Mil never wants to leave at bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Its rude. Very rude.


While I agree with the let DH handle his own relatives position when it comes to coordination, gifts etc, in this situation I would tell her to leave at 9pm. Its your house and unless DH has some compelling need to keep his mother there past 9 just say something firmly. I'd let DH know in advance that we are telling MIL that she needs to leave by 9pm. If she is not out the door at 8:45 then you tell her it is time to go. DH should be smart enough to stop chatting.

If she still dawdles and hangs around looking at her phone then cancel the next week. Tell her that you and DH need to get up early the next morning and her late night visits do not work. If she protests and says that she will leave early then tell her OK maybe the following week but not this week. She needs to feel a consequence of being rude because she doesn't seem to care.



MIL isn't the rude one!

1) Kids are rude for not minding.
2) DH is rude for not being involved with bedtime/bath time on a school night, and for not sticking to the plan (if indeed DH/OP agreed upon a certain point of departure); DH is rude for not working with OP to get on the same page.
3) OP is actually kinda rude for placing blame on MIL rather than expecting her own kids to mind/expecting DH to be an involved parent and to be a proper host and see his guest out. OP is also kinda rude for blaming her MIL for *her own damn choice* of not just putting on PJs, going to bed, relaxing, and leaving DH to deal with final clean-up and locking up after MIL. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND EAT BON-BONS ALREADY!

MIL maybe needs to pick up on some social cues, but her host (her son) is clearly fine with her staying around. Maybe she's not fully reading the room, but her host is making it clear that she's welcome to stay!

Geesh. Again, I am never on Team MIL, but she's really not the worst offender in this scenario!

No it is the responsibility of the guest to leave when the hosts say goodbye. It is the responsibility of the guest to actually leave when she says she is going to leave. The DH is trying to be polite but MIL is is being rude and take advantage to hang around longer.

If your hosts have to set up a united front and be put in an uncomfortable situation to get your ass out the door then you are being rude.

[Anonymous]

MIL is rude, . You need to get DH on board. It’s not like this is their only time to catch up for the next 6 months, they can talk for a little while and then she needs to go. Work on practical ways he can get her out the door. He can stand up, thank her for coming and say he will walk her out so he can go tuck the kids in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Its rude. Very rude.


While I agree with the let DH handle his own relatives position when it comes to coordination, gifts etc, in this situation I would tell her to leave at 9pm. Its your house and unless DH has some compelling need to keep his mother there past 9 just say something firmly. I'd let DH know in advance that we are telling MIL that she needs to leave by 9pm. If she is not out the door at 8:45 then you tell her it is time to go. DH should be smart enough to stop chatting.

If she still dawdles and hangs around looking at her phone then cancel the next week. Tell her that you and DH need to get up early the next morning and her late night visits do not work. If she protests and says that she will leave early then tell her OK maybe the following week but not this week. She needs to feel a consequence of being rude because she doesn't seem to care.



MIL isn't the rude one!

1) Kids are rude for not minding.
2) DH is rude for not being involved with bedtime/bath time on a school night, and for not sticking to the plan (if indeed DH/OP agreed upon a certain point of departure); DH is rude for not working with OP to get on the same page.
3) OP is actually kinda rude for placing blame on MIL rather than expecting her own kids to mind/expecting DH to be an involved parent and to be a proper host and see his guest out. OP is also kinda rude for blaming her MIL for *her own damn choice* of not just putting on PJs, going to bed, relaxing, and leaving DH to deal with final clean-up and locking up after MIL. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND EAT BON-BONS ALREADY!

MIL maybe needs to pick up on some social cues, but her host (her son) is clearly fine with her staying around. Maybe she's not fully reading the room, but her host is making it clear that she's welcome to stay!

Geesh. Again, I am never on Team MIL, but she's really not the worst offender in this scenario!

No it is the responsibility of the guest to leave when the hosts say goodbye. It is the responsibility of the guest to actually leave when she says she is going to leave. The DH is trying to be polite but MIL is is being rude and take advantage to hang around longer.

If your hosts have to set up a united front and be put in an uncomfortable situation to get your ass out the door then you are being rude.

The. Hosts. Are. Not. Saying. Goodbye.

