Self-Centerdness and the Elderly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned this in another thread, it is off the charts with my mom, especially during the last year, and it has been MOD for FIL for decades now, but not sure that is elderly, he is now elderly so it is even worse! Imagine a guy who has to have everything his way or he throws a tantrum, since he was 50, when I met him basically. He is unbearable, he will come in to see and and yell that he has to eat now and where, and let's go! I mean, he just drove here, why didn't he eat? My mom acted like a douche toddler during her last visit here. "I need watermelon and I need it now." "Mom, there is watermelon in the fridge." "But, it is almost gone and you need to go and buy it right away." Or, "it is clear that you are raising my blood sugar and wishing me to die, since you didn't buy any blueberries."

Sounds terrible. I wonder if there are underlying mental health issues apart from being elderly? I only ask because my elderly parents and in-laws are pleasant people who really don't ask us to do anything, and are pretty self-aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened with my parents too. It so hard especially when you have your own kids and job. If you put yourself in the old persons shoes you'd likely be nasty too. First of all they are in pain, tired, on meds, not getting exercise or much fun. They are basically on death row and feel angry, scared, helpless, depressed, disconnected, dealing with a lot of personal losses.

My plan is to make sure I am well medicated! I don't ever want to turn into a nasty and hateful person no matter how old, uncomfortable and scared I get. Life is really too short by then to be cruel and I hope I will recall what this behavior did to me as I tried to balance everything.

I get the sense that sometimes it's the medication that makes them cranky? I wish there were some daily test people could do to detect crankiness and make people aware. Self-awareness seems so lacking. I am 50 and truly pray I do not end up like this. I am going to tell my daughters to ignore me if I'm a brat. My husband and I have enough savings that we plan to never burden our daughters, and if our personalities change, I'll tell them not to feel guilty and to just ignore us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened with my parents too. It so hard especially when you have your own kids and job. If you put yourself in the old persons shoes you'd likely be nasty too. First of all they are in pain, tired, on meds, not getting exercise or much fun. They are basically on death row and feel angry, scared, helpless, depressed, disconnected, dealing with a lot of personal losses.

Actually it doesn't happen to all elderly people. My Grandmother who lived to 97 was still very positive and involved in everyday topics. I never heard her say a bad word about anyone. As she lay dying in hospital and in pain, the only thing she said to me was that I was such a good girl for coming to see her, thank you and God Bless to me. Same as my Grandfather who lived to 78.

My other Grandfather was an old grouch but then he was for most of his mid to older years.

Life wears some people down, some people were always a little bit negative, some people don't age well.

I think people have more empathy for teenagers because they are young and haven't been through life whereas older people have. They know that life gets busy but they don't consider anyone else, they make so many demands and they aren't appreciate of things that are done for them. If someone has dementia then that is part of the disease and can't be helped, however it seems that if a person was a glass half empty kind of person that that will be exacerbated in later years.

There are so many options for elderly people. They can still make an effort but some of them choose not to.

+1. So well said. People age differently, and it wears some people down more than others. Some elderly people are lovely, while others are a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My therapist says she can't get her elderly clients to change their appointment if a younger, working person needs to move theirs due to work or family responsibilities. The old folks say "I can't come at 11:30, that's when I eat my sandwich" or "that's when I cut my toenails" (the last one might be humor).

LOL. That's a fascinating anecdote. Here's my little example -- My aunt (still a great driver at 70) said she could not take my mom (age 75) to the airport (5 miles away) at 7:00 pm one evening because "that's when I take a shower."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist says she can't get her elderly clients to change their appointment if a younger, working person needs to move theirs due to work or family responsibilities. The old folks say "I can't come at 11:30, that's when I eat my sandwich" or "that's when I cut my toenails" (the last one might be humor).

LOL. That's a fascinating anecdote. Here's my little example -- My aunt (still a great driver at 70) said she could not take my mom (age 75) to the airport (5 miles away) at 7:00 pm one evening because "that's when I take a shower."

It was probably more to do with night vision on your aunt's part. She didn't want to come out and say "I'm not seeing well at night and I don't want to try and drive in all of that airport traffic during the dark." She is still more than fine to drive but she knows her limits which is actually what you want!

[Anonymous]

Not my experience with elders at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mentioned this in another thread, it is off the charts with my mom, especially during the last year, and it has been MOD for FIL for decades now, but not sure that is elderly, he is now elderly so it is even worse! Imagine a guy who has to have everything his way or he throws a tantrum, since he was 50, when I met him basically. He is unbearable, he will come in to see and and yell that he has to eat now and where, and let's go! I mean, he just drove here, why didn't he eat? My mom acted like a douche toddler during her last visit here. "I need watermelon and I need it now." "Mom, there is watermelon in the fridge." "But, it is almost gone and you need to go and buy it right away." Or, "it is clear that you are raising my blood sugar and wishing me to die, since you didn't buy any blueberries."

Sounds terrible. I wonder if there are underlying mental health issues apart from being elderly? I only ask because my elderly parents and in-laws are pleasant people who really don't ask us to do anything, and are pretty self-aware.

