How to tell my mom to stop talking about my marriage and DH

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to take care of a toddler full-time. Sounds like your mom is looking for appreciation through actions. How about you and DH finding a sitter and taking out your mom a few times? How about DH taking your mom shopping and paying for it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

Yes, eventually DD will start preschool at 2, but this is the best arrangement for us at the moment and what we have to work with.

Then STFU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

This, except you know that will not help. My mom criticizes everything and everyone. I barely talk to her now. My husband refuses to talk to her in less I force him to.

[Anonymous]

If your DD cannot do daycare, get a nanny. Pay someone to take care of your child other than your mother. You can try telling your mom that this is what will happen if she does not stop.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You cannot be serious OP that you think your mom can stay. May as well just file the divorce now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to take care of a toddler full-time. Sounds like your mom is looking for appreciation through actions. How about you and DH finding a sitter and taking out your mom a few times? How about DH taking your mom shopping and paying for it?

Her mother told her grandchild that her other grandmother doesn't love her. She is a straight-up bitch, and she would have been out of my house right then. The only reason OP is willing to put up with this is because she actually agrees with her mom about her husband, and she doesn't care if her marriage implodes. Hope the free child care is worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to take care of a toddler full-time. Sounds like your mom is looking for appreciation through actions. How about you and DH finding a sitter and taking out your mom a few times? How about DH taking your mom shopping and paying for it?

Her mother told her grandchild that her other grandmother doesn't love her. She is a straight-up bitch, and she would have been out of my house right then. The only reason OP is willing to put up with this is because she actually agrees with her mom about her husband, and she doesn't care if her marriage implodes. Hope the free child care is worth it!

What does that have to do my my suggestion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

I don't know why you think your DD will do better in daycare (not 'preschool') at age 2 than she did as a baby. Guess it's easier for you to endure the disintegration of your marriage than make daycare work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

You believe you "need her help."

Take the money you give mom, put it toward child care and and send her to HER home, or you are choosing her over your marriage. Why do you believe she is a necessity rather than a convenience in this scenario? You can afford child care but say your child won't take to it. Many kids have some separation anxiety and DO have to go to child care. You did a lot of changing child care around -- did you try any one place long enough for your kid to get past the initial tears or did you just keep moving on, until you hit the "out" of being told to wait?

If you wait for that magical two year old preschool to solve all this, well, what if your child doesn't like that either? Will mom stay then? Can your marriage last until DC is two, or five years old and in kindergarten--?

Get a nanny, or bite the bullet, read up on handling transitions to day care, and send mom home.

Your husband may not know how much mom is poisoning your feelings toward him but YOU know it. That alone is reason to end the caregiver role for mom. She will guilt you over this and probably end up going nuclear on your husband with all the negative comments and he'll realize she's been feeding you these things all along. But truly you need to see that "let's wait unti preschool and that will fix it" is not a plan. Neither is " mom won't change but tell me how to make her change just for a while."

[Anonymous]

Newsflash - age two is a peak period for separation anxiety. With my kids it didn’t clear up until age 4. Hope your marriage lasts that long.

[Anonymous]

Keep what she says to yourself. I’m Korean-American married to the same. I actually think DH not paying was a dick move in terms of dynamics in a typical KA household where the MIL is a first generation immigrant who still retains Old World values. I totally understand why your mom is upset. It feels disrespectful to her. It’s not a matter of the amount of $, but the signaling that she wasn’t family enough (her perception).

Having said that (meaning while I understand your mom), her saying stuff to your child should be cut off. She is free to think it, it might be a fair complaint, but a child should not be hearing that.

Also I think that there is no benefit to letting your DH know the negative stuff your mom says or the attitude from your own mom. It just makes him like your mom less, makes him tired. Unless you think he’ll change based on your mom’s input (unlikely), you have to protect your DH from your mom’s complaints and protect your mom from any complaints DH might be saying about her caring for your child.

If I were you, I’d confess that you are having some marital difficulties, but that you are working to stay together and that it would help not to hear bad stuff about DH from your Mom. That should shock her into silence. Speaking just from my experience, when it comes to first generation Korean women, they still carry the traditional view that divorce is a disgrace, something to avoid at all possible or something to avoid even at a high cost. It’s still a pretty big stigma.

[Anonymous]

A red flag is that your child was not able to adjust to several daycares. Are we talking about you pulling her out because you couldn’t bear the daily crying? Or did the daycare say sorry we tried for a month but your child is being too disruptive with her crying and separation issues.

Also, you’re asking too much from your mom. She has a FT job and helps with childcare????? That is a lot of stress and strain on someone who is a senior (she’s at least 50, right?). Stamina is not the same from your 40s. It doesn’t matter if you pay her, not pay her. You are sucking away at her health more than you realize. Frankly I think I took my mom’s help with my first child for granted. Then I started getting older myself as I had my second and aged into my 40s. Caring for small children is no joke. Especially if the child has a demanding or difficult temperament.

Isn’t preschool just part time and your mom would still do some childcare? Just find a FT daycare to solve all your problems.

[Anonymous]

I was in a somewhat similar situation and we could not survive with my mother more than 2 months. My mother was that bad, and my marriage was fragile to begin with.

Please be creative, tighten your belt, do whatever is necessary to shorten your mother's stay. You might have her to thank for your subsequent divorce if you don't get her out ASAP! I'm deadly serious. She's poisonous, and it has nothing to do with Asian culture or whatever crap you're coming up with to explain her nastiness.

[Anonymous]

Another Asian poster here. I would take a different tact. I would have your DH suck up to your mom. He needs to be over the top thanking her, praising her, treating her like a queen. She is the mother of his wife and he should want to be on her best side. She is the person taking care of his child for free. He needs to bring home her favorite foods. Take her to see the movies. Bring her flowers. Seriously - if he does all this it will help.