How to tell my mom to stop talking about my marriage and DH

[Anonymous]

So much good advice from other 2nd-gen Asian Americans already, but adding another voice:

- it is weird and disrespectful as hell for your husband not to pay for groceries. I’m actually having a hard time wrapping my mind around it not being an intentional dig or reaction to you mother’s obvious contempt
- on top of the issues people have already brought up about prioritizing your mother over your marriage, it also seems like there is some serious enmeshment between you and your mother (ask me how I know). You can’t even tell her not to shit talk your kid’s other grandma TO YOUR KID. There’s also a lot of fatalistic “it has to be this way” or “this is the best solution” and continuing to deny any responsibility for how your marriage turns out - because you feel incapable of making mommy mad or disappointed or you feel indebted to her- will destroy any hope of reconciliation.
- finally and related to the above, I wonder if you are hesitant to break out of the enmeshment with your mother because you are afraid your marriage will fail anyway, and you feel you will need her in case that happens.

The phrase “the grass is greener where you water it” is actually pretty apt here. The first step is recognizing that having your mother live with you is a CHOICE that you are actively making day after day, and that YOUR CHOICE is rotting your family away.

[Anonymous]

My god. Get your mother out of your house. Your poor husband. Is your goal to be divorced asap? You are certainly working toward it. What a stupid life destroying decision.

[Anonymous]

Why in heck did someone revive a 3 year old discussion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, this is not about money at all. Yes, she provided free childcare labor for some time, but we started giving her money monthly so she can have her own money to use. We tried several daycare places before. It just didn't work out. My toddler could not adjust and I was told maybe I should wait until she's a little older to try again. That is why we had to ask for her help again. She has her own home in another state. My DD is 19 months now, so we will start her at a preschool at 2 years old, hopefully by that time her separation anxiety is a lot better. My mom is doing us a huge favor right now. So people telling me to kick her out is not the solution, when we are the one that need her help. I guess i'm seeking for advice on what I can do internally to ignore her comments and not let it get to me. I know that she's not going to change. My husband is not aware of any of this, so it's not affecting him.

I guarantee your DH knows this. And it's definitely affecting him because her comments are affecting you. You may survive the next few months but your marriage will not.

Oh calm down. Your DH should be rightly pissed that your MIL is a B to him, but he is also dependent on her providing childcare and realizes she's doing a service that you need. If your marriage is strong you will survive these remaining 4 months til the kid turns 2. I agree she is highly toxic if she's badmouthing other grandma to a 1 year old, but kids that age probably won't remember much, and you can set your guidelines in the future when you're less dependent on her.

At the same time, I question OP's statement that this isn't about money. If you already tried several daycares and none are working out, I wonder if the OP is picking really low-quality daycares. Most kids have a rough spell, but adjust. This won't magically go away when the kid turns 2...

[Anonymous]

I would go for a 'date night' with your DH and have a honest chat with him about your mother and how the two of you should handle it. You both know your culture and what is expected.

Your mother is poisoning your mind against your DH to make herself more needed, so you will take her advice and not his or his families. She is aware her manipulation works due to being your mother and that you scared of her. She probably does believe she is right although you are more aware she is insecure and scared.

Once she is gone you will probably find your marriage improves straight away. I would not tell her to stop, I would flood her with positive praise but I would not talk about your in-laws, just say it is disrespectful for you to talk about them in that way. As another poster said get your DH to praise her and compliment her, compliment her food etc. Perhaps you could bond together about how you have to praise her to keep her happy, support each other.

If your DH agrees she is too much and needs to go, I would have her leave early.

[Anonymous]

This is a 2019 chat that someone resurrected for some reason. The kid in question must be 5 and in kindergarten by now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

Yes, eventually DD will start preschool at 2, but this is the best arrangement for us at the moment and what we have to work with.

You mom is sabotaging your relationship with your husband, your in-laws, and perhaps your child. If she is badmouthing the in-laws to your kid, you betcha she is doing the same about you when you are not home. Divorce is expensive. You cannot afford to keep your mother living there.