Do you stay friends with the families that bail for the suburbs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that I stay to connected to parents who move to the burbs (and WotP) IF the families were close to us during their DC years, IF they make an effort to keep up with us, and IF they don't subject us to emotional put-downs us for staying EotP.

In these relationships, from time to find I find myself politely challenging hints that newly-minted little suburbanites are getting a vastly superior education to ours. For example, I point out that we're realized how lucky we are to live a 2-minute walk from an excellent public library along with a 3-minute walk from the public middle school our children will attend. I also like to point out that my children's upper grades academic elementary school classes are generally taught by two teachers (one paid for by the PTA) in rooms with no more than 22 or 23 kids. I hear reports, particularly from MoCo, of a single teacher contending with up to 30 kids in the public elementary schools these families fled to, including in high-octane GT programs.

On a bright note, when I challenge, the reception I usually get is positive, along the lines of "Good for you for staying in the City despite the extra work involved to ensure that your kids get a great education." Fair enough, one surely has to work harder to make that happen in DC public schools than in those in tony suburbs. No point in being thinned-skinned when this is pointed out, or in failing to push back a little to point out that the big picture can be terrific for one's older DCPS student.

You sound insecure. Who cares...do the best for your family and don’t spend so much time arguing about it.

Not the poster you're responding to. Call PPs names much?

It's good to push back when smug + poorly informed suburbanites run down the highest-performing public schools here. I've been there many times over the years.

Parents who bail from cultural rich historic neighborhoods in the District for blah suburbs, then turn around and slam those who stayed for neglecting their children are definitely insecure...

I’m sorry I know no one is critiquing DCPS schools. I’m sure at most they are saying their kids love the new school and enjoy the coursework and lunches or some suck chit chat. Very few are rude enough to voice real concern about other people’s choices. OP just sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that I stay to connected to parents who move to the burbs (and WotP) IF the families were close to us during their DC years, IF they make an effort to keep up with us, and IF they don't subject us to emotional put-downs us for staying EotP.

In these relationships, from time to find I find myself politely challenging hints that newly-minted little suburbanites are getting a vastly superior education to ours. For example, I point out that we're realized how lucky we are to live a 2-minute walk from an excellent public library along with a 3-minute walk from the public middle school our children will attend. I also like to point out that my children's upper grades academic elementary school classes are generally taught by two teachers (one paid for by the PTA) in rooms with no more than 22 or 23 kids. I hear reports, particularly from MoCo, of a single teacher contending with up to 30 kids in the public elementary schools these families fled to, including in high-octane GT programs.

On a bright note, when I challenge, the reception I usually get is positive, along the lines of "Good for you for staying in the City despite the extra work involved to ensure that your kids get a great education." Fair enough, one surely has to work harder to make that happen in DC public schools than in those in tony suburbs. No point in being thinned-skinned when this is pointed out, or in failing to push back a little to point out that the big picture can be terrific for one's older DCPS student.

You sound insecure. Who cares...do the best for your family and don’t spend so much time arguing about it.

Not the poster you're responding to. Call PPs names much?

It's good to push back when smug + poorly informed suburbanites run down the highest-performing public schools here. I've been there many times over the years.

Parents who bail from cultural rich historic neighborhoods in the District for blah suburbs, then turn around and slam those who stayed for neglecting their children are definitely insecure...

Outside of DCUM, who does this? Seriously have you ever had an in person conversation with someone where they disparaged your school? Also: again as a DC native stop with mine is better than yours. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Mocking people for where they live is just sad.

[Anonymous]

Wow,the post struck a nerve. White flighters gonna flight.

[Anonymous]

People still use the term “bail”? Is it 2012?

[Anonymous]

It’s dumb to make friends based on your kids anyway! Make your own friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s dumb to make friends based on your kids anyway! Make your own friendships.

How? Honest question. We are new to DC. 3 kids. Busy jobs. We have almost no free time outside of kids and their busy school schedules and sports teams. We have made some friends with coworkers but they live all over the DMV--as far as 2 hours away from DC.

[Anonymous]

My perspective is slightly different than OP's, but I kind of get where she's coming from. I know a number of people who were super gung-ho about supporting their local schools, not bailing for the suburbs on the basis of schools alone, etc. I would say that since my now-4th grader entered DCPS when she was 3, most of her friends' families have been playing the lottery every year to try to trade up. EOTP until a year or two ago, that was still a reliable backup plan. Last year, one of her best friends switched to private school and didn't tell anyone. She just wasn't there the first day of school and didn't show up later in the year. It was really hard for DD, particularly because we did not have the opportunity to continue the friendship. With other friends who have left the city, we have been able to continue the friendships in various ways, but it's always been rooted in the friendships being reciprocal. We go to the BBQs in Bethesda. They come downtown for brunch and museums. That sort of thing. I do not take it personally when my friend who moved to Bethesda is excited about her new house with a great yard in a great neighborhood with a lot of kids. I have never felt like the comments about how nice it is to live there were a dig at me for making a different choice. But I also notice that those kinds of comments die down a lot once it's no longer new. Maybe OP's friends are jerks. Maybe they are just excited about this new change in their lives. Maybe neither of those things is true and OP is the jerk.

