Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is for a grandparent, then I assume your mother or father would be there, because it is their parent who died, yes?
Can you focus this on being there to be a support for your parent? Think about the grief they will be going through, and how much it will mean to have their child there as a comfort. You can really "tune out" to the ceremony, the parts that are about remembering the deceased, etc. and just really focus on supporting your parent.

[Anonymous]

Also, you say that you feel that you had a really negative reaction for a number of weeks after the last funeral you attended, but couldn't that just be... grieving? Which is a natural thing that is supposed to happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

No one likes funerals. Attending one is not about you. It's about supporting and showing respect for the grieving family.

You are selfish for not attending, because you are making it about you and your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

Your twisting yourself into a pretzel to justify not going. Grow up. Death is part of life and showing up is the most important thing. You’re being needlessly dramatic to try and justify not doing the right thing.

+1 My cousin skipped my father's funeral. He also came for like 5 minutes of our grandfather's funeral. He had no previous commitments; he just didn't come because he's a very selfish person. My opinion isn't important to him, so it likely doesn't matter to him that I think he is a turd and will never forgive him. But just be aware there are people in your family who might be affected by your not attending.

[Anonymous]

I still remember the old neighbor who showed up at my Dads funeral. They’d been friends when young Dads. 20 years later he shows up. Really touched me never forgot.

[Anonymous]

If everyone who didn’t want to be at the funeral skipped it, there would be no one there ever.

Yes, you need to attend the funeral of one of your parents’ parents. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still remember the old neighbor who showed up at my Dads funeral. They’d been friends when young Dads. 20 years later he shows up. Really touched me never forgot.

Yes, this. When my dad died, people who were neighbors of his when he was a child showed up. My friends from elementary school were at his wake and funeral. It was so touching.

I will never forget who was there, and who was not. It has a huge impact.

Always go to the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

If You.Don't.Care. what people think, then why even post at all? Confidently skip the funeral with total confidence in your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a grandparent, parent or sibling, you need to suck it up and go.
Aunt, Uncles, Cousins etc - case by case basis. If its prohibitively expensive, bad timing, you didn't like them or didn't even know them that well, etc, then I wouldn't go.

+1,000 for the first line.

For the 2nd line, my extended family is very close. My mom had 3 brothers and I am close to my cousins and aunts/uncles so I would definitely attend. My dad had all 8 of his nieces at his celebration of life. Only one that was very close to delivering/pregnant and lived 6 states away missed it understandably.

I will say I have a very hard time with wakes/funerals. I get very emotional even when I am attending one with my husband and I didn't know the person well, i.e., somebody he knew. I still make the effort because I know how much it means to the grieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still remember the old neighbor who showed up at my Dads funeral. They’d been friends when young Dads. 20 years later he shows up. Really touched me never forgot.

Yes, this. When my dad died, people who were neighbors of his when he was a child showed up. My friends from elementary school were at his wake and funeral. It was so touching.

I will never forget who was there, and who was not. It has a huge impact.

Always go to the funeral.

Yep, same. At my uncle’s funeral, a man showed up who had been on a middle school basketball team coached by my uncle 40 years ago. My aunt and cousins were so touched that they his man had so much regard for their husband/father and inconvenienced himself to come and pay his respects.

I have never regretted showing up for someone’s funeral and was always comforted by the presence of others who showed up for the funerals of my loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

Why are you posting then?

Like some other PPs shared, I was so touched by the people who came to my late husband’s service. Parents of children in our DC’s class, childhood and college friends of his who traveled from afar and shared funny stories, and former colleagues who spoke to me about how much they admired him and enjoyed working with him. And yes, all our immediate family traveled to be there. Even two of my cousins from overseas came to support me and offer condolences on behalf of the rest of our extended family who could not make the trip.

You find funerals unpleasant, I get that. No one really loves them, you know. Since being widowed, I have gone to several wakes and funerals despite finding them very difficult now. I go anyway as a show of support to the deceased’s relatives—my discomfort is way smaller than their grief and I know from experience that it might bring them some small comfort.

You wondered if your family will think you’re selfish. Yes, they will. My sister is a funeral skipper, including both our grandparents’, citing similar reasons to you. Yes, everyone thinks she is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

It is selfish. It’s common decency to go. You don’t have to, but that does convey selfishness because honoring someone else’s life just wasn’t worth it to you. You go for the living bereaved, not the dead.

She is one of the living bereaved, you nitwit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

It is selfish. It’s common decency to go. You don’t have to, but that does convey selfishness because honoring someone else’s life just wasn’t worth it to you. You go for the living bereaved, not the dead.

She is one of the living bereaved, you nitwit.

And if she were the only one, it wouldn't matter.

But she isn't.