Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it unacceptable to not go to a close relatives funeral who died of old age? I hate funerals. I know for some people it helps them mourn and get closure, but for me they just creep me out. It's not how I want to remember the deceased. Other people view funerals differently and emotions can run high during mourning. I'm concerned family members will think I'm selfish for not attending.

They will think you are selfish because you are selfish. The funeral isn't about you, but about the entire family. Are you part of the family by choice?

I.Don't.Care. what you think. I have a fundamental difference of opinion about the need, desire, and purpose of a funeral. i can support my family before and after the funeral. And that will be more helpful than a single day. So, you and and I have very different definitions of what is selfish.

You folks keep saying the funeral isn't about you. Well, it isn't about you either. It's supposed to be about the deceased. And he or she doesn't know I"m not there.

Like it or not, YOUR reasons for not going are selfish. Funerals are about showing up for the people who loved the person who died. Sorry YOU'RE feeling uncomfortable on what is clearly a difficult day for YOU. I'm sure it will comfort the family knowing you were too CREEPED OUT to show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

It is selfish. It’s common decency to go. You don’t have to, but that does convey selfishness because honoring someone else’s life just wasn’t worth it to you. You go for the living bereaved, not the dead.

She is one of the living bereaved, you nitwit.

And if she were the only one, it wouldn't matter.

But she isn't.

So, one of the living bereaved is required to put aside the things that would help her the most with her close relative's passing, to support the other living bereaved? Is there a hierarchy at play here?

Why aren't the other living bereaved require to exhibit a little bit of understanding that this is the best way for OP to deal with the loss, and refrain from any negative comments and feelings towards her?

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, please read this to the end as I am not pressuring you to go, and at the end, I have a suggestion for you.

But first, fyi, I don't think the funeral is for the deceased. It is for those close to the deceased to get both closure, and support from those who are close to THEM (not the deceased).

As I see it, attending a funeral is important because it's a person's job to support those they love and are close to as they are mourning.

I learned this from my boss back in 1997 or so...my coworker/friend invited me to her dad's funeral. It was a plane flight away, but it was back when I was single and mobile, so it was do-able. But I didn't "get" why she wanted me there--I had never met her dad! I told my boss, who told me that it's about being there for HER. He told me, when his mother died, he still remembers every person who came, and those who didn't. and the ones who came...there is a bond forged there.

Flash forward to 2001, my dad died, and I remember every person who came out. I remember this one couple that I didn't know too well, and only knew through my DH's work (of course they had never met my dad)...guess what, I still ask about them and we are still in touch. I'll never forget them.

And now, just a few months ago, my mother's memorial. Same.

So as you consider your options, please consider that those people who are in mourning never forget who shows up and who doesn't.

So if you are asking how THEY--your family, will view YOU--yes, they will judge. They will think you suck. This is just a fact.

I personally get where you are coming from and am not using this post to pressure you to go. I am just stating that to your question of will there be fallout, a grandparent's funeral is pretty close relation, so YES. It will not be to your face but there will be tons of fallout that you will never be aware of. Your parents will never forget. Your aunts/uncles and cousins will never forget. Your siblings will never forget. While some may get mad...it's really hurt. The main thought will be sadness and disappointment that you didn't rise to the occasion to comfort THEM by being there. That you are that weak, or selfish that you can't give back just for those few hours.

Is that fair or right? It doesn't matter. It just IS.

So my advice is, if you decide not to go, do your family the kindness of giving them a possible other explanation than "you don't like funerals." Tell them you are sick. And don't tell anyone--not one person--that you are not sick. Make sure it's a contagious sickness, so they can believe that you are doing them a favor by not going.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t go to my grandmother’s funeral. We were not close and my father (her son) predeceased her. I had very recently visited her in her far away rural area before she passed. I decided that my expending all the emotional energy to be around people I didn’t really know well (and who were part and parcel of our abusive family History) was too much.

But if my dad had still been alive? I’d have been there. No question.

[Anonymous]

I agree that funerals are difficult, but OP, you need to examine why you are so “creeped out” and I agree with the PP who suggested a session or two of therapy. Are you afraid of death? Seeing a dead body? In past days, when death was more frequent at younger ages, people used to be laid out in their home. Everyone was familiar with life and death. Our culture allows you to avoid seeing death, but think about whether this is a good thing.

Plus, some of the best family bonding moments are when the living share their memories. You can learn many things about your grandparent and draw closer to everyone else. Don’t let anxiety rule...

[Anonymous]

When one of my parents died suddenly when I was a teen, I did not want to go to the funeral. I did not want to see them dead. The thought horrified me. I was forced to go, though, and it is the worst memory I have. I wish I could unsee that.

I have not gone to any funerals since then. The next funeral I attend will be my own.

OP, you don't have to do it. It is a myth that everyone achieves closure by attending funerals, or that you can't achieve closure if you don't go to the funeral. Spend some time that day thinking about the person instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. OP, please read this to the end as I am not pressuring you to go, and at the end, I have a suggestion for you.