OP is saying goodbye; she is then going upstairs to do bath/bed. She's not exactly walking anyone to the door. OP is only half of the hosting equation.

If DH is being "too polite" to make it clear he'd like her to leave, then that is on HIM, not her. Use your words, DH.

By OP's own admission (have you read the thread?), DH does not mind that his mom wants to stay around, and in fact enjoys chatting with her.

DH and OP need to get on the same page. But that's on them, not MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. She's staying because he wants her to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Its rude. Very rude.


While I agree with the let DH handle his own relatives position when it comes to coordination, gifts etc, in this situation I would tell her to leave at 9pm. Its your house and unless DH has some compelling need to keep his mother there past 9 just say something firmly. I'd let DH know in advance that we are telling MIL that she needs to leave by 9pm. If she is not out the door at 8:45 then you tell her it is time to go. DH should be smart enough to stop chatting.

If she still dawdles and hangs around looking at her phone then cancel the next week. Tell her that you and DH need to get up early the next morning and her late night visits do not work. If she protests and says that she will leave early then tell her OK maybe the following week but not this week. She needs to feel a consequence of being rude because she doesn't seem to care.



MIL isn't the rude one!

1) Kids are rude for not minding.
2) DH is rude for not being involved with bedtime/bath time on a school night, and for not sticking to the plan (if indeed DH/OP agreed upon a certain point of departure); DH is rude for not working with OP to get on the same page.
3) OP is actually kinda rude for placing blame on MIL rather than expecting her own kids to mind/expecting DH to be an involved parent and to be a proper host and see his guest out. OP is also kinda rude for blaming her MIL for *her own damn choice* of not just putting on PJs, going to bed, relaxing, and leaving DH to deal with final clean-up and locking up after MIL. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND EAT BON-BONS ALREADY!

MIL maybe needs to pick up on some social cues, but her host (her son) is clearly fine with her staying around. Maybe she's not fully reading the room, but her host is making it clear that she's welcome to stay!

Geesh. Again, I am never on Team MIL, but she's really not the worst offender in this scenario!

No it is the responsibility of the guest to leave when the hosts say goodbye. It is the responsibility of the guest to actually leave when she says she is going to leave. The DH is trying to be polite but MIL is is being rude and take advantage to hang around longer.

If your hosts have to set up a united front and be put in an uncomfortable situation to get your ass out the door then you are being rude.

DH doesn't say goodbye! He seems fine with chatting with his mom. From OP:
I have a tricky situation between DH and his mom. We have a long standing date that she comes every other Monday for dinner and to visit her grandchildren. I already extend bedtime to make the visit longer, but the problem is bedtime. I will tell the kids it’s time for baths and bed and have them say their goodbyes to nana, then I say my goodbyes

She never says DH says good-bye or wants his mom to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. She's staying because he wants her to.

+100. This isn't a MIL problem. The issue is inside your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

Why are you asking all of us instead of discussing this calmly with your husband? Why the post that originally blamed your MIL, even though this isn't really about her, and is about you and your husband and setting up house rules for guests on a weeknight?

Living with someone, husband or not, is about compromise. If I wanted my dad to come over for a chat, just two Mondays a month, I would be pretty upset if my husband tried to put a stop to it simply because he refused to watch tv in some other part of the house. To me, that would be overly rigid and not considerate of my wishes. But perhaps your house is smaller, with no other area to watch tv, or perhaps the walls are thin and it would make this dynamic not workable. That's fair. You should feel like you can calmly talk about this with your spouse and come up with other options. Maybe once a month, the MIL could stay past bedtime. Perhaps the other time, he could go out with his mom to dinner after a quick hello with the kids. In exchange, he could do all the kitchen clean up when he gets back, and handle bedtime another night of the week so you could catch a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tricky situation between DH and his mom. We have a long standing date that she comes every other Monday for dinner and to visit her grandchildren. I already extend bedtime to make the visit longer, but the problem is bedtime. I will tell the kids it’s time for baths and bed and have them say their goodbyes to nana, then I say my goodbyes and then we head upstairs to have showers. It always happens that when we get back out, DH is still down there talking with his mom and she hasn’t left. The kids get riled up again and want to go back downstairs to nana. She keeps saying she’s leaving, but she will sit there talking to DH or fooling around on her phone, stuff like that. I have tried starting bath earlier, so they can stay up with her, but then when it’s bed time she still doesn’t want to leave and the kids still want to go downstairs because nana is here. DH doesn’t see the issue once a week, but I’m tired too and when it’s bedtime it’s bedtime. I want to settle down too and I can’t when I’m wrangling two kids. She won’t take a hint either. If I have DH come upstairs to help me, we come back down and there she is even though she said she was heading out I don’t know what to do. Help me before she comes tonight!

