ILs house is disgusting

[Anonymous]

My in laws are in their early 70s and still in good health, thankfully. They are active and live a pretty healthy lifestyle. However, for the past year or so DH and I have noticed that their house is really dirty and kind of a wreck. They still live in the same big house where DH and his siblings grew up, but they really just use a couple of the rooms at this point. They do have a cleaning lady come once a month but they either need someone more frequently or to start cleaning things up themselves.

The kitchen and dining room are covered in grime. The floor has crumbs, tables and surfaces are not wiped off. The dishwasher broke about 6 months ago and they either are too lazy or don’t want to pay to get it fixed. Dishes are piled up and it’s like they just clean one or two a day (or maybe they are saving them from the cleaning lady). When they serve you something chances are the silverware and dishes are not very clean.

Their master bath had a leak and they chose to do nothing and just use a different bathroom in the house. However, the leak has destroyed the ceiling and wall in their living room and there is now some mold you can see developing. The rest of the house is extremely dusty as well.

His parents have always been really need and clean so this is a bit disturbing. DH has tried to gently discuss it with his parents, as has his sister, but they get so offended. It’s not a money issue, but dH even offered to pay for the cleaning lady to come once a week. They thought he was being ridiculous.

The biggest issue is that they love to host family dinners and I literally can’t stand eating anything at their house.

Anyone been through this? What can we do to help get things cleaned up?

[Anonymous]

I'd be grossed out too.

Unfortunately, if it were overnight stays, I'd get a hotel definitely, but can't avoid meals there sometimes. I'd just wash my plates and such discreetly before eating, if possible and take plenty of Lysol wipes with me =/

[Anonymous]

Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the first signs that things are starting to go south aging-wise. Like finding a repairperson is too complex of an undertaking. You need to get your DH to step in and ask them what kind of help they need to maintain their home.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what's going on there. People in their early 70's who are reasonably active, healthy and well known for being neat freaks don't usually become slobs like that.

It sounds as though they can't afford home repairs and, if that's the case, maybe that's making them depressed about their house and they've simply lost their pride of ownership, yet, don't know where else to go. But you say it's not a money issue with them....Are you absolutely sure of that?

Honestly they probably need to downsize to a smaller place and have a cleaning lady come at least biweekly.

If you took pictures of the leak, the broken dishwasher, the dust, the crumbs, the mold and sat down and showed those pictures to them do you think they would finally see and acknowledge the problem?

[Anonymous]

I think DH and his sister need to gently push the issue and focus on repairs and anything blatantly unsanitary..general mess can be fine (to a point). They should also check in about their mental health..

I wouldn’t stay overnight there but I’d think you could eat there if these things are addressed..

[Anonymous]

Are they depressed? Maybe they feel like it’s all too much to handle. Or maybe their eyesight is going. You don’t seem particularly well-meaning (you sound more critical than anything else) but if this is a sudden change I’d take it as a sign that something is really wrong somewhere and approach it from a place of “How can we help?” Instead of “Ew, I can’t eat here.”

[Anonymous]

When the house is starting to fall apart, it's time to downsize. They seem young for that, but if they've reached that stage, they've reached that stage.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they're overwhelmed. I would aim to fix the mold first. That spreads.

"Dad, this mold thing is really worrisome. I know a guy who does this - can I bring him over?" And then just kind of ... take over the issue.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, I would put my foot down. This is an unmistakable sign of needing to downsize and accept help, or move to a home. Please heavily insist they move NOW. Otherwise it will get harder and harder for them to move later, because they will get even less rational and physically more frail. At some point, moving will become a death sentence. Don't let it get to that point.

[Anonymous]

Could their kids (and possibly the spouses, also) just go over and say, hey, Mom and Dad, we’re here to help out around the house today. And then, just get out the vacuum and mop and have at it. Maybe just go ahead and make arrangements to have the dishwasher fixed or replaced.

I think just pitching in and doing what needs to be done may be the best way to handle the situation.

[Anonymous]

I think it's time to have a chat with them and tell them that the house is too big for them to manage. It's time for them to downsize into something smaller.

Houses can be a lot of work, especially an ageing house.

I would stop going to family dinners they are hosting there. They can be offended all they like but it's time they accepted reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

Agree wholeheartedly. So easy to judge right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

Agree wholeheartedly. So easy to judge right now.

+1 And you sound like you need to reduce some of your neuroses. Just because their house isn't clean, doesn't mean you are going to get food poisoning when they make dinner (if you had, presumably you would have mentioned it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Perhaps you can hire a cleaning service for them?

I am a neat freak so I get what you are saying but your post was incredibly mean spirited in my opinion.

I hope you are just as perfect as you are now when you are in your 70's.

Agree wholeheartedly. So easy to judge right now.

+1 And you sound like you need to reduce some of your neuroses. Just because their house isn't clean, doesn't mean you are going to get food poisoning when they make dinner (if you had, presumably you would have mentioned it.)

Nope - you people are way off base. Are you also elderly?
It’s not mean spirited - the house is filthy, in bad shape and is need of repairs. Those are facts, facts are not ‘mean spirited’.
And yes they could get food poisoning if the kitchen is filthy and not fully functional.
The parents need to be accepting help to fix the place up. No more ‘gentle suggestions’- they need to agree to fix the shower and the mold now and they need to have weekly thorough house cleanings.