ILs house is disgusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

Agree wholeheartedly. So easy to judge right now.

+1 And you sound like you need to reduce some of your neuroses. Just because their house isn't clean, doesn't mean you are going to get food poisoning when they make dinner (if you had, presumably you would have mentioned it.)

Nope - you people are way off base. Are you also elderly?
It’s not mean spirited - the house is filthy, in bad shape and is need of repairs. Those are facts, facts are not ‘mean spirited’.
And yes they could get food poisoning if the kitchen is filthy and not fully functional.
The parents need to be accepting help to fix the place up. No more ‘gentle suggestions’- they need to agree to fix the shower and the mold now and they need to have weekly thorough house cleanings.

Nope, I'm young and I also understand science, and know our bodies can handle more dirt than proper society may deem appropriate.
https://www.annallergy.org/article/S1081-1206(18)30382-X/abstract

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

Put YOUR foot down? lol
Exactly who do you think you are to make demands of these people?
You're not their blood...

You're not their "daughter", you're their "daughter in-law" & you've got absolutely no say or authority to "put your foot down" and demand ANYTHING.

Oh, let me guess... you'd use your kids to make threats that they'd never see them as long as the house is messy, right?
Use the old emotional extortion threat, right??

I'm sure they'll take things much more seriously now, especially since it's coming from YOU (someone who's opinion is clearly more important than their own childrens.... at least in your own delusional eyes that is).
If only you'd started making such life changing demands of these grown adults sooner, lol.

Do us all a favor... please get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

Put YOUR foot down? lol
Exactly who do you think you are to make demands of these people?
You're not their blood...

You're not their "daughter", you're their "daughter in-law" & you've got absolutely no say or authority to "put your foot down" and demand ANYTHING.

Oh, let me guess... you'd use your kids to make threats that they'd never see them as long as the house is messy, right?
Use the old emotional extortion threat, right??

I'm sure they'll take things much more seriously now, especially since it's coming from YOU (someone who's opinion is clearly more important than their own childrens.... at least in your own delusional eyes that is).
If only you'd started making such life changing demands of these grown adults sooner, lol.

Do us all a favor... please get over yourself.

These people are allowing their beloved, formerly immaculate house to fall apart. When that starts to happen the value of their property goes down hill with each passing year while their living situation deteriorates. You either bury your head in the sand and say "I don't want to see this!!" OR you start the talk with them about downsizing into a more manageable environment while they can still get decent money for their home.

It's a hard reality for some people to accept but this situation is not going to get better. Few adult children can afford the time and money to be taking care of their parents' routine maintenance, home repairs and house cleaning. I'll bet the yard is a complete disaster, too.

The house is too big and too much for them. Time to downsize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

Put YOUR foot down? lol
Exactly who do you think you are to make demands of these people?
You're not their blood...

You're not their "daughter", you're their "daughter in-law" & you've got absolutely no say or authority to "put your foot down" and demand ANYTHING.

Oh, let me guess... you'd use your kids to make threats that they'd never see them as long as the house is messy, right?
Use the old emotional extortion threat, right??

I'm sure they'll take things much more seriously now, especially since it's coming from YOU (someone who's opinion is clearly more important than their own childrens.... at least in your own delusional eyes that is).
If only you'd started making such life changing demands of these grown adults sooner, lol.

Do us all a favor... please get over yourself.

These people are allowing their beloved, formerly immaculate house to fall apart. When that starts to happen the value of their property goes down hill with each passing year while their living situation deteriorates. You either bury your head in the sand and say "I don't want to see this!!" OR you start the talk with them about downsizing into a more manageable environment while they can still get decent money for their home.

It's a hard reality for some people to accept but this situation is not going to get better. Few adult children can afford the time and money to be taking care of their parents' routine maintenance, home repairs and house cleaning. I'll bet the yard is a complete disaster, too.

The house is too big and too much for them. Time to downsize.

