Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

You should go. Maybe your feelings are like a difference in religious beliefs, but I would certainly not refuse to attend a funeral because the deceased was of a different faith and did things differently than I do. You should also work on getting over the unpleasant feeling you have after a funeral because that's how our society does things so there are likely to be lots of funerals in your life if you have people that you care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

A general life rule is to attend all funerals unless there's a reason you cannot.

Um, no. That is not a "life rule." Sorry. And if someone is offended by my non-attendance, I can live with that.

Ok, cool. OP seems concerned whether people care though so we are letting her know yes they will. Up to her to decide can SHE live with people thinking she is selfish for acting selfish.

[Anonymous]

I skip most funerals unless I feel someone will need.me. I was at all my grandparents' funerals to be there for my mom and dad. I couldn't have gotten through.my mom's service without my son.

If it is a viewing, you DO NOT need to look. I never saw any of my grandparents. My mom was cremated thankfully.

[Anonymous]

I feel like skipping a grandparents funeral is a no go. Or would be in my family. You could skip the wake though I think.

[Anonymous]

For a grandparent, parent or sibling, you need to suck it up and go.
Aunt, Uncles, Cousins etc - case by case basis. If its prohibitively expensive, bad timing, you didn't like them or didn't even know them that well, etc, then I wouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

I'd go to support my parent who just lost their parent.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you're concerned about what other people will think - you will have a problem your entire life with lots of things.

Decide what works for you. Own your decisions.

[Anonymous]

I understand you and I support you. Funerals can be very traumatic experience to some people and if you are one of them then you should not go because the deceased person has lots of other family members to do just fine without you, they also know your heart and know you are struggling with this. If you want to decline gracefully just say the truth.
Say that it is just too painful and it is too much and you feel like you could faint there and you don't want the funeral to be about you and your medical emergency but about the deceased. You totally sound like you are in the condition that could end up in some unexpected health episode. Be it fainting or depression as a result of the PTSD. Not everybody is taking things the same way. Most people do not realize that some are more sensitive then others and take things very emotionally and experience more pain then others. Do what is best for you. Your deceased know your heart. So does God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a grandparent, parent or sibling, you need to suck it up and go.
Aunt, Uncles, Cousins etc - case by case basis. If its prohibitively expensive, bad timing, you didn't like them or didn't even know them that well, etc, then I wouldn't go.

I would say yes to the above, but modify the grandparents.. if you did not have happy and long and strong but only superficial and occasional relationship with grandparents then I would not be as incisive on you going. However
I can not imagine not go to a parent or a sibling funeral unless some seriously deep and long issues were running in the family which could warrant such absence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go to support my parent who just lost their parent.

That takes a lot of maturity to look at this in the way you project. Most kids do not develop into this until much latter in life.
They can do it if need be but to feel that way, this is another story.

[Anonymous]

If you can you always go to the funeral. I am tired of "all about me" mind set. Do you want their family to come to a funeral that might be of your close one? What is a close relative in question? Do you want people to show up and support your family when you die? If the answer is no, don't go.

[Anonymous]

Not going to grandparent's funeral if it is in same town or nearby to you is just plain selfish. Nobody is having a time of their life at the funeral!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

You should absolutely go to y our grandparent's funeral. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

You should absolutely go to y our grandparent's funeral. Full stop.

Do have other unusual reactions to certain things? Ever been evaluated for anxiety or anything like that?

Just something to think about, that perhaps a few sessions with a therapist might help, especially if this isn't the only instance in which you are such an outlier.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the relative and the family, but you describe them as a close relative, so I would say yes, you need to go.