ILs house is disgusting
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Anonymous
| ffs help them clean their house. Or hire someone to come weekly to do it. You sound like a totally useless b*tch. |
Anonymous
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What my brothers and I did was to just step in. You all can go to their house for a impromptu take out meal (without your spouse and kids), and one of you say that you have a guy who owes you money and has offered to do home repairs in return. Then you get the guy to the house, supervise/do the prep, repair, cleaning etc, and fix the problem. This is how we started.
Next, we started to visit my parents (with a cleaning person we paid for) and together we cleaned for a few days. Once things got settled, we took turns in the weekends to get the cleaning person, go to my parents home and get the cleaning done. We also paid for and outsourced - yard care, snow removal and making sure their HVAC was inspected and taken care of. We made sure that their vehicle was serviced and in good running condition. Keep an eye on their routine health visits, medications and make sure that they are eating well and exercising too. I lived close to my parents and I checked up every evening after dinner and forced them to take a walk with me around the block for 15 minutes in a leisurely fashion. All of us benefited from this exercise. In our parents case, we noticed the decline and knew that helping in all possible way that we could, would allow them to stay in their own home for a longer period of time and have a better quality of life. It also lessened the burden and time committment from all of us siblings for their care. We did end up postponing the inevitable - move to assisted living, medical issues, long term care, death, and settling the estate - for good 15 years. Over the next few years, you should also start sorting out other things for them - the basement, the attic, cataloging and scanning all photographs, decluttering stuff, do all the necessary paper work etc.. cause that is coming down the pike. It was also a great bonding experience for all of us siblings and my parents were more open to taking help because we did most of it without our spouses. It is not hard, but you need to have a plan and put it into action. Watch out for cognitive decline also. |
Anonymous
They allowed a bathroom leak to ruin the ceiling and a wall in their living room and now they just don't use that bathroom. Their dishwasher broke some time ago and they haven't repaired it. There are dishes piled in the sink and gunk and grime all over the place. Their yard must be a jungle. A weekly cleaning service can only do so much. I have seen people in their 80's and 90's age in place and still take care of their homes better than a lot of younger people would. But that is not the case for Op's parents. And, no, I don't think that adult children can reasonably be expected to take on the upkeep of their parents' large home. Op's parents have clearly decided that they want to spend their time/energy/money on active, fun leisure activities. More power to them - they've worked hard and they've earned the right to make that call. What they can't do is dump their chores, maintenance and basic upkeep of their home onto their adult children. Nor is it reasonable for them to just let their property go to the point that they are literally letting the place deteriorate around them - unsafe and unsanitary. That's no way to live. It's time to downsize and simplify. If you have an older parent who has every closet crammed full of stuff, things stored under every bed, in every crawl space and a dusty attic that is crammed so full of stuff that you can't access it or a basement piled high with stuff - it is time to help them go through and pare down. Get a dumpster if you have to. Sell what you can. It is going to take time to go through all of it and your parents only have so much stamina..... so start today. If your parents' house is falling into disrepair with an overgrown yard, leaky bathrooms, broken appliances, dust and grime everywhere - consider that a wake up call. They need to downsize. Don't wait for it to be an emergency situation where one parent is trying to do it all alone while taking care of their sick spouse. |
Anonymous
DP. What do you do when your elderly parents adamantly refuse to consider downsizing, insist on continuing to running a boarding house out of the house, and ask you for money for "groceries because we don't have any money this month to even buy eggs!!" on a regular basis, meanwhile refusing to liquidate their $1mil + of real estate? Asking for a friend. |
Anonymous
I'm not sure how old you are DP but I'm in my mid 50's which means that I'll be around 70 in 15 years and possibly needing to downsize, myself. It's great that you have been able to help your parents like that but I don't want to be an old person responsible for helping another old person downsize. |
Anonymous
Honestly, I don't know. My own mom had an orderly houseful of beautiful belongings. She took better care of her house than most younger people do - no lie. But she began paring down a good decade before she actually downsized. Even so, she still had quite a bit to sell and give away when she did move. I shudder to think what it would have been like if she had not started the process, willingly herself. She has now downsized and she still keeps her place looking nice, neat and orderly. But she no longer has to worry about maintenance, yard work and cooking which is nice. |