NP here. It’s time for a family conversation now. Don’t wait! I speak from experience and the situation will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

My parents are also in their early 70s and something slightly similar is going on. They have a larger older house that I grew up in and they have traditionally always been proactive in keeping it in good shape and maintained, but in recent years the pace of the upkeep has decidedly slowed down. They still have repairs and things done, but instead of getting on the phone to the plumbers or painters or roofers right away, they wait six months before making a decision. I find it odd as money is not an issue here. The other, and perhaps more pressing, problem is cleaning. They still have a weekly cleaning woman, but she's the same woman who's cleaned for them for 30 years now and she's also old, and she really does not clean properly any more. And my parents don't clean what she doesn't clean. They simply just don't see the dirt or accumulating grime on the kitchen lights or in the corner or the niches along the paneling and baseboards. It's not bad (so far) but there's no question that as they age they are not looking at things the same way they would have ten years ago. The urgency isn't there any more. I point things out to them and they are always either defensive or surprised. Then they still don't do anything. I've offered to pay for another cleaner but they refuse to accept it. I see no evidence of dementia or decline in faculties as they have very active social lives.

I have to laugh a bit because I remember my mother talking about her own grandmother and my mother's mother and aunt getting worried that the grandmother just wasn't seeing the dirt and grease and grime any more.

I do wish my parents would sell up and move into something more manageable. I'm not sure why they feel attached to a large house on a large lot at their age. I have already promised myself I will never be trapped by my house.

[Anonymous]

Definitely time for your DH and his sister to have a come to Jesus talk with their parents. They need to convince them to downsize. In the meantime, fix their house as best you can so it sells easier, get a more frequent house cleaner for them, and drop in on them more often (if possible) to keep an eye on the situation.

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. In my case it's less of an issue for me because my parents are across the country, but their house is an absolute wreck. They have always been messy people, but this is another level...rugs covering the damaged subfloor (flooring had to be torn out awhile ago); rotting food in the kitchen pantries, on the counters in and the fridge; leaking showers and who knows what kind of mold from the water damage. Their deck is above the garage and unusable...could cave right onto their cars at any time. That's hardly an exhaustive list, but you get the idea.

I never go there, so I just hear about it from my siblings that do visit. I try to talk to them about it, offer to connect them with contractors, realtors, handymen, you name it. They either have some kind of excuse or tell me they don't have time/money. Money probably is a problem, in that instead of budgeting for repairs, they blow it on things like expensive vacations and huge grocery bills for food that ends up being wasted.

I don't know why they are OK living in what is almost literally a crap hole, but they are. I just make it clear that they are welcome to visit us any time but we are not coming to that house. Ever. They don't like it, but oh well. Until/unless they hand over power of attorney and strings-free permission to repair/renovate and sell, I'm staying out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. In my case it's less of an issue for me because my parents are across the country, but their house is an absolute wreck. They have always been messy people, but this is another level...rugs covering the damaged subfloor (flooring had to be torn out awhile ago); rotting food in the kitchen pantries, on the counters in and the fridge; leaking showers and who knows what kind of mold from the water damage. Their deck is above the garage and unusable...could cave right onto their cars at any time. That's hardly an exhaustive list, but you get the idea.

I never go there, so I just hear about it from my siblings that do visit. I try to talk to them about it, offer to connect them with contractors, realtors, handymen, you name it. They either have some kind of excuse or tell me they don't have time/money. Money probably is a problem, in that instead of budgeting for repairs, they blow it on things like expensive vacations and huge grocery bills for food that ends up being wasted.

I don't know why they are OK living in what is almost literally a crap hole, but they are. I just make it clear that they are welcome to visit us any time but we are not coming to that house. Ever. They don't like it, but oh well. Until/unless they hand over power of attorney and strings-free permission to repair/renovate and sell, I'm staying out of it.

I'm afraid that this is becoming my mom. She's always been messy. She's 66 (not old) and it's getting worse. She says I'm not allowed in her house because of a plumbing problem. She probably does have a plumbing problem but I'm pretty sure she could afford to get it fixed. Or, at least afford to do something with it. She kinda kept it together when I was a kid but all bets are off now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

Put YOUR foot down? lol
Exactly who do you think you are to make demands of these people?
You're not their blood...

You're not their "daughter", you're their "daughter in-law" & you've got absolutely no say or authority to "put your foot down" and demand ANYTHING.

