Mil never wants to leave at bedtime

[Anonymous]

Don’t bring the kids downstairs again. My parents come every Monday. Sometimes I need to talk to my mom without the kids around and my husband does bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids should be respecting the fact that that is a time for their dad and nana to catch up and have adult conversations and not interrupt. It's not always their time with nana. Once they go upstairs, they need to understand that it's their bedtime and respect that. This isn't a MIL issue, it's a child issue and it's not fair to say to your husband, no you can't hang out with your mom and catch up with her because the kids won't stay upstairs like they are told to.

Uh no. This dynamic dumps all the responsibility for childcare on the DW. The dad gets to relax and use his mom as an excuse for why he “can’t” do any of his regular responsibilities. It’s great for him! His wife is too uncomfortable to say anything while his mom is there, so the longer she stays the easier things are for him.

There are 2 ways to fix it:

Dad is in charge of bedtime. Period. He goes upstairs and says goodbye to his mom and walks her out before starting bedtime (on time!)

No more weekday visits. You guys can try again when DH decides he can handle his parental responsibilities AND having a dinner guest.

Or maybe DH takes Tuesday nights? OP never mentioned that the problem is that DH does not help her or is not taking care of his share. First she said it's a problem that the kids don't settle down and we gave her ideas on how to manage that. Then she said the problem is that she cannot relax and has been given ideas on how to manage that. If she posts that the problem is really that DH doesn't help, that's a different thing altogether, but she can get help with that, too and your two ways are not the only ways.

It doesn’t sound like this is the case.

OP is saying over and over again that this situation is not working. She is tired, she needs downtime after work. You keep insisting that she needs suck it up and manage the kids better so her husband can have more downtime. You’re saying it doesn’t matter how she feels and what she wants. You keep insisting that she shouldn’t e tired. Only the DH and Grandma’s preferences matter. That’s a recipe for a terrible marriage.

This 100% a DH problem. Weekly dinners with grandparents is generous of OP. I don’t understand why her DH can’t show her a tiny bit of consideration as well. She is a human being. She is allowed to say that after a long day, guests need to leave by 9pm! That is really late for a family with young children! In my house it would be 8pm. Her DH is being an a$$.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

How long have these visits been happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP is saying over and over again that this situation is not working. She is tired, she needs downtime after work. You keep insisting that she needs suck it up and manage the kids better so her husband can have more downtime. You’re saying it doesn’t matter how she feels and what she wants. You keep insisting that she shouldn’t e tired. Only the DH and Grandma’s preferences matter. That’s a recipe for a terrible marriage.

Not a single person said that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't bring the kids back down - tell them it is Nana and Dad time. Get them into bed and go read yourself?

This. I'd just plan to not come back down for the night. Or if I did, I'd make it VERY obvious I was in "relax" mode by putting on sweats.

But...the issue isn't just your MIL. It's your DH's refusal to deal with this issue, or to even SEE it as an issue. I'd have a few calm discussions about this. If he won't help back you up with her leaving, then the visits need to be more spread out. Say once every three weeks.

Maybe he just doesn't agree with her that it's an issue?

He doesn’t agree that she feels stressed and exhausted by the situation? Say what?

Ha! Next time my DH says something bothers him, I’m going to say “I disagree. I don’t accept that reality!” Nice strategy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP is saying over and over again that this situation is not working. She is tired, she needs downtime after work. You keep insisting that she needs suck it up and manage the kids better so her husband can have more downtime. You’re saying it doesn’t matter how she feels and what she wants. You keep insisting that she shouldn’t e tired. Only the DH and Grandma’s preferences matter. That’s a recipe for a terrible marriage.

Not a single person said that.

When you responded, you deleted the history with the posts where people said exactly that.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't come back downstairs, kids or no kids. Take a long shower, turn on your bedroom TV or pick up a book, and lounge around in bed til it's time to sleep. Your husband can be in charge of getting her out the door AND doing whatever chores still need to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP is saying over and over again that this situation is not working. She is tired, she needs downtime after work. You keep insisting that she needs suck it up and manage the kids better so her husband can have more downtime. You’re saying it doesn’t matter how she feels and what she wants. You keep insisting that she shouldn’t e tired. Only the DH and Grandma’s preferences matter. That’s a recipe for a terrible marriage.

