Self-Centerdness and the Elderly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found it more like the lack of filters was gone. Whatever popped into my moms head, she said. Same is now happening with my MIL. Problem is so much is so negative and inappropriate and sometimes racist.

Yes! Same here. But what do you do about it? My kids are 2 and 4 and I don't want to leave them around their grandparents unsupervised because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it more like the lack of filters was gone. Whatever popped into my moms head, she said. Same is now happening with my MIL. Problem is so much is so negative and inappropriate and sometimes racist.

Yes! Same here. But what do you do about it? My kids are 2 and 4 and I don't want to leave them around their grandparents unsupervised because of this.

You can't. That's the simple answer. They have to be supervised.

I don't think any reasonable grandparent looks forward to developing into someone that nobody wants to be around, but it happens. Being human really sucks sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I just want to say thank you for sharing these stories and keep them coming. I feel less crazy and more like I have a group (of strangers) who totally get it. I was fully prepared for someone to come on here and accuse me of disrespecting elders for complaining when they act horribly.

Please continue...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's pretty rough. Some were fairly ornery to begin with and age just enhances that. Some of it is mental decline too, and frustration at the loss of independence. I see a big difference between my Grandparents and DH's. His Grandma is almost 95, and if she still had the physical ability would be completely self sufficient. My Grandma was in assisted living and very unhappy by 85.

If you can, set a schedule to be available. Run their errands with yours.

Not the poster you are referring to, but at least with my elderly parent, it's not about the errands. It's about control. There is no interest in being convenient, it's about making someone jump when you say jump and throwing a tantrum when they don't.

+1 they know they are losing control and may or may not be seeing or hearing things clearly (because they are too stubborn to get hearing aides or better glasses) so they are slightly paranoid and CLUTCH to what little control they think they have.

Like a toddler when they learn how to say “no”

So over this!

[Anonymous]

This happened with my parents too. It so hard especially when you have your own kids and job. If you put yourself in the old persons shoes you'd likely be nasty too. First of all they are in pain, tired, on meds, not getting exercise or much fun. They are basically on death row and feel angry, scared, helpless, depressed, disconnected, dealing with a lot of personal losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened with my parents too. It so hard especially when you have your own kids and job. If you put yourself in the old persons shoes you'd likely be nasty too. First of all they are in pain, tired, on meds, not getting exercise or much fun. They are basically on death row and feel angry, scared, helpless, depressed, disconnected, dealing with a lot of personal losses.

My plan is to make sure I am well medicated! I don't ever want to turn into a nasty and hateful person no matter how old, uncomfortable and scared I get. Life is really too short by then to be cruel and I hope I will recall what this behavior did to me as I tried to balance everything.

[Anonymous]

I just spent the weekend with my teen. I am late middle-age/early elderly (60's). They are extremely self-centered. People just accept it from young people, but grow impatient with old people.

Maybe elderly parents feel they have earned some care-taking, after a lifetime of giving to their children??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just spent the weekend with my teen. I am late middle-age/early elderly (60's). They are extremely self-centered. People just accept it from young people, but grow impatient with old people.

Maybe elderly parents feel they have earned some care-taking, after a lifetime of giving to their children??

x1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened with my parents too. It so hard especially when you have your own kids and job. If you put yourself in the old persons shoes you'd likely be nasty too. First of all they are in pain, tired, on meds, not getting exercise or much fun. They are basically on death row and feel angry, scared, helpless, depressed, disconnected, dealing with a lot of personal losses.

Actually it doesn't happen to all elderly people. My Grandmother who lived to 97 was still very positive and involved in everyday topics. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone. As she lay dying in hospital and in pain, the only thing she said to me was that I was such a good girl for coming to see her, thank you and God Bless to me. Same as my Grandfather who lived to 78.

My other Grandfather was an old grouch but then he was for most of his mid to older years.

Life wears some people down, some people were always a little bit negative, some people don't age well.

I think people have more empathy for teenagers because they are young and haven't been through life whereas older people have. They know that life gets busy but they don't consider anyone else, they make so many demands and they aren't appreciate of things that are done for them. If someone has dementia then that is part of the disease and can't be helped, however it seems that if a person was a glass half empty kind of person that that will be exacerbated in later years.

There are so many options for elderly people. They can still make an effort but some of them choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just spent the weekend with my teen. I am late middle-age/early elderly (60's). They are extremely self-centered. People just accept it from young people, but grow impatient with old people.

Maybe elderly parents feel they have earned some care-taking, after a lifetime of giving to their children??

My teen and tween are respectful and I don't accept attitude from them. When I call mom on her nasty behavior or walk out the door it sets off a crazed tirade whereas my tween and teen shape up. Much different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it more like the lack of filters was gone. Whatever popped into my moms head, she said. Same is now happening with my MIL. Problem is so much is so negative and inappropriate and sometimes racist.

Nothing like an elderly parent with hearing aides and no filter who is racist. They spew the racism loudly in a public place and can't even hear how loud and horrible they are.

It's even better when they are in assisted living and most of the caregivers are non-white.

Or in hospital, my MIL said very loudly how dirty and useless the black nurses are, ok stupid considering they are the ones looking after you. Or the poor tea ladies that come in and she grunts at them that she wants coffee and then she doesn't even say thank you, just ignores them. They look so unimpressed by her.

I say thank you to them and smile, which they seem to appreciate.

I don't know what happens to their filters but this general attitude of not caring what others think can border on being cruel to others and this is probably why people have less tolerance to it. Getting old doesn't excuse you for everything.

I think in general though my MIL has always been slightly nasty, in her older years it is just more pronounced.

[Anonymous]

But teens have so much going for them, and old people just have loss to look forward to. If it is not the loss of friends and loved ones, it is their failing ability to hear, see or walk. And they are suddenly dependent upon whoever deigns to help him (or is paid to help them). I marvel at old people who find a way to keep their spirits up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But teens have so much going for them, and old people just have loss to look forward to. If it is not the loss of friends and loved ones, it is their failing ability to hear, see or walk. And they are suddenly dependent upon whoever deigns to help him (or is paid to help them). I marvel at old people who find a way to keep their spirits up.

This is true, and I try to be generous with my time but I think as people age, they become less aware of time pressures on the people around them. They don’t care if an errand takes all day because they have nothing on their agenda, but their caregivers are often juggling multiple tasks in a limited amount of time. I know seniors don’t like losing their independence, but showing some understanding that we have jobs, kids, and maybe health issues of our own would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But teens have so much going for them, and old people just have loss to look forward to. If it is not the loss of friends and loved ones, it is their failing ability to hear, see or walk. And they are suddenly dependent upon whoever deigns to help him (or is paid to help them). I marvel at old people who find a way to keep their spirits up.

This is true, and I try to be generous with my time but I think as people age, they become less aware of time pressures on the people around them. They don’t care if an errand takes all day because they have nothing on their agenda, but their caregivers are often juggling multiple tasks in a limited amount of time. I know seniors don’t like losing their independence, but showing some understanding that we have jobs, kids, and maybe health issues of our own would be appreciated.

Maybe they should be required to take a class to set them straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it more like the lack of filters was gone. Whatever popped into my moms head, she said. Same is now happening with my MIL. Problem is so much is so negative and inappropriate and sometimes racist.

Yes! Same here. But what do you do about it? My kids are 2 and 4 and I don't want to leave them around their grandparents unsupervised because of this.

When I was growing up my grandfather had long since lost his filter and just let it rip on any subject. My parents tried to explain that to us, but in reality we LOVED having Grandaddy over, we were astonished at what came out of his mouth, and I remember laughing so hard with my cousins at dinner. I learned all my creative cussing from him.