Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have such a large family that I could never go to all of the funerals. No, you don't have to go OP unless it is immediate family.

But a large family and "too many funerals" isn't why OP doesn't want to attend. They don't want to go to "close family member's" funeral because it feels icky. That's not a good reason.

[Anonymous]

OP is either a troll or a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

It is selfish. It’s common decency to go. You don’t have to, but that does convey selfishness because honoring someone else’s life just wasn’t worth it to you. You go for the living bereaved, not the dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

My guess is that your funeral could be held in a phone booth.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have such a large family that I could never go to all of the funerals. No, you don't have to go OP unless it is immediate family.

This.

My mom is the youngest of 10. She is 68 and her oldest living siblings is 87. My dad is the middle of 9, however, he is now the oldest living sibling at age 69 and he has 3 younger (ages 62, 64, and 66).

I'm in my 30s and I have first cousins who range in ages 29-72. Many of my cousins have kids who are much older than me.

There was an unfortunate period last year when several relatives all died very close together and I was not able to attend every funeral. I called and expressed my condolences, sent flowers, and sent food to those that I couldn't attend. It didn't cause any issues within the family in my case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

Perhaps go but don't go near the open casket. I have a relative who goes to funerals but refuses to be in the room with the open casket. They don't want their last memory of the person's face being that of them from the casket. Everyone respects their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

Make up a reason why you can't go, and express your condolences in other ways. Make sure to check in on the immediate living family of the deceased (spouse, aunt/uncle who was closest to g-pa, your parent who's father passed) so they don't think you've abandoned them entirely.

[Anonymous]

When my father died, I really appreciated those who were able to come to the funeral - it was a comfort to me to see all of those friends and family members who came to pay their respects to him, and to mourn with us.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way you do about funerals, OP. I get that for a lot of people this seems to be a necessary step in the grieving process, but I find them pointless, creepy and not the way I want to mourn or remember a loved one.

Still, I went to my grandmother's funeral recently, despite the expense and huge inconvenience (we were overseas at the time) and my views on funerals, because my grandfather, my mother and the rest of the family members do not share my outlook and it was important for them for family to come as a sign of love and caring for the deceased and support for their grief.

If you think about it this way, that might help you get through it - it's doing something nice for the living, who you presumably love and care about. Trust me, this is not the time to explain to your remaining family members about how you feel, unless you want an epic family grudge that will last for decades.

Also, I was able to avoid the viewing by saying (genuinely) that I wanted to remember her alive and not dead. If you actually come to the funeral but do something like this, I am pretty sure the family would be understanding and it might minimize your discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The funeral is for a grandparent. I have gone to funerals in the past. I always cave to social pressure and go. The last time I attended a funeral I was really negatively affected by it. Obviously, no funeral is pleasant. But I found I felt so much worse after attending the funeral, and it was not a feeling that left quickly after the funeral was over. The feeling lingered for several weeks and I was upset that my last memory of my loved one was a funeral. The ritual itself does not resonate with me, and goes against how I want to part with others. I know that everyone doesn't feel like I do, and I do not want to further hurt others during a difficult time. I view my different stance on funerals similar to a difference in religious beliefs. I'm concerned that my family may not be able to provide he space for my difference. It is in no way a sign of me not respecting or loving the deceased, or those who are mourning.

Your twisting yourself into a pretzel to justify not going. Grow up. Death is part of life and showing up is the most important thing. You’re being needlessly dramatic to try and justify not doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

A general life rule is to attend all funerals unless there's a reason you cannot.

Um, no. That is not a "life rule." Sorry. And if someone is offended by my non-attendance, I can live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not selfish. I don't need to attend a funeral to show "respect." No one is required to attend a funeral. This is doubly true if they are uncomfortable in that setting. Many people are. Traditional funerals are depressing and creepy. I am one who doesn't want the last memory I have of the person to be in that setting. And there is nothing wrong with that.

There is nothing helpful to anyone at a funeral that can't be provided outside that setting: cards, flowers, bringing meals, taking family members out, helping with other tasks.

I get that people feel differently about the purpose of the event and what an individual takes out of it, but that is not the case for everyone. And it doesn't mean it's "selfish."

My guess is that your funeral could be held in a phone booth.

I'm guessing you know nothing about me other than what I've posted. You don't have to agree with me. I'm fine with that and any other label you want to assign. But, your snark, and bitchiness, says more about your likeability than mine.

[Anonymous]

Skipping a close relative’s funeral is only acceptable under a small handful of circumstances:
—You will lose your job if you miss work. Most employers aren’t that heartless, but if yours is, you might want to start looking for a new job anyway.
—Your health will be compromised by the travel. The bereaved willunderstand. But don’t claim the drive is too arduous and then next week post photos of you waterskiing.
—You we’re abused by the deceased. No explanation is needed. Do what is best for your healing. BTDT. I got through a grandmother’s funeral in a disassociative state that everyone thought was grief. Never again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being selfish, aren't you? Just own it.

+1 you asked if it was acceptable and people saying no.

I'm not saying "no." It's a personal decision. Period.