Not a single person said that.

When you responded, you deleted the history with the posts where people said exactly that.

Your way is to impose rules from OP that MIL must leave by x time or whatever your demand is. All I (and not just me) is saying is that since OP is tired, she should go to bed or go relax. She can even ask DH to take care of the bedtime routine before hanging out with his mother if that's the problem. Keep the kids upstairs if their coming down is the problem. But if DH likes having his mom there and wants to chat with her, she can't say that MIL has to go over DH's objections. That's not a reasonable solution if he is not on board because it's his house too. That is not the same as saying it doesn't matter how she feels and what she wants. It isn't saying she shouldn't be tired. It isn't saying that only DH and Grandma's preferences matter. Your solution is a recipe for a terrible marriage.

[Anonymous]

Its rude. Very rude.


While I agree with the let DH handle his own relatives position when it comes to coordination, gifts etc, in this situation I would tell her to leave at 9pm. Its your house and unless DH has some compelling need to keep his mother there past 9 just say something firmly. I'd let DH know in advance that we are telling MIL that she needs to leave by 9pm. If she is not out the door at 8:45 then you tell her it is time to go. DH should be smart enough to stop chatting.

If she still dawdles and hangs around looking at her phone then cancel the next week. Tell her that you and DH need to get up early the next morning and her late night visits do not work. If she protests and says that she will leave early then tell her OK maybe the following week but not this week. She needs to feel a consequence of being rude because she doesn't seem to care.

[Anonymous]

OP, just talk to your MIL.

[Anonymous]

he PPs are right that you and your DH need to agree to a drop-dead time for DH to usher his mom out. What the arrangements are for the kids' routines, relaxing on that night might depend a bit on how responsibilities are distributed the rest of the work week.

[Anonymous]

Keep the regular bedtimes all through the week. All say goodnight and goodbye before heading upstairs. Gate at top of stairs if needed to prevent going back down. After they are tucked in, then you go and take a shower or bath.

Or you schedule something every Monday night at bedtime. Have your husband be responsible for the bedtime routine that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its rude. Very rude.


While I agree with the let DH handle his own relatives position when it comes to coordination, gifts etc, in this situation I would tell her to leave at 9pm. Its your house and unless DH has some compelling need to keep his mother there past 9 just say something firmly. I'd let DH know in advance that we are telling MIL that she needs to leave by 9pm. If she is not out the door at 8:45 then you tell her it is time to go. DH should be smart enough to stop chatting.

If she still dawdles and hangs around looking at her phone then cancel the next week. Tell her that you and DH need to get up early the next morning and her late night visits do not work. If she protests and says that she will leave early then tell her OK maybe the following week but not this week. She needs to feel a consequence of being rude because she doesn't seem to care.

MIL isn't the rude one!

1) Kids are rude for not minding.
2) DH is rude for not being involved with bedtime/bath time on a school night, and for not sticking to the plan (if indeed DH/OP agreed upon a certain point of departure); DH is rude for not working with OP to get on the same page.
3) OP is actually kinda rude for placing blame on MIL rather than expecting her own kids to mind/expecting DH to be an involved parent and to be a proper host and see his guest out. OP is also kinda rude for blaming her MIL for *her own damn choice* of not just putting on PJs, going to bed, relaxing, and leaving DH to deal with final clean-up and locking up after MIL. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND EAT BON-BONS ALREADY!

MIL maybe needs to pick up on some social cues, but her host (her son) is clearly fine with her staying around. Maybe she's not fully reading the room, but her host is making it clear that she's welcome to stay!

Geesh. Again, I am never on Team MIL, but she's really not the worst offender in this scenario!

[Anonymous]

I don't see what the issue is here. Everything is fixed if OP just:

1) Makes sure that the kids go to bed without coming downstairs again.
2) Does her own thing after the kids are in bed (pjs, read, bath, tv, etc.)

It doesn't sound like MIL or husband are asking her to sit with them and talk. The only change I could see making would be that both parents go up and get the kids ready for bed together, if OP doesn't like doing the whole bedtime routine herself.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?