Mil never wants to leave at bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rude MILs have found the thread. OP -ignore the rude posters who say you shouldn't think this is a problem.

Guests who don't leave are no longer welcomed guests IMO.
[b]OP is one host; she wants MIL to leave. DH is another hosts; he wants her to stay, or at least doesn't mind her staying. She's still welcome, by her son. Do you get it?

Next time, have DH get the kids to bed and you shuffle MIL out the door. I have a few relatives like this and we actually no longer invite them over to dinner. Everyone has said good bye, everyone else has left, they have said they are leaving and yet they start in on yet another conversation.
[/b]Sounds good, but this is on DH, not on MIL. If he fails to agree to this/follow through on this, again, some more: that's on HIM.

Do not let her start another conversation. Whatever she says, you simply push off - we can talk about that later or we'll call you next week. When she mentions Oh I forgot to tell you about Uncle BoBo's back problems you just say we need to turn in for the night, another time. Keep avoiding the trap.
Yes...but this only works if DH--you know, the other host? The other owner of the house?--agrees to this dynamic and wants it to go down that way.

When she says she is going, say great I will walk you tp the door walk toward the door.
Yes...but this only works if DH--you know, the other host? The other owner of the house?--agrees to this dynamic and wants it to go down that way.

Chances are that she will act surprised because she will notice that she isn't getting to stay which is what she wants. You just repeat we need to close up for the night, its late.

Yes...but this only works if DH--you know, the other host? The other owner of the house?--agrees to this dynamic and wants it to go down that way.[b]

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to give your husband the space to visit with his Mom. What's your angle? When do you see your parents, and does DH always take part in that visit?

I still don't get why you can't spend an hour doing a bath, reading, sleep, etc in your own bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Simple.
Set a time. Tell DH either MIL leaves at that or you will be going to bed and the kid wrangling/bath/bed time routine is all on him.
I would say 7:30 is a good time to have someone leave after a 6pm dinner. Maybe 8 if i am feeling generous.
Also add if the kids are too tired/cranky on Tuesday morning after staying up with Nana past the time you two agreed was a good time for bed, well, they are ALL his as you leave and enjoy some starbucks.

This will happen 1-2 times MAX. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I don’t want to have to sit prisoner in my room until she leaves. Why should I have to? And no, I don’t like parading around in pajamas with wet hair and makeup off and whatever else, that’s my preference. Why shouldn’t I be allowed that? I want to come downstairs, make a tea, sit in the living room, maybe watch a show. Why isn’t the hour I’m upstairs getting the kids to bed enough alone time? And if it’s not, why can’t they take it somewhere else! Also the kids do go to bed reluctantly because they are laughing and seems to be having fun that they think they are missing out on. It’s hard to sleep with dad and grandma laughing right below you. Why isn’t that enough time? Why can’t she leave?

What's stopping you? I sincerely don't understand the problem?

Uhh... it sounds like the DH and MIL are talking in the living room. That’s why.

OP, all the people pretending they don’t understand and there’s nothing wrong with this situation are trolling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to give your husband the space to visit with his Mom. What's your angle? When do you see your parents, and does DH always take part in that visit?

I still don't get why you can't spend an hour doing a bath, reading, sleep, etc in your own bedroom.

I totally agree for once in a while visits. But every other week? No way kids should have their routines messed up routinely just so Nana can stay and chat. Then she and DH should go out for dessert and sit at Perkins for 2 hours talking and not disrupting the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simple.
Set a time. Tell DH either MIL leaves at that or you will be going to bed and the kid wrangling/bath/bed time routine is all on him.
I would say 7:30 is a good time to have someone leave after a 6pm dinner. Maybe 8 if i am feeling generous.
Also add if the kids are too tired/cranky on Tuesday morning after staying up with Nana past the time you two agreed was a good time for bed, well, they are ALL his as you leave and enjoy some starbucks.

This will happen 1-2 times MAX. Trust me.

