Do you stay friends with the families that bail for the suburbs

[Anonymous]

Our oldest is starting 5th grade and lost 2 of his close friends this summer out of his class as their parents made the jump to “better school systems”. Others are talking about about doing the same next year. We are committed to sticking it out and bringing about the change the other families feel didn’t come fast enough on the Hill but I can’t help but feel that they are abandoning the community and us to the point they are part of the problem with the middle schools. We went to one of their BBQs up in Bethesda last week and had to sit there while they raved about how much better it was and others changed the conversation when we told that we were stying. I couldn’t help but feel every brag was a shot at us.

Considering that kids drift away, I just want to cut the ties and focus on the families that share our values but how do you explain that to kids who simply don’t grasp the bigger issues?

[Anonymous]

The kids friendships aren’t based on “the bigger issues”. If you don’t want to hang with the parents, that’s fine, but I’d still support the friendship between the kids as long as they are interested. It will most likely fade out in another year or two anyway, but if the kids want to see each other, I’d let them.

[Anonymous]

No, honestly, I’m to busy to drive an hour to socialize with anyone but the best of friends. If my kids wanted to though, I’d make it happen.

I find it odd that you think you don’t share the same values because of one thing. Presumably you both value a high quality education—you just are going about it different ways. I say this gently, but your post comes across as being very insecure in your choice. If you truly believed you were making the right choice, you wouldn’t see other’s happiness as a dig at your choices.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not, unless the kids were really good friends.

We've been on the Hill since PK3, and people ALWAYS leave, for different reasons. Some on our block chose charters (despite the fact that our zoned school is excellet); others get moved overseas for work; and yeah, some sell out and move to the suburbs. The only thing that really bothers me is that when the suburb-movers had previously pretended to be big boosters of DCPS and acting all like they were so authentic & urban. Then it's "oh, we just needed a bigger yard for our dogs!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, honestly, I’m to busy to drive an hour to socialize with anyone but the best of friends. If my kids wanted to though, I’d make it happen.

I find it odd that you think you don’t share the same values because of one thing. Presumably you both value a high quality education—you just are going about it different ways. I say this gently, but your post comes across as being very insecure in your choice. If you truly believed you were making the right choice, you wouldn’t see other’s happiness as a dig at your choices.

No, I totally get it. On the Hill it is very much a collective action problem, so it's frustrating to see it play out over and over again.

[Anonymous]

I would not stay friends with you because you sound super competitive and insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, honestly, I’m to busy to drive an hour to socialize with anyone but the best of friends. If my kids wanted to though, I’d make it happen.

I find it odd that you think you don’t share the same values because of one thing. Presumably you both value a high quality education—you just are going about it different ways. I say this gently, but your post comes across as being very insecure in your choice. If you truly believed you were making the right choice, you wouldn’t see other’s happiness as a dig at your choices.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Okay, first start by taking that damn chip off your shoulder. That will go a long way for you, OP. Instead, embrace the notion that everyone is doing the best they can for their own family. You decided to stay in DC because that’s what was best for your family. And some people moved out of the city because that’s what was best for them. No judgment.

If you’re at a bbq and people are making direct snide comments to you about living in DC, then tell them to go to hell and stop judging. And if they’re your supposed “friends,” drop them. At most, you can feel sad for them that they have to cut down someone else’s experience to feel better about themselves.

As for your kid, I don’t see what the problem is. If he wants to connect with his friend that moved to Bethesda, you and the parent can work out a time for them to connect. But that doesn’t mean you have to be BFF’s with the parents. Now if your disdain for the friend’s parents is such that you can’t even handle arranging a time for 5th graders to connect, that’s on you, and it’s not a good look.

Stop being insecure and defensive about your decision to stay in the city. And stop judging others for moving. It’s just so draining. Focus on being happy for yourself and others.

—signed a DC parent all the way PK-12

[Anonymous]

Maybe if your kid made diverse friends like your naïve ideals instead of just clustering with the higher SES kids, then all their friends wouldn’t be leaving. But that is just about what always happens so maybe it is the other parents who are acting based on reality instead of some bubblegum dreams and living i side their natural clusters instead of chasing them. They already left you behind, I doubt they’ll notice if you return the favor. Those type of play dates rarely continue after the first summer away.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t something to sweat. Many “friendships” among families with kids in this region are somewhat superficial and based on the fact that the parents or kids struck up a friendship in the neighborhood or at pre-school/elementary. When those ties are severed, the friendships tend to die quickly, aggravated by the fact that people around here are so busy. It might be different if you or your kids have developed really close friendships with these families that are leaving, but that doesn’t sound like the case here. They are more interested in fitting in with their new neighbors, and you’re ready to judge them for it as well, so just move on.

[Anonymous]

I would just tell the kids those friends live too far away. If the Bethesda parents want to drive in to visit that’s fine, but I wouldn’t be making the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if your kid made diverse friends like your naïve ideals instead of just clustering with the higher SES kids, then all their friends wouldn’t be leaving. But that is just about what always happens so maybe it is the other parents who are acting based on reality instead of some bubblegum dreams and living i side their natural clusters instead of chasing them. They already left you behind, I doubt they’ll notice if you return the favor. Those type of play dates rarely continue after the first summer away.

This. Op you are a piece of work. I feel for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Those were your friends or your child's? If child's, they better be really good friends for me to drive out there, and I would.
Going out there should be about friendship and not listening who has it "better". We are staying in DC because we think it's better for us and we are well aware how families who have moved feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our oldest is starting 5th grade and lost 2 of his close friends this summer out of his class as their parents made the jump to “better school systems”. Others are talking about about doing the same next year. We are committed to sticking it out and bringing about the change the other families feel didn’t come fast enough on the Hill but I can’t help but feel that they are abandoning the community and us to the point they are part of the problem with the middle schools. We went to one of their BBQs up in Bethesda last week and had to sit there while they raved about how much better it was and others changed the conversation when we told that we were stying. I couldn’t help but feel every brag was a shot at us.

Considering that kids drift away, I just want to cut the ties and focus on the families that share our values but how do you explain that to kids who simply don’t grasp the bigger issues?

This just screams that you are insecure with your own choices. And I get it, it's a bit of a gamble. Things likely will get better for DCPS, or parts of it, but it's no guarantee. And it's got to be nerve-wracking, deciding that your highest priority is social change, and knowing that you might not be putting your kids in the best situation possible for them, when you have the means to do so.

But, you have to stop taking it personally. They're excited about their move, they're excited about their new house, and even if they have regrets, they have to *act* like they don't, because I'm sure their kids aren't thrilled about leaving their friends, and if the parents show their qualms, it'll just make it the transition harder. Also, there are *some* things that are better about living in the suburbs than the city (just like there are *some* - I would say more - things better about living in the city than the 'burbs), and they're allowed to be excited about those things without you making it all about you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you seem insecure and like you have a chip on your shoulder. We live on the Hill and send our kids to public school and are also committed to staying here but what other people do is their business. Can you afford to move? Often the “we’re sticking it out because of principles” people are really doing it because they have no other choice. Not everyone - we could afford to move or go private and choose not to - but we also don’t take other people’s choices personally. This isn’t about you.