resentment of siblings who don't do anything

[Anonymous]

Just venting. I'm the spouse of the sibling who does all the work in taking care of elderly MIL, while the other two do very little or nothing. We're all local, we all have jobs so it's not like one of them is more situated to do the caretaking more than the others. I just wonder, what goes through their minds? "I see that my brother is doing 90% of the care and I do nothing, but.... I just don't care?"

[Anonymous]

Sibling who does way more here. I think it's more that people are overwhelmed with their own lives and can't deal. I have gone through resentful phases, but it does not help me to ruminate. I try to find things they can do and I suggest in a way that does not endue guilt. Guilt makes people want to run away and it makes people hate you. It may make them do a little, but not a good long term strategy. I also have learned to set more boundaries around what I can do without losing my mind. Sense of humor helps.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it’s time to have a family meeting with the siblings and discuss reapportioning the care duties.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it is also hard to see or notice what all the others are doing. If one sibling is getting overwhelmed, a direct conversation is probably needed.

[Anonymous]

Our older parent passed away suddenly (they were quite self sufficient), but I hear you on the resentment, OP.

I was the one who did 95% of the house cleanout. One of my siblings never even visited the house (while still visiting the area a couple times a year), in the nearly 10 years we owned, emptied, renovated, rented, and eventually sold the house. I never got an extra cent from the estate. I don't know how people can't see outside of themselves.

[Anonymous]

How does your spouse feel about it?

Is it taking away from your family time/ resources? If so, you need to discuss it with your DH and let him figure out how to work it with his siblings.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind these things sometimes break up the family after parents are gone. Exercise caution moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind these things sometimes break up the family after parents are gone. Exercise caution moving forward.

They break up a family while its going on too. We were a close family of five siblings until our parents needed care, and the different approaches drove us apart. I can safely say that the funeral will be the last time we get together as a group. And you would never know it to meet each one on us who would step up to the job and who would look the other way.

[Anonymous]

I'm the "lazy" sibling; sibling let me know she was "in charge" and that I received no input whatsoever. So I stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "lazy" sibling; sibling let me know she was "in charge" and that I received no input whatsoever. So I stopped.

This is common. Sometimes there is a sibling who wants the noteriety/control/majority/whatever, then wants to delegate who does what or who gets what. There really is no working with someone like that. Also, consider if the siblings have their own families or not, OP - nuclear families take a LOT of attention and time. OP, there may be some way that the siblings can help out, if you let them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "lazy" sibling; sibling let me know she was "in charge" and that I received no input whatsoever. So I stopped.

This is common. Sometimes there is a sibling who wants the noteriety/control/majority/whatever, then wants to delegate who does what or who gets what. There really is no working with someone like that. Also, consider if the siblings have their own families or not, OP - nuclear families take a LOT of attention and time. OP, there may be some way that the siblings can help out, if you let them.

OP: nobody is taking over. We would be glad to have them step in and do something. And we all have families to take care of. In fact, you might argue that DH and I have the most family responsibilities since our children are young and can't be left at home alone, while they have teenagers who can. What happens is something like elderly MIL is admitted to the hospital for something, DH and I are the only ones who visit/check on her/talk to doctors. Maybe they know that DH will go so they don't have to, but now I rather suspect they would just leave her there alone. And DH is not willing to test it out -- will they go if we don't? One say it's just "emotionally overwhelming so she needs a break from it all" but takes care of her own family just fine. The other just says she's busy, every time. We're all busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "lazy" sibling; sibling let me know she was "in charge" and that I received no input whatsoever. So I stopped.

This is common. Sometimes there is a sibling who wants the noteriety/control/majority/whatever, then wants to delegate who does what or who gets what. There really is no working with someone like that. Also, consider if the siblings have their own families or not, OP - nuclear families take a LOT of attention and time. OP, there may be some way that the siblings can help out, if you let them.

OP: nobody is taking over. We would be glad to have them step in and do something. And we all have families to take care of. In fact, you might argue that DH and I have the most family responsibilities since our children are young and can't be left at home alone, while they have teenagers who can. What happens is something like elderly MIL is admitted to the hospital for something, DH and I are the only ones who visit/check on her/talk to doctors. Maybe they know that DH will go so they don't have to, but now I rather suspect they would just leave her there alone. And DH is not willing to test it out -- will they go if we don't? One say it's just "emotionally overwhelming so she needs a break from it all" but takes care of her own family just fine. The other just says she's busy, every time. We're all busy.

You are not unique. Many go thru the same phases. No easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Was your spouse the "favored child" growing up? I grew up the oldest child in a family with 3 kids, and the "baby" was BY FAR the most favored child. My other sibling and I will probably be "lazy" and allow golden boy to do the majority of the work when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

NP: I am done.

I am done asking for help.
I am done suggesting alternative ways to help.
I am done explaining how trying to do it all on my own health, my finances, my career, my DH, and my children.
I am done hearing that I’m a saint.
I am done explaining that no, I was not the favored child nor did I get disproportionate time or money growing up.
I am done hoping they will come around.
I am done hearing that I should just walk away.
I am done hearing that what you allow to continue, you are accepting or however that shitty phrase goes.

I’ll do it, but I am done calling it anything other than what it really is: unfair.

It is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP: I am done.

I am done asking for help.
I am done suggesting alternative ways to help.
I am done explaining how trying to do it all on my own health, my finances, my career, my DH, and my children.
I am done hearing that I’m a saint.
I am done explaining that no, I was not the favored child nor did I get disproportionate time or money growing up.
I am done hoping they will come around.
I am done hearing that I should just walk away.
I am done hearing that what you allow to continue, you are accepting or however that shitty phrase goes.

I’ll do it, but I am done calling it anything other than what it really is: unfair.

It is unfair.

Life is not fair... but it is what it is.