How to tell my mom to stop talking about my marriage and DH
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Another way to look at it is badmouthing your son in law means your mother isn't a good mother in law. Badmouthing the other grandparents telling your grandchild that family doesn't love them also makes your mother suck. This should be affecting your feelings towards your mother not your husband. Your mother is essentially trying to drive a wedge in your marriage and make your child feel less loved by other family because of her own sense of insecurity or jealousy. How do you tell your mom - you tell her that she is being hurtful to other family and to think other people's feelings and that it isn't appropriate in your household and that if you cant resolve this then she'll have to go. Being the dutiful Asian child you won't do this, you'll let your marriage suffer. |
Anonymous
| She just started daycare in march, did she not? How long did you give it a go? |
Anonymous
Her mom isn't some poor, underappreciated martyr just hoping for some acknowledgment. She's actively undermining her daughter's marriage and she's trying to poison her grandchild's relationship with her other grandmother. She's a bitch. Anyone who tells a kid that their grandparents don't love them is a bitch. She doesn't need "appreciation through actions," she needs a plane ticket home. |
Anonymous
| Moving her out is the only option. I'm sorry, I know it's not the answer you want to hear. |
Anonymous
Not to be mean, but you sound a bit immature. It is your mom, it is your husband, it's your baby who has separation anxiety. Everything must be HIS family and MY family. Evertything people suggest you reject. I suggest you and your DH decide how you want to run your household, you tell your mom that your husband and marriage are off limits, set boundaries and stick to them. |
Anonymous
|
Asia is a continent, not a culture.
|
Anonymous
Anyone first generation Asian will tell you are there is indeed an Asian culture. |
Anonymous
hmmm So all Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Cambodian people all have the same culture even though they are all different countries??? |
Anonymous
| “Hey, Mom. Stop talking about my marriage and my DH. Thanks.” |
Anonymous
OP. You just wasted everyone’s time. You got universal advice on what yo do and you are ignoring it. Better keep your Mom close because you are about to be a single parent who will need free childcare more than ever. |
Anonymous
| Why would you let someone this toxic raise your child? |
Anonymous
I think this is cultural. The OP says she's Asian and in general that background has such a cultural expectation regardless of which Asian country we are talking about, obviously some more than others. The parents can be really horrible but the children just have to suck it up. I guess for their background the DH not buying the groceries for the MIL is a big thing however the OP needs to tell her mother that this is the way they have decided to run their marriage. Instead OP is hiding, she is afraid to be truthful with her mother so she is throwing her husband under the bus and letting her mother talk negatively about him, when she herself is probably not a very good daughter in law, in Asian standards. Op you want to know how to deal with this internally because you are basically saying that because of your cultural conditioning you cannot speak up to your mother. Well you'll have to take every bit of poison your mother throws at you and try to shrug it off, no matter how much it hurts or how much it damages your marriage. Apart from not caring what she thinks which by the sounds of it you care very much means that I don't think things will get better until your child is older and your mother has returned home. It's amazing in some of these cultures how atrociously people can be treated and how abusive behaviour will be ignored because it's family. It's sad. When in reality in a healthy loving family this behaviour wouldn't be present, it's so backward to me. It just means that older women can go crazy with their meanness and no one pulls them into line. |
Anonymous
This makes it sound like H cheated on you. You, your mom & H live in the same house. You're lying to yourself if you don't think they know there is tension between all parties. You argue all the time, but your mom doesn't know? K. I think she's wrong for bad mouthing your H, but it sounds like her protective instinct is coming out. What did your H do to you? This is where it's time all grow up and act like adults. Have a real conversation about how you feel and what your expectations are. "Mom, I love you and know you want to protect me. H & I were in a rocky spot after the baby, but he loves me & we're trying to work it out. It doesn't help when you're negative. I do need your support and love you,. I can't tolerate putting down H's family to my children. etc" If she doesn't care to change the way she speaks about your H or to your kids, buh bye. Get a nanny. |
Anonymous
This. You want advice about what you can do internally? Accept your choices. That’s all. You are choosing your mother so wrap your head around what your life will be like with her. Let your marriage go because you are not truly invested in it (at least in terms of making it your priority) and in this scenario your husband will eventually leave. Yet remember that he, and his family, will always be in your child’s life despite the poison your mother spews and you -and she since she’s not going anywhere - are going to have to cope with it. Its a shame you are going to put a child in the middle of hearing all of this though. Internally you just need to prepare for the future, not live in the present, because you don’t want to accept the reality staring you in the face. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think the DH is entirely blameless here. He didn’t offer to pay for the MIL’s groceries? The MIL who moved from another state and provides full-time, likely low cost childcare? He is thoughtless and inconsiderate at best. The MIL is probably picking up on this and other concerns, such as him not being a good father, which the OP mentioned in her post. I suspect the DH is not an equal parent, which is why the OP is hanging on to her mom and is using her as the co-parent instead of forcing the DH to step up. Barring some special needs, I also find it strange that at 19 months the child already had several daycare trials and none of them worked out. If daycare really is such a poor fit and money is no object, hiring a nanny is a great alternative and would eliminate the third person in your marriage, OP. Agree with others, grandma needs to go as a childcare provider and revert to her role as grandma, or she will continue to grow even bolder and more toxic, negatively influencing the OP against her husband and the child against her other grandparents. I |