How to tell my mom to stop talking about my marriage and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

Yes, eventually DD will start preschool at 2, but this is the best arrangement for us at the moment and what we have to work with.

Divorce and misery is the best arrangement? That seems to be what you have chosen.

+1

Also, it sounds like you are not standing up for your husband to your mom when she badmouths him. To me, this is basically grounds for divorce on his part. If you want to stay married, you need to tell your husband that you don't agree with your mom, you need to, at a minimum, tell your mom to stop and then walk away when she says bad things about him. And you need to get this woman out of your house. She's eroding your marriage, and frankly, she's a nasty bitch--seriously, who tells a toddler that her other grandmother doesn't love her? It's not the 'best arrangement" if it's going to blow up your family, which it will.

Honestly, you might have lost respect for your husband, but I have no respect for you. You're choosing logistical ease over your marriage vows. Lots of dual-income families figure out childcare without relying on unpaid grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Nobody who acted like that would live in my house.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was you. I didn’t want to pay for childcare so I had my mother stay with us.

She was terrible. She is mentally ill and I had not really understood that before. After she left DH and I are so much happier and have a much better sense of well-being.

Somehow she did not damage our marriage because we took a very “us against her” posture (again having her there was sort of stupid) but she would do what she could to stoke fights between me and DH, she was constantly insulting and criticizing both of us.

I mean, is the money you are saving really worth it?

[Anonymous]

Everyone has already covered the fact that you need to pay for childcare and send your mother back to her own home. Daycare is cheaper than divorce.

I will mention though - it's odd how you and DH keep your respective ILs and arms distance yet will take their free childcare. Your DH should have paid for your mother's groceries - she's taking care of his child!

I speak from experience, as an Asian daughter and DIL. MIL lived with us for 9 months but once my marriage became rocky, I asked that she move out (back to her home) so we could work on our marriage. Even during that phase, I still bought things for her and treated her as family.

[Anonymous]

Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

I guarantee your DH knows this. And it's definitely affecting him because her comments are affecting you. You may survive the next few months but your marriage will not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

I guarantee your DH knows this. And it's definitely affecting him because her comments are affecting you. You may survive the next few months but your marriage will not.

You need to do more than just ignore her comments. You need to tell her that she needs to stop criticizing and badmouthing your husband and his family to you. Because as long as you stay silent and don't stand up against her, you are tacitly condoning what she says--perhaps because you actually agree with much of it. And you say that her comments are undermining your opinion of your husband, so it's damaging your already-fragile marriage. He might not know what she is saying exactly, but it's affecting him whether he knows it or not. You need to stand up to your mother. Your mom might be doing you a huge favor in terms of childcare, but she's not doing your marriage any favors.

[Anonymous]

OP - you have to risk making your Mom mad

Too often, any problem, is not addressed by adult children because they are afraid to make mommy mad at them. In addition, in your case, you may lose your childcare. It may be uncomfortable for awhile. There would be lots of reasons.

For the situation to improve, at all, you need to be able to treat this as any other adult relationship. You expect adjustment. You expect to be able to speak your mind, and say what is and is not acceptable to you (boundaries). And the other person either adapts, or you pull-away to a degree you can still sustain the relationship. This goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Mom, do you want to break up my family? If not, you need to stop, immediately.”

Also, if she ever badmouths your MIL *to your child* again I would tell her to leave. If I was your DH, she would be gone if I overheard that. That’s outrageous.

I'm an Asian man and I can tell you that this comment is just a non-starter. You will not change her. It is very ingrained in the culture and you might as well ask her to change the color of her heart and lungs while you're at it. The only thing that a comment like that will do is get her to give a tirade or lecture on Asian values and principles and you will definitely not change her mind.

So, OP has the choice of sending her mom home early and getting a nanny or trying a different daycare or she can cope with the status quo. Her Asian mom is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Another Asian here. Unfortunately, BTDT and it took a toll on my marriage and relationship with my parents.

This is what I learned after the fact: DH (and his family) will never measure up no matter how I defend them. Your mom thinks she's watching out for you, but every marriage has its own quirks/dynamics, so it's best that you ignore all her criticisms/observations/comments and don't get influenced bc they will eventually seep through. I made the mistake of venting to DH about my parents. Don't drag him in.

If you must have your mom with you, do your best to stay neutral and keep your eyes on the target date. If you can, try enrolling your DD earlier. Having DD cry it out at a new daycare/preschool is easier to deal with than your strained relationships with DH and mother.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Decide what is important to you OP and go from there.

If your marriage is a priority your mom has to go. (Because I agree she can't and won't change, no matter what you do.)

Figuring out what your daughter needs is possible - especially if you don't use the option of family provided care. You will find a way to make that work when you decide you really need to.

The dynamic you're describing here is seriously damaging to your marriage, and therefore to your nuclear family - if you and your husband divorce that's bad for your child. So your mother has to go. And you need clearer eyes about the harm that's being done - there is no way this isn't impacting your husband - just look at the impact on you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seriously think your DH “doesn’t know any of this”?! If you know your mother is badmouthing the in-laws, can you imagine what she is saying when you are not there? Can you not imagine what looks your judgmental, disapproving mother is giving your DH when you don’t see?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was you. I didn’t want to pay for childcare so I had my mother stay with us.

She was terrible. She is mentally ill and I had not really understood that before. After she left DH and I are so much happier and have a much better sense of well-being.

Somehow she did not damage our marriage because we took a very “us against her” posture (again having her there was sort of stupid) but she would do what she could to stoke fights between me and DH, she was constantly insulting and criticizing both of us.

I mean, is the money you are saving really worth it?

Me again. The posters advising you to confront your mother when she makes these statements do not really understand how some mothers have a bulldozer mentality and will not change. Your mother does not understand healthy boundaries and will not adjust her behavior no matter what you do. You either have to let her leave or disregard everything she says in real time.

My relationship with my mother was permanently damaged when she lived with us. I don’t think I will ever be able to look at her the same way after I saw how manipulative and nasty she could be. DH and I only became stronger because we commiserated about what a huge nightmare she was. You need to rebuild your intimacy with DH, which is a separate issue from removing your mother from the home, but very related. Why aren’t you telling him how much you resent her behavior? Why aren’t you both sharing in the solution for your childcare problem? This is what a partnership is supposed to be.

[Anonymous]

Five months will pass quickly and your Mom will be out of your house. Concentrate on getting along with DH.

[Anonymous]

Agree with all that the best situation would be for her to be gone but it sounds like you and your husband feel like you need her for the next 5 months. I wouldn’t try to change her opinion... you won’t and it sounds like you know this. I would just take advantage of her being there and do lots of dates with your DH while you have a free, in house sitter and work on your marriage. Reconnect on the things you have in common and build from there. Young kids are stressful but you can def get through this together. But you need to work on it and prioritize it.

As for your mom, I’d just ignore it. Tell her to stop and move on. Don’t waste energy on her that you could be using on your marriage. Treat her opinions like that of a random stranger. And if you can’t do that, really work on getting her out of the house.

I wouldn’t worry about the snide comments to your kid over the next five months. She’s young. That’s a short term problem and you have plenty of time to balance out that negativity.

Good luck with everything.