I honestly don't understand your problem.

The kids should be going up and having their bedtime routine regardless of who is visiting. If they want to go back downstairs, too bad, they can't.

When done, put on your PJs and relax. It's your house. If MIL and DH want to stay late and chat, let them do it and just do your thing in another area of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

You don’t let MIL see you without makeup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

What's stopping you? I sincerely don't understand the problem?

[Anonymous]

“Hey babe, I’d like to come down and have some tea in the living room in my PJs after I get the kids to bed and I don’t really like doing that while your mom is here. If you and she are going to hang out past nine could you please find another place to do it?”

I’m not usually a “it’s obvious you hate your MIL” poster but...you sure come off like you hate your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Rude MILs have found the thread. OP -ignore the rude posters who say you shouldn't think this is a problem.

Guests who don't leave are no longer welcomed guests IMO.

Next time, have DH get the kids to bed and you shuffle MIL out the door. I have a few relatives like this and we actually no longer invite them over to dinner. Everyone has said good bye, everyone else has left, they have said they are leaving and yet they start in on yet another conversation.

Do not let her start another conversation. Whatever she says, you simply push off - we can talk about that later or we'll call you next week. When she mentions Oh I forgot to tell you about Uncle BoBo's back problems you just say we need to turn in for the night, another time. Keep avoiding the trap.

When she says she is going, say great I will walk you tp the door walk toward the door.

Chances are that she will act surprised because she will notice that she isn't getting to stay which is what she wants. You just repeat we need to close up for the night, its late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

Why can't you ask DH to move his mother to another room to finish their chat, and you sit in the living room and watch TV? Maybe that will create a natural routine for you and DH to gently nudge MIL out of the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rude MILs have found the thread. OP -ignore the rude posters who say you shouldn't think this is a problem.

Guests who don't leave are no longer welcomed guests IMO.

Next time, have DH get the kids to bed and you shuffle MIL out the door. I have a few relatives like this and we actually no longer invite them over to dinner. Everyone has said good bye, everyone else has left, they have said they are leaving and yet they start in on yet another conversation.

Do not let her start another conversation. Whatever she says, you simply push off - we can talk about that later or we'll call you next week. When she mentions Oh I forgot to tell you about Uncle BoBo's back problems you just say we need to turn in for the night, another time. Keep avoiding the trap.

When she says she is going, say great I will walk you tp the door walk toward the door.

Chances are that she will act surprised because she will notice that she isn't getting to stay which is what she wants. You just repeat we need to close up for the night, its late.

But it sounds like OP’s husband is enjoying hanging out with his mom! I’m not wild about my MIL, but when I get tired of hanging out with her and my husband is still enjoying his time with his mother, whom he loves, I quietly go elsewhere. Your advice is great for getting her to leave but what if DH doesn’t want her to leave yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rude MILs have found the thread. OP -ignore the rude posters who say you shouldn't think this is a problem.

Guests who don't leave are no longer welcomed guests IMO.

Next time, have DH get the kids to bed and you shuffle MIL out the door. I have a few relatives like this and we actually no longer invite them over to dinner. Everyone has said good bye, everyone else has left, they have said they are leaving and yet they start in on yet another conversation.

Do not let her start another conversation. Whatever she says, you simply push off - we can talk about that later or we'll call you next week. When she mentions Oh I forgot to tell you about Uncle BoBo's back problems you just say we need to turn in for the night, another time. Keep avoiding the trap.

When she says she is going, say great I will walk you tp the door walk toward the door.

Chances are that she will act surprised because she will notice that she isn't getting to stay which is what she wants. You just repeat we need to close up for the night, its late.

I'm a mom with young children, not a MIL.

This isn't a MIL problem. MIL *is* welcomed - by OP's husband. The issue is that OP and her husband aren't on the same page, and OP's willingness to blame MIL for that.