resentment of siblings who don't do anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

But parents choose to have children, not the other way around.

Don’t children owe their parents something for helping them get launched into the world as independent adults? With the exception of abusive or neglectful parents? I think there are too many adult children who expect their parents to give to them until the day they die without having to give back or shoulder any responsibility for parental care.

[Anonymous]

I was the one who did all the work taking care of my father the last seven years of his life. My two siblings would visit once every 18 months or so and would sometimes call on his birthday, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I was the least favored child, too. I also got my father's house ready for sale, went through the sale process, and got his estate set up in revocable and irrevocable trusts so the proceeds would be distributed easily after his death.

There were definitely some low points those seven years. Do I wish they had done more? Absolutely. But I had no control over what they did. I could only control my own actions. I feel that I did the very best that I could, and I was glad to be there during his last days and be able to say goodbye. I have no regrets. I gave my siblings ample opportunity to visit, and they didn't do it, even during the last two months when I told them he was failing fast. Now they wish they had done things differently. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

But parents choose to have children, not the other way around.

Don’t children owe their parents something for helping them get launched into the world as independent adults? With the exception of abusive or neglectful parents? I think there are too many adult children who expect their parents to give to them until the day they die without having to give back or shoulder any responsibility for parental care.

Well I'm quite biased being the product of a borderline mother with a savior complex. I don't think it's healthy to think that someone who had no choice but to exist because of your decision to procreate is in debt to you for anything. Many parents like to think they're altruistic for having children but what they say ("You'll take care of me in my old age") indicates disingenous reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so easy to forget what our parents did for us as newborns. I’m trying hard to remember this with my own family. Their need is great, like a small child. To be in service of our parents this way comes as a surprise as they always were our caretakers. It’s difficult to make the leap that they are truly in need.

My message isn’t directly about your post, but I empathize.

But parents choose to have children, not the other way around.

Don’t children owe their parents something for helping them get launched into the world as independent adults? With the exception of abusive or neglectful parents? I think there are too many adult children who expect their parents to give to them until the day they die without having to give back or shoulder any responsibility for parental care.

I think so but I had normal, loving parents who never demanded payback. My siblings and I are happy to be there for them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our older parent passed away suddenly (they were quite self sufficient), but I hear you on the resentment, OP.

I was the one who did 95% of the house cleanout. One of my siblings never even visited the house (while still visiting the area a couple times a year), in the nearly 10 years we owned, emptied, renovated, rented, and eventually sold the house. I never got an extra cent from the estate. I don't know how people can't see outside of themselves.

If you are the executor you can pay yourself out of the estate for your time. I know this because my mother has made me her executor and has told EVERYONE that my time will be compensated out of the estate. I don't think my siblings would fight that, but I'm glad it's out there already.

Your mom sounds like a woman who knows about life and probably had to be a caregiver to her own parents. My mom complained incessantly about her sibling deciding to pay herself for the endless work she did while my mom did NADA. She had no empathy whatsoever. Now she expects me to be THAT sibling and she expects my siblings to do nothing.To be honest I don't want her money. I want some gratitude and respect and I will be delegating more to paid employees from their finances. The siblings will have a choice. Join in and do your part for free like I do, or I will decide what I can do for free and the rest will be done by people paid for by our parent's money.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you're female and possibly the eldest and you have brothers.

[Anonymous]

Call the out and tell them you need help. Hey joe, mom has a doctors appointment at 10 am on x day. Can you take her. Patty, can you do mom’s grocery shopping?

[Anonymous]

Is there money there? If so, simply give a choice. Can you take mom to the x procedure and stay overnight to monitor after or should I hire someone and take the money from her account?

I have found my siblings want an inheritance, but they don't want to do any labor. If it's a matter of you needing to be reimbursed for your time you could find out the going rate and say, "I can do this for x an hour or we can hire someone. Which do you prefer?" I don't think siblings understand the financial sacrifices made to be the caregiver and what it does to your career when you are taking off time and stressed out during work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the one who did all the work taking care of my father the last seven years of his life. My two siblings would visit once every 18 months or so and would sometimes call on his birthday, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I was the least favored child, too. I also got my father's house ready for sale, went through the sale process, and got his estate set up in revocable and irrevocable trusts so the proceeds would be distributed easily after his death.

