Mil never wants to leave at bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring the kids back down - tell them it is Nana and Dad time. Get them into bed and go read yourself?

This. I'd just plan to not come back down for the night. Or if I did, I'd make it VERY obvious I was in "relax" mode by putting on sweats.

But...the issue isn't just your MIL. It's your DH's refusal to deal with this issue, or to even SEE it as an issue. I'd have a few calm discussions about this. If he won't help back you up with her leaving, then the visits need to be more spread out. Say once every three weeks.

Maybe he just doesn't agree with her that it's an issue?

[Anonymous]

It’s one night a week and it doesn’t sound like your husband or MIL are asking anything of you. Why can’t you put on your pajamas and relax and Netflix in another area of the house?

[Anonymous]

Why can you not put on PJs while your MIL is there? I would just go about my evening, and if she wants to binge netflix with me, fine.

[Anonymous]

Your kids don't mind you. That's the main problem. If I tell my kids to stay upstairs and they go downstairs? They're in trouble. It might happen once in a blue moon, but then it's very clear that they are in trouble, and if anything, that would be a clear excuse to say, "Mary, we're having some problems not minding; please excuse us for the evening so we can take care of this."

Your husband is also a problem. You're managing bath and bedtime with clearly unruly kids on your own while he has a chat...how does that work, exactly? Call downstairs, "Tim, can you come give me a hand? We've got some rambunctious ones tonight!" Talk it through ahead of time so that he knows THAT IS HIS CUE to get her out the door.

An older adult woman speaking in (hopefully quiet) tones to her son in his house when he is still welcoming her there is not really that problem.

In this scenario, MIL is actually the least of your problems. And I am never on Team MIL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring the kids back down - tell them it is Nana and Dad time. Get them into bed and go read yourself?

This. I'd just plan to not come back down for the night. Or if I did, I'd make it VERY obvious I was in "relax" mode by putting on sweats.

But...the issue isn't just your MIL. It's your DH's refusal to deal with this issue, or to even SEE it as an issue. I'd have a few calm discussions about this. If he won't help back you up with her leaving, then the visits need to be more spread out. Say once every three weeks.

Maybe he just doesn't agree with her that it's an issue?

Huh? If it’s an issue for OP, it’s an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s not just the kids, but I would like to be able to walk around in my pajamas and relax in my home after 9pm. I think the hour bedtime routine is more than enough time for DH and his mom to catch up. They can go out for dessert for all I care. But once it’s time to settle down, why can’t she leave? It’s rude.

My ILs like to stay up late and talk during their visits; DH likes to catch up with them, too. But if their visit extends to weeknights, I don't participate in that portion of the evening. After the kids are in bed, I go downstairs, chat nicely as I set up the coffee machine, say goodnight, and head up to read, take a shower and go to bed. I sometimes put in soft ear plugs or run a white noise machine if their chatting is bothering me.

Why aren't you TAKING this time for yourself? It's not like she can give you ten demerits if you don't stay up and chat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids should be respecting the fact that that is a time for their dad and nana to catch up and have adult conversations and not interrupt. It's not always their time with nana. Once they go upstairs, they need to understand that it's their bedtime and respect that. This isn't a MIL issue, it's a child issue and it's not fair to say to your husband, no you can't hang out with your mom and catch up with her because the kids won't stay upstairs like they are told to.

Uh no. This dynamic dumps all the responsibility for childcare on the DW. The dad gets to relax and use his mom as an excuse for why he “can’t” do any of his regular responsibilities. It’s great for him! His wife is too uncomfortable to say anything while his mom is there, so the longer she stays the easier things are for him.

There are 2 ways to fix it:

Dad is in charge of bedtime. Period. He goes upstairs and says goodbye to his mom and walks her out before starting bedtime (on time!)

No more weekday visits. You guys can try again when DH decides he can handle his parental responsibilities AND having a dinner guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring the kids back down - tell them it is Nana and Dad time. Get them into bed and go read yourself?

This. I'd just plan to not come back down for the night. Or if I did, I'd make it VERY obvious I was in "relax" mode by putting on sweats.

But...the issue isn't just your MIL. It's your DH's refusal to deal with this issue, or to even SEE it as an issue. I'd have a few calm discussions about this. If he won't help back you up with her leaving, then the visits need to be more spread out. Say once every three weeks.

Maybe he just doesn't agree with her that it's an issue?

Huh? If it’s an issue for OP, it’s an issue.

Maybe it’s an issue for DH that he wants to have a guest in his home and his wife is trying to control him by creating visiting hours. If OP wants to have on pjs, no one is stopping her but herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s not just the kids, but I would like to be able to walk around in my pajamas and relax in my home after 9pm. I think the hour bedtime routine is more than enough time for DH and his mom to catch up. They can go out for dessert for all I care. But once it’s time to settle down, why can’t she leave? It’s rude.