[Anonymous]

Good God. We made the move to the burbs two years ago and are still friends with and visit back and forth with our child's friends and their parents. I hope my "brags" about my kid being happy at school are taken simply for what they are worth, comments about my child's situation at school and not commentary on DCPS. If you are happy in DCPS, good on you. Different strokes for different folks. Try the breathe app or something and chill. Not everyone's personal choice is a reflection on you and your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t something to sweat. Many “friendships” among families with kids in this region are somewhat superficial and based on the fact that the parents or kids struck up a friendship in the neighborhood or at pre-school/elementary. When those ties are severed, the friendships tend to die quickly, aggravated by the fact that people around here are so busy. It might be different if you or your kids have developed really close friendships with these families that are leaving, but that doesn’t sound like the case here. They are more interested in fitting in with their new neighbors, and you’re ready to judge them for it as well, so just move on.

+1 I grew up here and have old friends who live in the city. I am amused/annoyed by the cliquey parent friendships based on their young children’s school attendance, often combined with being neighbors. These “friendships” are what older generations would consider just being neighbors, but some of these folks take it very seriously and personally if you don’t stay at the same school and stay in the same house.

If the kids miss each other, make an effort. Otherwise, look for adult friends based on your shared values, not your kids and your address - it is much more fulfilling and lasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want a bunch of upper SES white people to stay so your schools looks like the schools that you decry. You want your cake and eat it too and you’re bitter others aren’t playing their part in your fantasy. They moved because that is where what they want is. You want what you want to come to you.

OP will never admit this, because it doesn't comport with her view of herself, but this is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t something to sweat. Many “friendships” among families with kids in this region are somewhat superficial and based on the fact that the parents or kids struck up a friendship in the neighborhood or at pre-school/elementary. When those ties are severed, the friendships tend to die quickly, aggravated by the fact that people around here are so busy. It might be different if you or your kids have developed really close friendships with these families that are leaving, but that doesn’t sound like the case here. They are more interested in fitting in with their new neighbors, and you’re ready to judge them for it as well, so just move on.

+1 I grew up here and have old friends who live in the city. I am amused/annoyed by the cliquey parent friendships based on their young children’s school attendance, often combined with being neighbors. These “friendships” are what older generations would consider just being neighbors, but some of these folks take it very seriously and personally if you don’t stay at the same school and stay in the same house.

If the kids miss each other, make an effort. Otherwise, look for adult friends based on your shared values, not your kids and your address - it is much more fulfilling and lasting.

+1. It's called mom friends. They are a different sort of friend/good acquaintance, not unlike those office friends you feel close to but drift away from when someone takes a new position. You are thrown together and connect over being in the same place in life, and the common bond of kids, PTOs, etc. I've had one or two genuine friendships develop out of the dozen or so I had when my kids are young. In those cases, our kids aren't friends anymore as they developed different interests. Occasionally we get together with the other families (as opposed to just the moms) and the kids seem to not mind the time together - but they are more like the distant cousins you see once or twice a year. Which IMO is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that I stay to connected to parents who move to the burbs (and WotP) IF the families were close to us during their DC years, IF they make an effort to keep up with us, and IF they don't subject us to emotional put-downs us for staying EotP.

In these relationships, from time to find I find myself politely challenging hints that newly-minted little suburbanites are getting a vastly superior education to ours. For example, I point out that we're realized how lucky we are to live a 2-minute walk from an excellent public library along with a 3-minute walk from the public middle school our children will attend. I also like to point out that my children's upper grades academic elementary school classes are generally taught by two teachers (one paid for by the PTA) in rooms with no more than 22 or 23 kids. I hear reports, particularly from MoCo, of a single teacher contending with up to 30 kids in the public elementary schools these families fled to, including in high-octane GT programs.

On a bright note, when I challenge, the reception I usually get is positive, along the lines of "Good for you for staying in the City despite the extra work involved to ensure that your kids get a great education." Fair enough, one surely has to work harder to make that happen in DC public schools than in those in tony suburbs. No point in being thinned-skinned when this is pointed out, or in failing to push back a little to point out that the big picture can be terrific for one's older DCPS student.

You sound insecure. Who cares...do the best for your family and don’t spend so much time arguing about it.

Not the poster you're responding to. Call PPs names much?

It's good to push back when smug + poorly informed suburbanites run down the highest-performing public schools here. I've been there many times over the years.

Parents who bail from cultural rich historic neighborhoods in the District for blah suburbs, then turn around and slam those who stayed for neglecting their children are definitely insecure...

Outside of DCUM, who does this? Seriously have you ever had an in person conversation with someone where they disparaged your school? Also: again as a DC native stop with mine is better than yours. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Mocking people for where they live is just sad.