Anonymous
In your 50s, you should start to do the "Swedish Death Cleanse" of your own house as well as your elderly parents. You are still working but gearing towards retirement, this is the time for you to simplify as much as you can. |
Anonymous
I am doing this! Dh and I are in good health, we do our own home cleaning, yard work, routine maintenance. We hire very little out. We exercise, eat right and we still have kids in HS/College. I doubt we'll be downsizing anytime soon but, yeah, we don't need a house crammed full of stuff. One thing my MIL has done has been to set aside a trunk for each of her adult kids. Things that she would like each kid to have goes into those trunks. I think that is a really sweet way to handle things and it sort of forces you to be selective as to how much and what you give to your kids. The rest can be sold and the money used to help fund your retirement. |
Anonymous
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It takes years to pare down in a manner that is not traumatic and forced. Most people do not want to "give away" their things for nothing, even if it is junk. If there is a need to have regular garage sales or give things off to consignment store, then that also takes effort, time and space. Especially because we have become a nation of hoarders. Stop buying more things and start selling and donating things. For the elderly, all the stuff becomes part of their memories and they cling on to it. As you look at the homes of your elderly relatives and try and help them, do yourself a favor and start paring down on your stuff too. Your kids do not want your things. Make your kids do the same too and teach them to live in a minimalist manner. The less stuff you have, the less time you spend maintaining it. The time and mental space that is freed up when you have less belongings is amazing. The biggest bonus is that you will have more money because of that in the bank. |
Anonymous
| Start by getting rid of the furniture in the living room that was, no doubt, destroyed by the leak. No one wants a waterlogged couch. I'll bet the carpeting/floor in that room is ruined, too, and it would be a good idea to check the wiring.. This is what happens to stuff when a home is not cared for properly - things of value get wrecked. |
Anonymous
Those who think the solution is simple obviously haven't been there. Unless you want to have your parents declared incompetent, you can't force them to do anything. You'll probably end up being denied access to their house. You can offer to help, but you can't do anything if they say no. |
Anonymous
No, you can't stomp into your parents' house and demand that they fix it up, pare down and clean it better. You can gently suggest that they might want to participate in the community yard sale. If they want you to drag some stuff out of the attic or the basement you'll be happy to help out. You can also say "Oh dear, it looks like that bathroom leak left a bad stain on the couch. You should call for a bulk trash pickup, we can help you get that out to the curb." Do they have a linen closet full of old sheets and towels? They probably only use a few of them. Maybe you could ask if they would be willing to donate them to an animal rescue where they would be much appreciated and well used. It's just a matter of breaking it down into smaller tasks and getting the process started. But it needs to get started. Once they get going it becomes easier. I'm not sure if Op's in-laws have a ton of stuff or not. But the goal would be to get things to a point where they could move out fairly easy and quickly if they had to. |
Anonymous
This x 1,000. Having been through this several times, I've begun paring down our stuff. I have sorted through keepsakes and papers and kept only a few more important things (letters from JFK, etc) and put them in one scrapbook. I spent days and days shredding old (like 40-50 years worth) financial records. My next mission is to digitize all the family photographs. I really don't want to leave my kids a mess. My theory is that my Grandmother's generation was the first generation that became adults after WWII and accumulated lots of stuff. Prior to that time, except in very rare cases, even rich people didn't have the quantity of stuff that we have now. There are a few records of hoarders in that era, but they were were quite unusual. Now it's common. As my generation deals with the aftermath, I think those of us who aren't clinical hoarders will do our best to not leave our kids with a mess. I do agree that OP's in laws are probably depressed or starting to lose their cognitive facilities so that dealing with things like a repairman is just overwhelming. I also believe that OP and her husband can't force the issue if they are resistant (unless they want to take legal action). |
Anonymous
my impression is that people who were orderly and considerate before they aged, will manage their affairs as they age in an orderly considerate manner. but if your parents were a sh*tshow since forever - it’s only going to get worse! |
Anonymous
| They probably can't see. Do they need to get their cataracts taken care of? |