Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

[Anonymous]

Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

[Anonymous]

IMHO funerals are not about you and closure. They're about respect for the deceased and support for their family.

[Anonymous]

Rise above your discomfort and go to the funeral to show respect and support the bereaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

Define "close relative."

I feel the same way about funerals, so I totally get it. But you kinda have to go to grandma's.

[Anonymous]

It is selfish. You’re only going because you don’t want to. That’s your prerogative but you can’t expect people won’t think you’re selfish when you’re selfish. You have every right not to go but you need to accept that it does look bad and people will think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is selfish. You’re only going because you don’t want to. That’s your prerogative but you can’t expect people won’t think you’re selfish when you’re selfish. You have every right not to go but you need to accept that it does look bad and people will think so.

You’re only NOT going*

[Anonymous]

Nobody likes funerals. Don’t be such a child!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is selfish. You’re only going because you don’t want to. That’s your prerogative but you can’t expect people won’t think you’re selfish when you’re selfish. You have every right not to go but you need to accept that it does look bad and people will think so.

This.

Assuming here this is a relative so close that most of us would go if our own relative of that close degree died:

OP, is this the first really close relative of yours who has died and for whom there was a funeral or memorial service? I ask because if you had done this before--skipped a funeral of a close relative--you'd know already that skipping will be remembered forever. Some people will be very understanding and let it go. But some will not and will question why, no matter how many times you insist the problem for you is funerals in general, not your relationship with relative X. You may end up having to justify repeatedly why you weren't there and you still might not be believed. That's not because people are mean to you, it's because feelings can be raw and people latch onto small slights to focus on rather than letting themselves think about the deceased. It's human. But however you look at it--you wil be missed and your absence remembered.

Have you been to many funerals? Did you maybe go to one with an open casket so seeing the body is what you found disturbing? You can ask the funeral home in advance if there will be an open casket and you can avoid walking up to it if there is a wake or "viewing" as some of us call it. You can tell relatives you cannot make the viewing but will be there for the funeral, and then look elsewhere for that brief service. And many funerals have a closed casket or none at all -- many people are cremated so there is no casket at all. Get information about the nature of the funeral before you assume it will include a body. You can be more mentally prepared that way and you might be relieved too, if the relative was already cremated. Know what to expect and you won't find it as upsetting.

You also may really regret not going. If this relative died of old age, maybe you have other elderly relatives and the funeral may end up as a last time they'll be together and the last time you might see some of them. And your closest relatives might like you there to lean on; make this about them, not about your aversion and your comfort. If this is, say, a grandparent, your parent(s) might appreciate your being there to help older relatives get around or to go park someone's car or to be sure cousin so-and-so has someone her age to talk with. If it's an in-law or sibling or uncle etc.--same thing; find things to DO to occupy yourself. Can you focus on helping as much as you can--rather than on seeing the funeral as "creepy"?

If you still can't get past "creepy," please consider why this sad but absolutely normal event evokes that in you. It's part of adult life and there will only be more funerals, not fewer. If you don't attend this one, what happens when the next close relative dies? Maybe one even closer to you than the one who just died? What happens when someday you must be the one to plan a funeral? It's time to deal with how you view funerals or you will be helpless when they keep coming. You can avoid all funerals forever, that's true. But you might regret it, and you definitely will become known (again, no matter how you explain it to others) as the relative who isn't around and isn't helpful at what's a tough time for most people.

[Anonymous]

It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

A general life rule is to attend all funerals unless there's a reason you cannot.

[Anonymous]

You are being selfish, aren't you? Just own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are being selfish, aren't you? Just own it.

+1 you asked if it was acceptable and people saying no.

[Anonymous]

Attending the funeral is to show love and support to those that are left behind. You have every right not to go but if you are able you should go and focus on your good memories. Share those good memories with your family members so that the funeral is a celebration of their life and not a mourning of their death.

[Anonymous]

Always go to the funeral. Which family member was closest to the deceased? You are going to the funeral to show your love and support to THAT person. You are going to be able to give them a big, long hug and look them in the eyes on one of the worst days of their lives and say "I am so sorry and I love you so much".

Funerals are incredibly important rituals. Of course no one enjoys going to them because they remind us all of our own mortality. But I actually think that's a really good thing, we all need to be reminded of our impact on others and funerals are an excellent window into that.

Go to the funeral.

[Anonymous]

I have such a large family that I could never go to all of the funerals. No, you don't have to go OP unless it is immediate family.