I've have a good number of such conversations in our neighborhood on Capitol Hill over the years, but not with parents who bailed for the burbs. The parents who disparage our DCPS in conversation are generally those who moved on from DCPS to independent schools locally. They need to justify their substantial outlay for tuition. Believing the worst of the local DCPS (which can take some work where JKLM, Brent, Maury etc. are concerned in 2019) helps them do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a bunch of upper SES white people to stay so your schools looks like the schools that you decry. You want your cake and eat it too and you’re bitter others aren’t playing their part in your fantasy. They moved because that is where what they want is. You want what you want to come to you.

OP will never admit this, because it doesn't comport with her view of herself, but this is exactly right.

NP, and maybe. Or, maybe us educated white people are sick of other educated white people panicking and not owning their anxiety around public education. It's tiresome. Our next door neighbors recently decamped for a wealthier school district, and we were really disappointed. They're not white. I don't want an all-white school, all-wealthy school.

We live in one of the school districts in MoCo regularly slammed on DCUM, and I've gotten plenty of negative feedback IRL from people when they find out where we live. They're all white, they all claim to be liberal, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want a bunch of upper SES white people to stay so your schools looks like the schools that you decry. You want your cake and eat it too and you’re bitter others aren’t playing their part in your fantasy. They moved because that is where what they want is. You want what you want to come to you.

OP will never admit this, because it doesn't comport with her view of herself, but this is exactly right.

NP, and maybe. Or, maybe us educated white people are sick of other educated white people panicking and not owning their anxiety around public education. It's tiresome. Our next door neighbors recently decamped for a wealthier school district, and we were really disappointed. They're not white. I don't want an all-white school, all-wealthy school.

We live in one of the school districts in MoCo regularly slammed on DCUM, and I've gotten plenty of negative feedback IRL from people when they find out where we live. They're all white, they all claim to be liberal, etc.

So, you're unhappy that your highly educated friends moved to the burbs, because you want them to stay in your schools so they look like the schools you decry. If they don't, your schools will have too many low SES kids, and they won't be what you want them to be.

I know you think you're virtuous, but . . . not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that I stay to connected to parents who move to the burbs (and WotP) IF the families were close to us during their DC years, IF they make an effort to keep up with us, and IF they don't subject us to emotional put-downs us for staying EotP.

In these relationships, from time to find I find myself politely challenging hints that newly-minted little suburbanites are getting a vastly superior education to ours. For example, I point out that we're realized how lucky we are to live a 2-minute walk from an excellent public library along with a 3-minute walk from the public middle school our children will attend. I also like to point out that my children's upper grades academic elementary school classes are generally taught by two teachers (one paid for by the PTA) in rooms with no more than 22 or 23 kids. I hear reports, particularly from MoCo, of a single teacher contending with up to 30 kids in the public elementary schools these families fled to, including in high-octane GT programs.

On a bright note, when I challenge, the reception I usually get is positive, along the lines of "Good for you for staying in the City despite the extra work involved to ensure that your kids get a great education." Fair enough, one surely has to work harder to make that happen in DC public schools than in those in tony suburbs. No point in being thinned-skinned when this is pointed out, or in failing to push back a little to point out that the big picture can be terrific for one's older DCPS student.

You sound insecure. Who cares...do the best for your family and don’t spend so much time arguing about it.

Not the poster you're responding to. Call PPs names much?

It's good to push back when smug + poorly informed suburbanites run down the highest-performing public schools here. I've been there many times over the years.

Parents who bail from cultural rich historic neighborhoods in the District for blah suburbs, then turn around and slam those who stayed for neglecting their children are definitely insecure...

Outside of DCUM, who does this? Seriously have you ever had an in person conversation with someone where they disparaged your school? Also: again as a DC native stop with mine is better than yours. Everyone is just doing the best they can. Mocking people for where they live is just sad.

I've have a good number of such conversations in our neighborhood on Capitol Hill over the years, but not with parents who bailed for the burbs. The parents who disparage our DCPS in conversation are generally those who moved on from DCPS to independent schools locally. They need to justify their substantial outlay for tuition. Believing the worst of the local DCPS (which can take some work where JKLM, Brent, Maury etc. are concerned in 2019) helps them do this.

Yeah, I've had lots of conversations with people dumping on DCPS, either justifying their move to the 'burbs or the $40K in tuition they are shelling out per kid. It can be a little awkward, but since I think that our DCPS is serving our child well, I'm not shy about piping up and letting them know that we've been very happy. But yes, there are people who are insecure about their choice to leave DC for another school, and aren't content to just let it be about making the best choice for their family, but have to put down the alternatives and imply that they value their children's education and that parents who send their kids to public school don't. We have friends who have kids in all kinds of different schools, but none with that kind of attitude.

As to the staying friends, if it was my kid's friends, it would depend on how far away they lived and whether they were willing to make the effort, too. We're willing to spend the time to maintain her friendships, but it has to be reciprocal and reasonable. And if they were just acquaintances, then I'd just let it go.