ILs house is disgusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

+1

This is the most reasonable advice here.

(And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to somehow “demand” a competent adult fix-up their house. Unless things have gotten to the point where you are looking to a court to award you guardianship, you have to take “no” for an answer.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

+1

This is the most reasonable advice here.

(And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to somehow “demand” a competent adult fix-up their house. Unless things have gotten to the point where you are looking to a court to award you guardianship, you have to take “no” for an answer.)

Agree with the PP. There's really nothing you can do. You do NOT, however, have to eat there or stay there to avoid hurting their feelings.

My MIL is a hoarder. Her place is in horrifying shape. Not just a little clutter, but like what you see on TV - stuff piled to the ceiling, paths through rooms. There's nothing we can do - we've offered money for a cleaning service, we've offered to go in there and help her ourselves (she is able bodied, in her early sixties, and still works full time) and she says no. We've stopped asking but we also do not allow our young children in her home. This breaks her heart but she holds firm on her stuff and we hold firm on the safety of our kids.

[Anonymous]

OP - were your mom and dad into DIY or were they perfectionists? If they always fixed things themselves or cleaned themselves then they may have a hard time realizing that they can no longer do this.

[Anonymous]

OP, my father-in-law is in the same situation. House is filthy, Bethesda yard looks a jungle, and he's either not able to or isn't aware that he needs to do something about it. Very serious independent streak and REFUSES to acknowledge he may need to move anywhere else, ever. Recently said he "probably has ten more years or so" in the house before he'd need to move elsewhere (he's in his late 80s).

It's hard to see this and not feel like you can really help without offending. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my father-in-law is in the same situation. House is filthy, Bethesda yard looks a jungle, and he's either not able to or isn't aware that he needs to do something about it. Very serious independent streak and REFUSES to acknowledge he may need to move anywhere else, ever. Recently said he "probably has ten more years or so" in the house before he'd need to move elsewhere (he's in his late 80s).

It's hard to see this and not feel like you can really help without offending. Wishing you all the best.

Hire someone to mow his lawn for him and to weed it. Then tell him when they are coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

Agree wholeheartedly. So easy to judge right now.

+1 And you sound like you need to reduce some of your neuroses. Just because their house isn't clean, doesn't mean you are going to get food poisoning when they make dinner (if you had, presumably you would have mentioned it.)

Nope - you people are way off base. Are you also elderly?
It’s not mean spirited - the house is filthy, in bad shape and is need of repairs. Those are facts, facts are not ‘mean spirited’.
And yes they could get food poisoning if the kitchen is filthy and not fully functional.
The parents need to be accepting help to fix the place up. No more ‘gentle suggestions’- they need to agree to fix the shower and the mold now and they need to have weekly thorough house cleanings.

Nope, I'm young and I also understand science, and know our bodies can handle more dirt than proper society may deem appropriate.
https://www.annallergy.org/article/S1081-1206(18)30382-X/abstract

Oh, gosh no. You’re trying to use science to justify how weird you are?
Even if you clean and tidy up there’s still dirt everywhere. Your house does not need to be a moldy , grimey shambles for any reason.
If you need a dirt fix you do realize that you can go outside and play in the dirt at anytime, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

Agree wholeheartedly. So easy to judge right now.

+1 And you sound like you need to reduce some of your neuroses. Just because their house isn't clean, doesn't mean you are going to get food poisoning when they make dinner (if you had, presumably you would have mentioned it.)

Nope - you people are way off base. Are you also elderly?
It’s not mean spirited - the house is filthy, in bad shape and is need of repairs. Those are facts, facts are not ‘mean spirited’.
And yes they could get food poisoning if the kitchen is filthy and not fully functional.
The parents need to be accepting help to fix the place up. No more ‘gentle suggestions’- they need to agree to fix the shower and the mold now and they need to have weekly thorough house cleanings.

Nope, I'm young and I also understand science, and know our bodies can handle more dirt than proper society may deem appropriate.
https://www.annallergy.org/article/S1081-1206(18)30382-X/abstract

Sorry, but if you invite me to your home for a meal and I see your home is filthy, I simply won't eat. I don't care if it hurts your feelings. I am not going to force myself to choke down your food, all the while hoping I don't gag, as I look at the mold on your ceiling and the dirt all around me. I don't care what your link says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could their kids (and possibly the spouses, also) just go over and say, hey, Mom and Dad, we’re here to help out around the house today. And then, just get out the vacuum and mop and have at it. Maybe just go ahead and make arrangements to have the dishwasher fixed or replaced.

I think just pitching in and doing what needs to be done may be the best way to handle the situation.

Who has time for this? Also, unless you’re willing to give up all you’re weekends to clean their house, it’s not going to change. Houses have to be cleaned regularly, it’s not something you do once.

They need to hire a weekly cleaner immediately. AND they need to downsize in the near future. Anything else is enabling.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, Dad, I have a great guy who can fix the dishwasher. Are you home tomorrow afternoon? He will come by - don't worry about the cost, I have already taken care of it so you won't have to worry about it before hosting the family for Thanksgiving". Same for the mold. Find someone, schedule the work, pay for it. Done.

[Anonymous]

The dishwasher stopped working and they haven't replaced it. The master bathroom developed a leak and they stopped using it but not before there was significant damage and mold.

Their counters, floors, carpet are covered with grime and crumbs. They have dishes piling up in their sink which they sort of kind of wash 1 or 2 at a time....

This has all been developing over the past year or so. But maybe this has been coming on for years and it has just gotten to the point where it is truly a problem. The longer they stay in the house, the more it deteriorates, the less they'll get for it when it comes time to sell.

[Anonymous]

The leak in the bathroom destroyed the ceiling and wall in the living room. This isn't just a simple matter of using a little elbow grease folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

They are your parents not your servants. You do not put your foot or any part of your body down. What a bitch you are. Help the with suggestions not demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

They are your parents not your servants. You do not put your foot or any part of your body down. What a bitch you are. Help the with suggestions not demands.

The PP is totally right. The house is clearly too much for the parents to handle, for whatever reason. They never lived like that before why do you think it's fine for them to live in a situation like this now? They need to be in a more manageable place and it is fine to sit down and talk to them about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

+1

This is the most reasonable advice here.

(And no, I don’t think it’s reasonable to somehow “demand” a competent adult fix-up their house. Unless things have gotten to the point where you are looking to a court to award you guardianship, you have to take “no” for an answer.)

Plus 2

I would consider hiring a cleaning lady for them however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could their kids (and possibly the spouses, also) just go over and say, hey, Mom and Dad, we’re here to help out around the house today. And then, just get out the vacuum and mop and have at it. Maybe just go ahead and make arrangements to have the dishwasher fixed or replaced.

I think just pitching in and doing what needs to be done may be the best way to handle the situation.

Who has time for this? Also, unless you’re willing to give up all you’re weekends to clean their house, it’s not going to change. Houses have to be cleaned regularly, it’s not something you do once.

They need to hire a weekly cleaner immediately. AND they need to downsize in the near future. Anything else is enabling.

A lot of people make time to help their elderly parents on a regular basis. I agree that a weekly cleaning service is ideal, but some people do not have the money.