Thank you for your reply. You sound very kind. My dad was never like this. Nor was my MIL, she died at 49, a year after I met her.... makes you wonder. I can't imagine that she would become as bad as this. My mom was recently widowed, so I tried to excuse it and get along during her last visit. I think both my mom and FIL are depressed and angry people, in general, mom had explosive episodes when sister and I were kids. I do think there is the truth to your words, my maternal grandpa was abusive and an alcoholic, my FIL's mom died when he was young, then his stepmom died youngish too, and rather than become aware of how hard women's lives were and are, he became misogynist. He actually took his son in laws side when his own daughter decided to separate. He was diagnosed with depression by his dr and refused meds, because in his own words "it is my turn to have people put up with me...." My dad was that perfect dad and grandpa that listens, sits with kids without judgement, and took grand kids for ice cream and sport's practices and...I miss him so much! He passed away a year and a half ago. Even being in intensive care and with some dementia he would always say about my dd, then 17, "nobody bother my princess." Thank you for even replying, sometimes I feel like I am not allowed to mention my dad to my mom, lest it takes away the attention from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist says she can't get her elderly clients to change their appointment if a younger, working person needs to move theirs due to work or family responsibilities. The old folks say "I can't come at 11:30, that's when I eat my sandwich" or "that's when I cut my toenails" (the last one might be humor).

LOL. That's a fascinating anecdote. Here's my little example -- My aunt (still a great driver at 70) said she could not take my mom (age 75) to the airport (5 miles away) at 7:00 pm one evening because "that's when I take a shower."

Yep, my FIL does that. But, I think it is more about certain people. I have a friend, over in Europe, never married, no kids, had a job but not so much for the last 20 years... I was back home and my ds has a tennis lesson close to her house, she also doesn't drive...so I told her, knowing her that we will be close by for 2 hours, in the summer, come see me for coffee and a chat. She said she can't because she is washing her hair! You wonder if she would have been different is she got a job, married, had kids, or if it was her own issues that actually prevented her from getting a job, having kids, etc... I don't make much of an effort since then to see her.

[Anonymous]

I don't know...I look back at all of the pretty selfless things that my parent did for their kids - everything from flying out to help with a newborn baby, to driving for hours to help one of her kids through a couple of surgeries, to allowing her grown kids to move back in with her for months (even years) , to being her grandchildren's biggest fans and filling her basement with fun toys...never missing any event no matter how big or how small.

I look back at that and, yeah, Mom can be annoying at times but she has done her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist says she can't get her elderly clients to change their appointment if a younger, working person needs to move theirs due to work or family responsibilities. The old folks say "I can't come at 11:30, that's when I eat my sandwich" or "that's when I cut my toenails" (the last one might be humor).

LOL. That's a fascinating anecdote. Here's my little example -- My aunt (still a great driver at 70) said she could not take my mom (age 75) to the airport (5 miles away) at 7:00 pm one evening because "that's when I take a shower."

Meh, I don't expect anyone to drive me to the airport and I would much rather take uber than have a 70 year old drive me or anyone. I just don't expect people to be my chauffeur. Everyone said my parents were still great drivers in their 70s. Uh, no they weren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know...I look back at all of the pretty selfless things that my parent did for their kids - everything from flying out to help with a newborn baby, to driving for hours to help one of her kids through a couple of surgeries, to allowing her grown kids to move back in with her for months (even years) , to being her grandchildren's biggest fans and filling her basement with fun toys...never missing any event no matter how big or how small.

I look back at that and, yeah, Mom can be annoying at times but she has done her part.

Yes, your mom has done her part. Some people have parents who didn't do most of those things and still feel entitled to be verbally abusive and overly demanding. In some cases these are people sitting on piles of money and refusing to spend any of it on help because they expect their adult kids who have families and jobs to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old people are like toddlers in many ways: tantrum throwing, self centered poopy pants who are not as lovable

Fixed your sentence.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had just one more day with my now dead parents. When there are gone you will be the one at the funeral saying how awesome they were. You’re annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My therapist says she can't get her elderly clients to change their appointment if a younger, working person needs to move theirs due to work or family responsibilities. The old folks say "I can't come at 11:30, that's when I eat my sandwich" or "that's when I cut my toenails" (the last one might be humor).

LOL. That's a fascinating anecdote. Here's my little example -- My aunt (still a great driver at 70) said she could not take my mom (age 75) to the airport (5 miles away) at 7:00 pm one evening because "that's when I take a shower."

It was probably more to do with night vision on your aunt's part. She didn't want to come out and say "I'm not seeing well at night and I don't want to try and drive in all of that airport traffic during the dark." She is still more than fine to drive but she knows her limits which is actually what you want!

This is the kind of lack of cognitive flexibility I expect in my 9 year old with ADHD, but I see it in my aging parents as well. I don't get it. I guess when you don't have other people to take care of anymore, you forget how to roll with things.

[Anonymous]

Yep