Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

It is selfish. You go to a funeral to show support for the immediate family members/spouse affected.
Just go. Don’t go up to the coffin, sit in the back, don’t engage in the parts that are uncomfortable for you, but be present for our loved ones. Or just go and hug the family members affected, say something loving, then quietly duck out the back.

You need to at least make an appearance. Otherwise you are putting your discomfort over their grief. You are putting your feelings first. You are being selfish.

[Anonymous]

When people are grieving, the last thing they need is a parade of gawkers. Go if you feel moved to do so, but not going is equally valid. My dad died when I was 14 and I was amazed at how many people came to his funeral. On one hand it showed me a side of my dad (who died of alcoholism) that I didn’t know since he was usually drunk or hungover when I was with him. I saw how many people cared about him. On the other hand, at 14, standing in a receiving line being hugged and talked to by dozens, of not a couple hundred, people I didn’t know was exhausting. People meant well, but they knew a wildly different version of my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

If You.Don't.Care. what people think, then why even post at all? Confidently skip the funeral with total confidence in your decision.

Because I'm giving my perspective, which is as valid as yours is. That's kind of the point of a message board, sweetie. Did you not know that?
All you "you're being selfish" people are, frankly, doing exactly what you're accusing me and others of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

Why are you posting then?

Like some other PPs shared, I was so touched by the people who came to my late husband’s service. Parents of children in our DC’s class, childhood and college friends of his who traveled from afar and shared funny stories, and former colleagues who spoke to me about how much they admired him and enjoyed working with him. And yes, all our immediate family traveled to be there. Even two of my cousins from overseas came to support me and offer condolences on behalf of the rest of our extended family who could not make the trip.

You find funerals unpleasant, I get that. No one really loves them, you know. Since being widowed, I have gone to several wakes and funerals despite finding them very difficult now. I go anyway as a show of support to the deceased’s relatives—my discomfort is way smaller than their grief and I know from experience that it might bring them some small comfort.

You wondered if your family will think you’re selfish. Yes, they will. My sister is a funeral skipper, including both our grandparents’, citing similar reasons to you. Yes, everyone thinks she is selfish.

What's with you people? Do you just want to give your opinion and not understand there is another perspective? I posted b/c that is how this whole message board thing works. People have different views and express them here. The difference is I"m able to realize there are two sides here and to give mine without the judgment and the name-calling. You and others are not. That's your problem, not mine.

And I find it interesting that you're so wrapped up in what the funeral is supposed to be -love, memories, support, etc.- but really you're just using it as an opportunity to judge your non-attending relative. Great priorities there, friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

If You.Don't.Care. what people think, then why even post at all? Confidently skip the funeral with total confidence in your decision.

Because I'm giving my perspective, which is as valid as yours is. That's kind of the point of a message board, sweetie. Did you not know that?
All you "you're being selfish" people are, frankly, doing exactly what you're accusing me and others of.

Are you this cliche in real life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

If You.Don't.Care. what people think, then why even post at all? Confidently skip the funeral with total confidence in your decision.

Because I'm giving my perspective, which is as valid as yours is. That's kind of the point of a message board, sweetie. Did you not know that?
All you "you're being selfish" people are, frankly, doing exactly what you're accusing me and others of.

DP. Given your updates, I think it is best for the other attendees if you don't go. I am sure nobody wants a person of your temperament there and your lack of empathy for clearly anyone but yourself.

[Anonymous]

Just go. You will regret not going someday. It's a chance to show respect for the person. Nobody wants to hear your excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

So, because the deceased is old they deserve no respect? Nobody likes funerals! However, we attend to show respect to the deceased and to honor their lives and to, at least try, to give comfort and condolences to immediate family. To answer your question, yes, it is inexcusable not to attend unless you are in the hospital with a serious condition.You need not worry about anyone wanting to attend your funeral.

[Anonymous]

There is a great clip from the Big Bang Theory where socially clueless Sheldon is told about the non-optional social convention. Even he accepts it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJY7dWfNpT8

[Anonymous]

I only go for close family.

My parents don't want funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd go to support my parent who just lost their parent.

seems kinda obvious.

When my grandmother passed, I was amazed how frazzled my dad was. His mom had been ill forever and their relationship was fraught. His wife was extremely selfish and wasn't supporting him at all. I ended up going with him to the funeral parlor to tie up the last details (although Jews have closed caskets, someone has to go identify the body before they close the casket). No one should have to do that alone. I know my dad intended to go alone until I hopped into the car. He wouldn't have handled it at all. He needed someone.

I put this out there because the last thing I expected was my dad to accept support from me. But he did.

You are a rare person here in dcum matrix. I think everyone should read your post and realize what you did, that parents are just people and there comes a time when roles reverse, when they need our help. As they age, they need it more and more. Not all the time and roles can swap on and off until they are very old.

Thanks, PP. That was very kind. (This is me, who lost the grandmother.)

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the replies, but yes, for a close relative you always go
Read this: https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, but yes, for a close relative you always go
Read this: https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

It's an article that is one random person's opinion.

Here's another person's opinion: Go if you can handle it, don't if it's too much. I feel the same way about weddings. People who get themselves in a tizzy and start dramas over these things clearly have their own problems. I swear I know some people who live for funerals and weddings as social events. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the replies, but yes, for a close relative you always go
Read this: https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

It's an article that is one random person's opinion.

Here's another person's opinion: Go if you can handle it, don't if it's too much. I feel the same way about weddings. People who get themselves in a tizzy and start dramas over these things clearly have their own problems. I swear I know some people who live for funerals and weddings as social events. To each their own.

You can go to the funeral and leave after. No one is saying it’s a social event. I don’t understand people who say it’s too hard for them to go- it’s not suppose to be easy. I always think it’s so lame and at times just plain lazy to not go to a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

Ok but what if everyone does the same thing and no one attends because no one likes funerals. Would that be ok if no one shows up? Of course not. Everything is wrong with that.

Everyone is uncomfortable at funerals, OP. What makes you so special that you feel entitled to skip it because of your discomfort and leave it to the rest of your relatives to show up? They won't like it and I don't blame them one bit.