How to tell my mom to stop talking about my marriage and DH

[Anonymous]

This is a bit of a vent but background of the story is that my retired mom is currently living with us to help take care of our toddler since we both WOH full time. My husband and my mom appears to get along on the outside but she is constantly judging him as well as judging my marriage. Like how my husband and I handle our family affairs, he takes care of his side of the family and I take care of my side, which keeps things simple. My mom says to me, that's not how a married couple should work, that we both need to work together to help out both sides. We are both Asian, and apparently when you marry an Asian family, you have to view your in-laws as your actual parents, not your spouse's parents. But there is no way I can view my MIL the same as my mom, since she did not birth me nor raise me. The same goes for my husband. My mom kept coming up with the example when we went grocery shopping together and my husband bought stuff for his mom, but did not pay for my mom's stuff. He probably just didn't think to do it, but my mom has been holding a grudge against him since (like he doesn't think she is his family, blah blah blah). At the same time, I'm not a great DIL either, so I can't expect my DH to be a great SIL. On a normal basis, he is very respectful towards her and does not cause any issues, so he thinks there is nothing wrong.

Another example of how judgmental my mom is - we have asked my MIL to help watch our child as well, but it is a burden for her since she is still working full time. My mom sees this as my MIL not caring and loving her grandchild since my mom is going above and beyond. And keeps bringing it up to me and even tells our toddler that your other grandma doesn't love you, blah blah blah. I told her to stop telling this to DD and she will figure out who loves her or not when she is older. Of course we are extremely grateful for my mom's help but we cannot expect everyone to be like my mom.

Also, my marriage has been pretty rocky since we had a baby and we have been on the verge of divorce so many times. I lost a lot of love and respect for my husband. We are both trying to make this work for the sake of our kid. He is making a effort to try to become a better husband and especially a better father, which is the reason why argue all the time. My mom doesn't know this part. Hearing my mom talk about how he isn't a good son in law and how his side of the family suck is really affecting and influencing my feelings towards DH as well, which I know is not healthy at all. I'm trying my best to ignore her comments. Should I bring it up with DH at all or just keep it to myself? Is there anything I can say to my mom? My marriage is already weak as it is.

[Anonymous]

Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

Yes, eventually DD will start preschool at 2, but this is the best arrangement for us at the moment and what we have to work with.

[Anonymous]

Why in the world do you have your mom living with you?! Get her out, pay for daycare, and focus on your husband and child! Give your DH a huge break from her. How miserable it must be for him with this negative presence in his home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay for childcare like everyone else and ship her out.

Yes, eventually DD will start preschool at 2, but this is the best arrangement for us at the moment and what we have to work with.

Divorce and misery is the best arrangement? That seems to be what you have chosen.

[Anonymous]

I agree that your mom living there is an insidiously toxic element in your life and marriage and needs to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: tells our toddler that your other grandma doesn't love you, blah blah blah. I told her to stop telling this to DD and she will figure out who loves her or not when she is older.

Is "free" childcare really worth your marriage and your child's relationship with your husband's family?

[Anonymous]

So you are choosing your mom and free childcare over salvaging your marriage?! That sounds like a great plan.

[Anonymous]

“Mom, do you want to break up my family? If not, you need to stop, immediately.”

Also, if she ever badmouths your MIL *to your child* again I would tell her to leave. If I was your DH, she would be gone if I overheard that. That’s outrageous.

[Anonymous]

You need to stand up to your mother and get her out. Unless you actually like having her on your side. Pick your husband or your mother - I don’t care what in-laws and parents mean in Asian culture - your child and you will have neither if you stay on this path.

[Anonymous]

Is there ANY way -- any way at all -- that you can get her out of the home and get your child into day care ASAP? Downsize, or give up any extras to save money (vacations? Extra car? Anything) or one of you hoes part-time if at all doable (even if you have to downsize to a smaller home with, guess what, not enough room for mom)?

