely thankless chores.  I think that the really difficult, mean, nasty older people were always difficult/mean/nasty they just had more of a filter when they were younger.

My own parent is still sweet although her transition into her retirement facility was draining, I will not lie. It was a huge sacrifice and a major upheaval for her to sell her home and downsize. She has come to appreciate the activities and friends in her retirement community.  A large part of the adjustment stress came from not really having thought through what she wanted/where she wanted to be at this stage in her life.  But it's hard to know exactly what "this stage of life" is going to mean for you...and that's the dilemma.

I've known people who were still mowing their own lawns and climbing ladders to get the leaves out of their gutters when they were in their 80's.  I've known people in their mid/late 80's who were still going into the office every day or doing childcare/dog sitting on the side.  I've seen other 70 or 80 year old people in dementia wards. 70 could mean traveling the world, watching grandchildren grow up or it could mean having a limb amputated.  How do you know where you will be at that age?  Certainly a healthy, engaged, active senior citizen is going to want and need different things than a senior with major health issues will want/need.

The one thing that I have learned is - don't get attached to stuff.  Take the time to pare down and organize your closets when it isn't an emergency for you to do so.  Get your will/trust(s)/power of attorneys taken care of.  Get your ducks in a row and start to think about where you would like to be when you can no longer drive at night or you might benefit from a transportation service of some kind.  Do your kids a favor and do your own research.  Take some time to think this stuff through.  Get a long term care policy and set aside some rainy day funds aside that you do not touch.  Nobody ever pictures themselves as being "that" kind of old person but if you live long enough you will be.  Plan now.[/quote]

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