But first, fyi, I don't think the funeral is for the deceased. It is for those close to the deceased to get both closure, and support from those who are close to THEM (not the deceased).

As I see it, attending a funeral is important because it's a person's job to support those they love and are close to as they are mourning.

I learned this from my boss back in 1997 or so...my coworker/friend invited me to her dad's funeral. It was a plane flight away, but it was back when I was single and mobile, so it was do-able. But I didn't "get" why she wanted me there--I had never met her dad! I told my boss, who told me that it's about being there for HER. He told me, when his mother died, he still remembers every person who came, and those who didn't. and the ones who came...there is a bond forged there.

Flash forward to 2001, my dad died, and I remember every person who came out. I remember this one couple that I didn't know too well, and only knew through my DH's work (of course they had never met my dad)...guess what, I still ask about them and we are still in touch. I'll never forget them.

And now, just a few months ago, my mother's memorial. Same.

So as you consider your options, please consider that those people who are in mourning never forget who shows up and who doesn't.

So if you are asking how THEY--your family, will view YOU--yes, they will judge. They will think you suck. This is just a fact.

I personally get where you are coming from and am not using this post to pressure you to go. I am just stating that to your question of will there be fallout, a grandparent's funeral is pretty close relation, so YES. It will not be to your face but there will be tons of fallout that you will never be aware of. Your parents will never forget. Your aunts/uncles and cousins will never forget. Your siblings will never forget. While some may get mad...it's really hurt. The main thought will be sadness and disappointment that you didn't rise to the occasion to comfort THEM by being there. That you are that weak, or selfish that you can't give back just for those few hours.

Is that fair or right? It doesn't matter. It just IS.

So my advice is, if you decide not to go, do your family the kindness of giving them a possible other explanation than "you don't like funerals." Tell them you are sick. And don't tell anyone--not one person--that you are not sick. Make sure it's a contagious sickness, so they can believe that you are doing them a favor by not going.

This is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

What about your parents who live far away and you dont get along for very serious reasons.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to go. You go to pay your respects to the deceased, and to be there for the immediate family. I'm Jewish so no open caskets. If that grosses you out, just don't do it. You need to go. It's horrible that you would not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about your parents who live far away and you dont get along for very serious reasons.

That is a completely different circumstance than "I don't like funerals. They just don't work for me."

[Anonymous]

Some people think only of themselves. There is not changing that. My uncle didn't come to my dad' funeral. He also didn't come to his other brother's funeral. We will all go to his, because of his wife and my cousins, who did come. If we were petty like he is, we would not go. He is able to take walks in the neighborhood, but refuses to do anything that might "be hard." Man has no emotions, except for himself, he never did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd go to support my parent who just lost their parent.

seems kinda obvious.

When my grandmother passed, I was amazed how frazzled my dad was. His mom had been ill forever and their relationship was fraught. His wife was extremely selfish and wasn't supporting him at all. I ended up going with him to the funeral parlor to tie up the last details (although Jews have closed caskets, someone has to go identify the body before they close the casket). No one should have to do that alone. I know my dad intended to go alone until I hopped into the car. He wouldn't have handled it at all. He needed someone.

I put this out there because the last thing I expected was my dad to accept support from me. But he did.

[Anonymous]

For Jews, burying the dead is considered the highest possible mitzvah (good deed) because there is no possible way that the dead can repay the kindness you have shown them. When you go to a funeral, you are demonstrating the respect that you have for the person, for the immediate family, and for the life that has been lived.

I don’t believe that going to the funeral defines you as a person, but I do hope that you visited your grandmother while she was alive and declining, because that is the more important thing that you can do for her to show kindness. Hopefully, others will show you the kindness that you have extended in their time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd go to support my parent who just lost their parent.

seems kinda obvious.

When my grandmother passed, I was amazed how frazzled my dad was. His mom had been ill forever and their relationship was fraught. His wife was extremely selfish and wasn't supporting him at all. I ended up going with him to the funeral parlor to tie up the last details (although Jews have closed caskets, someone has to go identify the body before they close the casket). No one should have to do that alone. I know my dad intended to go alone until I hopped into the car. He wouldn't have handled it at all. He needed someone.

I put this out there because the last thing I expected was my dad to accept support from me. But he did.

You are a rare person here in dcum matrix. I think everyone should read your post and realize what you did, that parents are just people and there comes a time when roles reverse, when they need our help. As they age, they need it more and more. Not all the time and roles can swap on and off until they are very old.

[Anonymous]

We all bail on funerals in my family for the family members that do have them. Not our thing. Most family members get cremated and we kind of leave it be.

If you have a funeral-going or dramatic family who likes to draw things out/grieve/then grieve again, then you probably need to make up a great lie- business travel, training at work that is already paid for, diarrhea, whatever, rather than have to deal with their emotions over your choice. Your reasons are your reasons and are valid, but don't put it on anyone else's plate or they will try to change your mind, as some posters here have. Because everyone has intense emotions around death/dying/funerals, it's best not to share as it will become a fight.