resentment of siblings who don't do anything

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how some people can live with themselves. My sibling, for example, is a workaholic who claims to always be busy. Guess what? So am I, but I do 99.9% of the caretaking because I know it’s the right thing to do. When all is said and done, I’ll be able to sleep peacefully knowing that I did my best. I personally couldn’t live with the guilt of abandoning a family member the way my sibling has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how some people can live with themselves. My sibling, for example, is a workaholic who claims to always be busy. Guess what? So am I, but I do 99.9% of the caretaking because I know it’s the right thing to do. When all is said and done, I’ll be able to sleep peacefully knowing that I did my best. I personally couldn’t live with the guilt of abandoning a family member the way my sibling has.

This is how I feel. I am busy, too. I make the time, because I know it is the right thing to do.

I did the visiting and helping. Sibling then claimed I was the favorite. I agreed and said I probably was. I explained that helping and visiting people and calling them and helping with groceries/bills/house clean up develops a relationship with someone, and I had done all of that over many years. Ignoring them completely and visiting for a photo op does not. (It was true that this relative did not like my sibling due to his lack of interest, which was expressed rudely on many occasions.)

It's one thing to be lazy and do nothing and never visit and another to claim that the one who used vacations, etc to visit the relative is the "favorite."

Some people have 0 self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP: I am done.

I am done asking for help.
I am done suggesting alternative ways to help.
I am done explaining how trying to do it all on my own health, my finances, my career, my DH, and my children.
I am done hearing that I’m a saint.
I am done explaining that no, I was not the favored child nor did I get disproportionate time or money growing up.
I am done hoping they will come around.
I am done hearing that I should just walk away.
I am done hearing that what you allow to continue, you are accepting or however that shitty phrase goes.

I’ll do it, but I am done calling it anything other than what it really is: unfair.

It is unfair.

Life is not fair... but it is what it is.

True. But I’m going to stop protecting everyone else but me and my family by pretending this is fair.

[Anonymous]

I'm the one in my family who shoulders 99.999% of the burden. I've made peace with it. I really couldn't live with myself if I didn't. So when my brother and his wife start to complain about how BUSY they are and how MUCH they have to DO, I just leave the room. Whatever. They are jerks and leeches, and they are broken. There is nothing I can do to "fix" them so I am not even going to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one in my family who shoulders 99.999% of the burden. I've made peace with it. I really couldn't live with myself if I didn't. So when my brother and his wife start to complain about how BUSY they are and how MUCH they have to DO, I just leave the room. Whatever. They are jerks and leeches, and they are broken. There is nothing I can do to "fix" them so I am not even going to worry about it.

I need to adopt this attitude but it’s hard to do. My brother constantly complains about being overworked and underpaid, on-call all the time, with no time to take care of anything apart from his job. He could make some changes to his situation, but he won’t because his ego is so wrapped up in his job. It is what it is and I can’t change him. I just act as if I’m an only child, because it sure feels that way.

[Anonymous]

"We would be glad to have them step in and do something."

How would you feel if they step in and do something, wrong?

Some of these decisions/actions can have real consequences, as you well know.

What if they step in and do something, really wrong?

How would you deal with the situation if they did something you basically couldn't forgive them for?

It's totally unfair but they have gotten used to being blamed for not doing anything.

The last thing they want is to know that not only do you do more but you also do everything better.

If they really are as detached as you seem to think, they might be perfectly willing to forgive you if you make a bad call.

But could you do the same? If you couldn't forgive them, then that's why you have ended up doing it all.

I'm not trying to say it's fair. Just trying to explain that some people care too much about certain things to not be in charge.

Often, people who care that much can't imagine that others can feel differently.

[Anonymous]

OP:
- what exactly is he doing? You gave 1 example. One.

Re: most everyday things (you said only 1 extreme example, not everyday things) There is a wide difference in opinion re: what's necessary. And just because you think it's necessary, doesn't mean it is.

Doing "nothing", as you say, may be the best they can do .. All their energy is used in managing to not call you out on being a big pain in the @ass. They want to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

I stopped doing everything and they started.

Can you take mom to dentist? No.

Simple

[Anonymous]

How old is in law?

They need to go to an over 55 community or pay for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our older parent passed away suddenly (they were quite self sufficient), but I hear you on the resentment, OP.

I was the one who did 95% of the house cleanout. One of my siblings never even visited the house (while still visiting the area a couple times a year), in the nearly 10 years we owned, emptied, renovated, rented, and eventually sold the house. I never got an extra cent from the estate. I don't know how people can't see outside of themselves.

If you are the executor you can pay yourself out of the estate for your time. I know this because my mother has made me her executor and has told EVERYONE that my time will be compensated out of the estate. I don't think my siblings would fight that, but I'm glad it's out there already.

[Anonymous]

Can you take mom to dentist?

This is a great example. Not everyone would agree this is necessary. Not everyone would agree it's a good idea. When old, when no particular dental crisis. If outings are dangerous, worrisome, potential for falling, I'd say no dentist visit.

[Anonymous]

pp again, different opinions. If you think it's important, you take her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is in law?

They need to go to an over 55 community or pay for help.

As the daughter of someone in an assisted living facility, family still needs to be very involved in making sure that care is provided appropriately. Assisted living facilities have been known to ignore doctors orders, over-medicate or under-medicate, fail to transport a resident to the hospital when needed etc. They aren’t a place to warehouse relatives so you won’t be inconvenienced. You still need to visit, ask questions, and be a PITA if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "lazy" sibling; sibling let me know she was "in charge" and that I received no input whatsoever. So I stopped.

This is common. Sometimes there is a sibling who wants the noteriety/control/majority/whatever, then wants to delegate who does what or who gets what. There really is no working with someone like that. Also, consider if the siblings have their own families or not, OP - nuclear families take a LOT of attention and time. OP, there may be some way that the siblings can help out, if you let them.

This is BIL. He is always telling DH that he is doing things wrong and only happy when you are doing things his way with frequent appreciation for his help. He bullied DH growing up yet you would never know he was such a controlling jerk since he never treats outsiders than way. If MIL asks us for help, we’re there; otherwise, he can do it himself his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We would be glad to have them step in and do something."

How would you feel if they step in and do something, wrong?

Some of these decisions/actions can have real consequences, as you well know.

What if they step in and do something, really wrong?

How would you deal with the situation if they did something you basically couldn't forgive them for?

It's totally unfair but they have gotten used to being blamed for not doing anything.

The last thing they want is to know that not only do you do more but you also do everything better.

If they really are as detached as you seem to think, they might be perfectly willing to forgive you if you make a bad call.

But could you do the same? If you couldn't forgive them, then that's why you have ended up doing it all.

I'm not trying to say it's fair. Just trying to explain that some people care too much about certain things to not be in charge.

Often, people who care that much can't imagine that others can feel differently.

My sibling won’t even talk to me about Dad’s care so we can’t even suss out these things.