This is a good idea. If the DH wants to be rude and have no boundaries, then OP can too. You can leave at 8pm and make sure to leave the house extra early the next day. There is no read for a regular weekly guest to stay past bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Yep. This is your problem until you make it his.
He has NO consquence of his mom staying and chatting/laughing late at night. YOU are the babysitter for him.
Nope.
If he wants her to stay. Great. Stay all she wants but you will be done at 8pm. That means anything past that time HE is responsible for taking care of: bath/ bed/ books/ potty break etc.
If they are tired/cranky the next morning. Guess what. His duty as well since he had them stay up late.

Once HE has to deal with stuff like this he will no longer want to stay and chat all night.

[Anonymous]

I would $1000 that DH feels zero need or desire to visit with his mother past bedtime. He is avoiding setting a boundary with her. She knows this and takes full advantage staying as late as she pleases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. This is your problem until you make it his.
He has NO consquence of his mom staying and chatting/laughing late at night. YOU are the babysitter for him.
Nope.
If he wants her to stay. Great. Stay all she wants but you will be done at 8pm. That means anything past that time HE is responsible for taking care of: bath/ bed/ books/ potty break etc.
If they are tired/cranky the next morning. Guess what. His duty as well since he had them stay up late.

Once HE has to deal with stuff like this he will no longer want to stay and chat all night.

I would go on a walk at exactly 8pm. If she didn’t leave, I would go on a walk (or drive) and not come back until her car was gone. The next morning I would also be gone before the kids woke up.

[Anonymous]

I would add that he needs to either start cooking or do all of the clean up for these visits.

My ex BF used to invite his mom over 1x per week for dinner. It was great at first but it really got to be too much when i got a promotion. he didn't get why it was an issue until i told him it was fine for her to come but HE had to do the grocery shopping/ meal planning/cooking/cleaning etc for her.
That lasted 2 mroe times and then it was more "let's go out to eat with mom" 1x per month (saving $$).

Your DH feels none of the burden for these visits. He needs to and then he can decide if he values his mom's late night chats or if he would rather have help getting hte kitchen cleaned and the kids to bed while you are still up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids should be respecting the fact that that is a time for their dad and nana to catch up and have adult conversations and not interrupt. It's not always their time with nana. Once they go upstairs, they need to understand that it's their bedtime and respect that. This isn't a MIL issue, it's a child issue and it's not fair to say to your husband, no you can't hang out with your mom and catch up with her because the kids won't stay upstairs like they are told to.

Uh no. This dynamic dumps all the responsibility for childcare on the DW. The dad gets to relax and use his mom as an excuse for why he “can’t” do any of his regular responsibilities. It’s great for him! His wife is too uncomfortable to say anything while his mom is there, so the longer she stays the easier things are for him.

There are 2 ways to fix it:

Dad is in charge of bedtime. Period. He goes upstairs and says goodbye to his mom and walks her out before starting bedtime (on time!)

No more weekday visits. You guys can try again when DH decides he can handle his parental responsibilities AND having a dinner guest.

Or maybe DH takes Tuesday nights? OP never mentioned that the problem is that DH does not help her or is not taking care of his share. First she said it's a problem that the kids don't settle down and we gave her ideas on how to manage that. Then she said the problem is that she cannot relax and has been given ideas on how to manage that. If she posts that the problem is really that DH doesn't help, that's a different thing altogether, but she can get help with that, too and your two ways are not the only ways.

It doesn’t sound like this is the case.

OP is saying over and over again that this situation is not working. She is tired, she needs downtime after work. You keep insisting that she needs suck it up and manage the kids better so her husband can have more downtime. You’re saying it doesn’t matter how she feels and what she wants. You keep insisting that she shouldn’t e tired. Only the DH and Grandma’s preferences matter. That’s a recipe for a terrible marriage.

This 100% a DH problem. Weekly dinners with grandparents is generous of OP. I don’t understand why her DH can’t show her a tiny bit of consideration as well. She is a human being. She is allowed to say that after a long day, guests need to leave by 9pm! That is really late for a family with young children! In my house it would be 8pm. Her DH is being an a$$.