Oh, let me guess... you'd use your kids to make threats that they'd never see them as long as the house is messy, right?
Use the old emotional extortion threat, right??

I'm sure they'll take things much more seriously now, especially since it's coming from YOU (someone who's opinion is clearly more important than their own childrens.... at least in your own delusional eyes that is).
If only you'd started making such life changing demands of these grown adults sooner, lol.

DP - You Sound crazy AF, and your place is probably filthy.
Do us all a favor... please get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

But wait, whenever I or anyone else mentions not wanting children on this website, I am told, “who will take care of you when you’re old and can’t anymore?” So, sounds like it’s time for you guys to step up and start caring for them since they can’t do it alone. It’s obviously the main reason people have children around here since it’s constantly thrown in the face of anyone who is childless. So, get with it and fulfill your life’s purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they're overwhelmed. I would aim to fix the mold first. That spreads.

"Dad, this mold thing is really worrisome. I know a guy who does this - can I bring him over?" And then just kind of ... take over the issue.

This is what we're having to do for my FIL - he has a "plan" to fix stuff but the smell of his house is just pervasive damp at this point. We might end up having to put on a new roof, but if we don't step in now I'm worried the cost is going to be astronomical.

[Anonymous]

There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There may be reasons why your family are no longer taking care of their home well. It could be their vision isn't great. It could be depression or finances. It could just be inertia when it comes to dealing with things that are not entirely pleasant.

That said, for the most part the problems that you cite are not health and safety emergencies right now. The problems are enough that I wouldn't love eating at their house, however. It's important to remember that you can't control others, only your own reaction. You can say something. You can even say that it's bothersome enough that you don't want to do family meals with the in-laws. But as long as they are of sound minds and bodies, you really can't take charge of their home and decisions about that home.

mold and dirt are health issues. You do not wait until something is an emergency to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are also in their early 70s and something slightly similar is going on. They have a larger older house that I grew up in and they have traditionally always been proactive in keeping it in good shape and maintained, but in recent years the pace of the upkeep has decidedly slowed down. They still have repairs and things done, but instead of getting on the phone to the plumbers or painters or roofers right away, they wait six months before making a decision. I find it odd as money is not an issue here. The other, and perhaps more pressing, problem is cleaning. They still have a weekly cleaning woman, but she's the same woman who's cleaned for them for 30 years now and she's also old, and she really does not clean properly any more. And my parents don't clean what she doesn't clean. They simply just don't see the dirt or accumulating grime on the kitchen lights or in the corner or the niches along the paneling and baseboards. It's not bad (so far) but there's no question that as they age they are not looking at things the same way they would have ten years ago. The urgency isn't there any more. I point things out to them and they are always either defensive or surprised. Then they still don't do anything. I've offered to pay for another cleaner but they refuse to accept it. I see no evidence of dementia or decline in faculties as they have very active social lives.

I have to laugh a bit because I remember my mother talking about her own grandmother and my mother's mother and aunt getting worried that the grandmother just wasn't seeing the dirt and grease and grime any more.

I do wish my parents would sell up and move into something more manageable. I'm not sure why they feel attached to a large house on a large lot at their age. I have already promised myself I will never be trapped by my house.

Yikes. I sure hope that no one comes into my house doing a white glove test because I'd fail it, too, based on those standards. I've still got kids at home, too, so there is no downsizing in my immediate future, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

But wait, whenever I or anyone else mentions not wanting children on this website, I am told, “who will take care of you when you’re old and can’t anymore?” So, sounds like it’s time for you guys to step up and start caring for them since they can’t do it alone. It’s obviously the main reason people have children around here since it’s constantly thrown in the face of anyone who is childless. So, get with it and fulfill your life’s purpose.

I assume you have parents, right? You can help your parents to downsize by helping them to get rid of unwanted/unneeded items - sell, give away, throw away. You can visit places that might be more appropriate for their needs. You help them do minor repairs to get the house ready for sale. You clean up the yard to get the house ready for sale. Your parents may need help with none of it, some of it or all of it. But you can be there for them no matter how it all is handled. Ideally, parents will do the bulk of this stuff themselves and not heavily rely on their kids to do it all for them.