There were definitely some low points those seven years. Do I wish they had done more? Absolutely. But I had no control over what they did. I could only control my own actions. I feel that I did the very best that I could, and I was glad to be there during his last days and be able to say goodbye. I have no regrets. I gave my siblings ample opportunity to visit, and they didn't do it, even during the last two months when I told them he was failing fast. Now they wish they had done things differently. It's sad.

I definitely focus on the “not having any regrets” aspect. In fact, when I start to feel resentful and unkind, I try to focus on that. I often vent to my, adult, children, but then realize that I am modeling for them how to care for an elderly parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there money there? If so, simply give a choice. Can you take mom to the x procedure and stay overnight to monitor after or should I hire someone and take the money from her account?

I have found my siblings want an inheritance, but they don't want to do any labor. If it's a matter of you needing to be reimbursed for your time you could find out the going rate and say, "I can do this for x an hour or we can hire someone. Which do you prefer?" I don't think siblings understand the financial sacrifices made to be the caregiver and what it does to your career when you are taking off time and stressed out during work.

Or make your own choice and start hiring things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there money there? If so, simply give a choice. Can you take mom to the x procedure and stay overnight to monitor after or should I hire someone and take the money from her account?

I have found my siblings want an inheritance, but they don't want to do any labor. If it's a matter of you needing to be reimbursed for your time you could find out the going rate and say, "I can do this for x an hour or we can hire someone. Which do you prefer?" I don't think siblings understand the financial sacrifices made to be the caregiver and what it does to your career when you are taking off time and stressed out during work.

Or make your own choice and start hiring things out.

The reason I suggest a choice is people get very crazy over their perceived inheritance. Sometimes you need to spell it out. You do this or we get someone to do it for a FEE. That way they are well aware money is coming out and why. They can step up to the plate or not, but they at least are being warned the money they think they somehow deserve will go toward care. Otherwise down the line you can expect some entitled jerks to make accusations and because their precious money isn't the amount they thought.

[Anonymous]

Suggest a rotation of care duties.

[Anonymous]

My dad and I do not have a good relationship. It is cordial but very distant. I’m local. My much younger sister has a significantly better relationship with him. She lives on the West Coast.

He flies her in to help him. She is not married and has no kids. I’ve told them both I’m willing to do whatever—drs appts, food shopping, dinner, whatever I can do. They both say thank you and then go about their business. I’ve also spoken to my sister about this and reiterated that I am here and will help with whatever she needs.

But the truth is that my dad does not want me; he wants my sister. For now, it works for them. I do feel that I’m not pulling my weight but I’m not sure what else I can do anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad and I do not have a good relationship. It is cordial but very distant. I’m local. My much younger sister has a significantly better relationship with him. She lives on the West Coast.

He flies her in to help him. She is not married and has no kids. I’ve told them both I’m willing to do whatever—drs appts, food shopping, dinner, whatever I can do. They both say thank you and then go about their business. I’ve also spoken to my sister about this and reiterated that I am here and will help with whatever she needs.

But the truth is that my dad does not want me; he wants my sister. For now, it works for them. I do feel that I’m not pulling my weight but I’m not sure what else I can do anymore.

I think you have done the right thing. Just periodically thank her for what she does and remind her again that you are willing to help. At some point she may get burned out and take you up on your offer. For now it sounds like they both are happy with how things are going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there money there? If so, simply give a choice. Can you take mom to the x procedure and stay overnight to monitor after or should I hire someone and take the money from her account?

I have found my siblings want an inheritance, but they don't want to do any labor. If it's a matter of you needing to be reimbursed for your time you could find out the going rate and say, "I can do this for x an hour or we can hire someone. Which do you prefer?" I don't think siblings understand the financial sacrifices made to be the caregiver and what it does to your career when you are taking off time and stressed out during work.

Or make your own choice and start hiring things out.

The reason I suggest a choice is people get very crazy over their perceived inheritance. Sometimes you need to spell it out. You do this or we get someone to do it for a FEE. That way they are well aware money is coming out and why. They can step up to the plate or not, but they at least are being warned the money they think they somehow deserve will go toward care. Otherwise down the line you can expect some entitled jerks to make accusations and because their precious money isn't the amount they thought.

This. Hire out as much as you can and be transparent.