This. OP is already being very generous by taking over childcare/bedtime duties while her husband chats more with his mom. Of course the kids want to stay up while Grandma is still there. She's being very rude by overstaying her welcome. It's not like OP's husband is taking over the child wrangling, so OP does all the work. OP gets to decide this doesn't work for her and come 9 PM she gets her house back to herself.

OP, if your husband won't cooperate then every other time he takes the kids to his mom's while you stay home and relax. Then he does the bath and bedtime routine when they get home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids should be respecting the fact that that is a time for their dad and nana to catch up and have adult conversations and not interrupt. It's not always their time with nana. Once they go upstairs, they need to understand that it's their bedtime and respect that. This isn't a MIL issue, it's a child issue and it's not fair to say to your husband, no you can't hang out with your mom and catch up with her because the kids won't stay upstairs like they are told to.

Uh no. This dynamic dumps all the responsibility for childcare on the DW. The dad gets to relax and use his mom as an excuse for why he “can’t” do any of his regular responsibilities. It’s great for him! His wife is too uncomfortable to say anything while his mom is there, so the longer she stays the easier things are for him.

There are 2 ways to fix it:

Dad is in charge of bedtime. Period. He goes upstairs and says goodbye to his mom and walks her out before starting bedtime (on time!)

No more weekday visits. You guys can try again when DH decides he can handle his parental responsibilities AND having a dinner guest.

Or maybe DH takes Tuesday nights? OP never mentioned that the problem is that DH does not help her or is not taking care of his share. First she said it's a problem that the kids don't settle down and we gave her ideas on how to manage that. Then she said the problem is that she cannot relax and has been given ideas on how to manage that. If she posts that the problem is really that DH doesn't help, that's a different thing altogether, but she can get help with that, too and your two ways are not the only ways.

It doesn’t sound like this is the case.

OP is saying over and over again that this situation is not working. She is tired, she needs downtime after work. You keep insisting that she needs suck it up and manage the kids better so her husband can have more downtime. You’re saying it doesn’t matter how she feels and what she wants. You keep insisting that she shouldn’t e tired. Only the DH and Grandma’s preferences matter. That’s a recipe for a terrible marriage.

This 100% a DH problem. Weekly dinners with grandparents is generous of OP. I don’t understand why her DH can’t show her a tiny bit of consideration as well. She is a human being. She is allowed to say that after a long day, guests need to leave by 9pm! That is really late for a family with young children! In my house it would be 8pm. Her DH is being an a$$.

This. OP is already being very generous by taking over childcare/bedtime duties while her husband chats more with his mom. Of course the kids want to stay up while Grandma is still there. She's being very rude by overstaying her welcome. It's not like OP's husband is taking over the child wrangling, so OP does all the work. OP gets to decide this doesn't work for her and come 9 PM she gets her house back to herself.

OP, if your husband won't cooperate then every other time he takes the kids to his mom's while you stay home and relax. Then he does the bath and bedtime routine when they get home.

OP needs to open her mouth and talk to her husband. This is his fault, not MIL’s; she doesn’t feel the visit is over because HE thinks it’s fine!

[Anonymous]

I think DH is well within his rights to visit with his mom twice a month, but also think it would be perfectly reasonable for OP to have book club, girls night, drink coffee alone in a cafe, or what have you also on that day or another day of the week. There is no way in hell that my DH could tell me my own mother has to leave at 9 if we are having a nice visit that has nothing to do with him. And yes, he should put the kids to bed that night and I would be happy to do the same for him on another night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH is well within his rights to visit with his mom twice a month, but also think it would be perfectly reasonable for OP to have book club, girls night, drink coffee alone in a cafe, or what have you also on that day or another day of the week. There is no way in hell that my DH could tell me my own mother has to leave at 9 if we are having a nice visit that has nothing to do with him. And yes, he should put the kids to bed that night and I would be happy to do the same for him on another night.

Yes, this is a good approach. What's the deal with your parents, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can you not put on PJs while your MIL is there? I would just go about my evening, and if she wants to binge netflix with me, fine.

I agree with this. Put your pj’s on and go to your room. Tell MIL goodnight before you head up with the kids.