My ILs like to stay up late and talk during their visits; DH likes to catch up with them, too. But if their visit extends to weeknights, I don't participate in that portion of the evening. After the kids are in bed, I go downstairs, chat nicely as I set up the coffee machine, say goodnight, and head up to read, take a shower and go to bed. I sometimes put in soft ear plugs or run a white noise machine if their chatting is bothering me.

Why aren't you TAKING this time for yourself? It's not like she can give you ten demerits if you don't stay up and chat!

And by the way, I should add that DH fully participates in bath and bedtime, because DUH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids should be respecting the fact that that is a time for their dad and nana to catch up and have adult conversations and not interrupt. It's not always their time with nana. Once they go upstairs, they need to understand that it's their bedtime and respect that. This isn't a MIL issue, it's a child issue and it's not fair to say to your husband, no you can't hang out with your mom and catch up with her because the kids won't stay upstairs like they are told to.

Uh no. This dynamic dumps all the responsibility for childcare on the DW. The dad gets to relax and use his mom as an excuse for why he “can’t” do any of his regular responsibilities. It’s great for him! His wife is too uncomfortable to say anything while his mom is there, so the longer she stays the easier things are for him.

There are 2 ways to fix it:

Dad is in charge of bedtime. Period. He goes upstairs and says goodbye to his mom and walks her out before starting bedtime (on time!)

No more weekday visits. You guys can try again when DH decides he can handle his parental responsibilities AND having a dinner guest.

Or maybe DH takes Tuesday nights? OP never mentioned that the problem is that DH does not help her or is not taking care of his share. First she said it's a problem that the kids don't settle down and we gave her ideas on how to manage that. Then she said the problem is that she cannot relax and has been given ideas on how to manage that. If she posts that the problem is really that DH doesn't help, that's a different thing altogether, but she can get help with that, too and your two ways are not the only ways.

[Anonymous]

Your main problem is actually with your husband. Since it's his mother, the burden of communicating the expectations should be mostly his. If he is not able to be clear with her, then you should talk to her together, but either way, your first conversation is with him. My rules in this situation would be:

1) Kids cannot come back downstairs when finished with bath. Good night and goodbye with Nana should happen when they go upstairs.
2) If you are okay with managing the bedtime routine on your own for this night, then the expectation should be that you do the bath and then your husband comes up to say goodnight. That should be his mom's cue to actually leave, and that needs to be communicated to her directly until it is ingrained in the process.
3) When they are in bed, if you have made all the dinner and done all the childcare, that is your time to do whatever you want. Your husband should be cleaning up the mess from the evening.

What is the division of labor on other evenings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring the kids back down - tell them it is Nana and Dad time. Get them into bed and go read yourself?

This. I'd just plan to not come back down for the night. Or if I did, I'd make it VERY obvious I was in "relax" mode by putting on sweats.

But...the issue isn't just your MIL. It's your DH's refusal to deal with this issue, or to even SEE it as an issue. I'd have a few calm discussions about this. If he won't help back you up with her leaving, then the visits need to be more spread out. Say once every three weeks.

Maybe he just doesn't agree with her that it's an issue?

Huh? If it’s an issue for OP, it’s an issue.

It's his mom. Maybe he likes talking to his mom after the kids go to bed. Just because OP doesn't like it doesn't mean he has to accede to her wishes. They need to problem-solve by thinking about what each wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you say something like ...We need to call it a night, mom. It was a great visit but we have to say good bye, we'll see you next week! Hug, kiss and lead her to the door. Be direct, tell her what you told us.

This is good but starry with: “I am so tired! We need to call it a night....”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring the kids back down - tell them it is Nana and Dad time. Get them into bed and go read yourself?

This. I'd just plan to not come back down for the night. Or if I did, I'd make it VERY obvious I was in "relax" mode by putting on sweats.

But...the issue isn't just your MIL. It's your DH's refusal to deal with this issue, or to even SEE it as an issue. I'd have a few calm discussions about this. If he won't help back you up with her leaving, then the visits need to be more spread out. Say once every three weeks.

Maybe he just doesn't agree with her that it's an issue?

Huh? If it’s an issue for OP, it’s an issue.

It's his mom. Maybe he likes talking to his mom after the kids go to bed. Just because OP doesn't like it doesn't mean he has to accede to her wishes. They need to problem-solve by thinking about what each wants.

Yes which was my original point, this is a DH issue and needs to be addressed with him. Because of course MIL sees nothing wrong with it, because DH sees nothing wrong with it. But a married couple works things out with compromises etc. So if OP isn't happy with what's happening, she needs to figure out how to come to common ground with her DH first. Then he enforces whatever they decide with his mother. If DH is telling her to pound sand, even if his kid's rest and wife's happiness is at stake, that's a completely different issue which should be addressed somewhere like marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

You have a husband problem. He should be willing to say when it's time for her to leave. And ideally he should let her know the time frame before she visits.