I ask this because you say your marriage is already under a huge strain even without mom in the mix. Yet she's there IN you house and life 24/7 compounding the strains. You have to risk offending and upsetting her in order to save your marriage, OP. Does she have nowhere else to go live if you and DH announce you are downsizing? I would not discuss this with her at all but would work with DH on it and present it to her as a done deal with enough lead time that you can help her get into other housing. But don't wait. She's poisoning you against your husband whom you say is making an effort to improve. Do not let "But she's my mother/I have to care for her/this is a cultural obligation" etc. make you end up divorcing if you want the marriage.

If you cannot find a way to get her out from under your roof and out of your day to day lives as caregiver--you likely will lose the marriage. Don't lose your marriage to a desire to keep your mother happy. In your shoes I would move heaven and earth to change this even if it means DH or you takes a different job or you have to move.

I know this is all too easy for a stranger to say since I can't know your financial or work situations. I just advise you and DH sit down now with a financial planner and figure how you can move mom out and preferably also afford child care if you can.

And marriage counseling or couples therapy IMMEDIATELY because you need to deal with how mom is very negatively influencing your feelings toward your husband. That's extremely serious, OP, and a key reason to put her back in the role of just grandmother we see on our own schedule--not live-in babysitter who is a negative voice in your home every day. You can find counseling for low or sliding costs through women's centers if cost is an issue.

[Anonymous]

It is in the best interest of your child and marriage to move mom out of the house swiftly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there ANY way -- any way at all -- that you can get her out of the home and get your child into day care ASAP? Downsize, or give up any extras to save money (vacations? Extra car? Anything) or one of you hoes part-time if at all doable (even if you have to downsize to a smaller home with, guess what, not enough room for mom)?

I ask this because you say your marriage is already under a huge strain even without mom in the mix. Yet she's there IN you house and life 24/7 compounding the strains. You have to risk offending and upsetting her in order to save your marriage, OP. Does she have nowhere else to go live if you and DH announce you are downsizing? I would not discuss this with her at all but would work with DH on it and present it to her as a done deal with enough lead time that you can help her get into other housing. But don't wait. She's poisoning you against your husband whom you say is making an effort to improve. Do not let "But she's my mother/I have to care for her/this is a cultural obligation" etc. make you end up divorcing if you want the marriage.

If you cannot find a way to get her out from under your roof and out of your day to day lives as caregiver--you likely will lose the marriage. Don't lose your marriage to a desire to keep your mother happy. In your shoes I would move heaven and earth to change this even if it means DH or you takes a different job or you have to move.

I know this is all too easy for a stranger to say since I can't know your financial or work situations. I just advise you and DH sit down now with a financial planner and figure how you can move mom out and preferably also afford child care if you can.

And marriage counseling or couples therapy IMMEDIATELY because you need to deal with how mom is very negatively influencing your feelings toward your husband. That's extremely serious, OP, and a key reason to put her back in the role of just grandmother we see on our own schedule--not live-in babysitter who is a negative voice in your home every day. You can find counseling for low or sliding costs through women's centers if cost is an issue.

This is critical! Clearly mom is sure she knows what’s best for everyone, but she is not on your side.

[Anonymous]

If you truly cannot move your mother out (and to be clear, this really is the best option), then you need to shut her down every time she starts down that path. Tell her it's none of her business, that she shouldn't be talking about your DH and his family that way, and walk away if you have to. Every single time. You're giving her an audience by listening to it so if you make it clear you aren't interested, perhaps she'll stop.

[Anonymous]

As another Asian daughter, I get why you're in the situation you're in. But everyone is right, this is very toxic. Your mom WILL break your marriage if you don't move her out. She has absolutely no respect for boundaries and she has a snake tongue (I'd have kicked her out the moment she started badmouthing your MIL to your kid). And let me guess, anytime you try to stand up to her she wails "But I only want what's best for you!" She's not going to change. Moving her out is the only option. Stand firm, don't get manipulated and protect your own family.