Unexpected sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Actually, for most people, it's caring about the quality time. When we both worked 50+ hours, he had to take on 1/2 the stuff around the house, leaving weekends for grocery shopping, cleaning, doc appts, errands, etc. Since I can take care of that stuff during the week, our weekends are 100% family time. We also meet him for lunch regularly during the summer. My youngest just started preschool so I have a light schedule consulting — I get to take on the work I actually want to do. I also am just so much less stressed. I know plenty of people who are good at it, but I was a terrible mother when work was stressful and my kids were less than angelic. Yes, I am incredibly lucky. But I'm not going to deny myself this opportunity since I have it.

You shouldn't be refuting me, you should be refuting the person who very clearly said she calibrates her family's life around her husband's so he can earn a million dollars a year. There was zero mention of quality of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I SAHMed leaving a well-paying but a soul sucking job. There are some things that I negotiated with DH since he was the one who was begging me to SAHM because of his career and travelling.

- I was never going back to work. I put this condition because I knew leaving my job meant that it would be very difficult to get back at the same position. I would have had to start at entry level. Having said that, I will go back to work when I want, but without any pressure to do so.

- DH was responsible entirely for retirement and college. I wanted to know how much my puny by comparison pay mattered to our finances. Evidently, not much!

- I would retain all domestic help that I had in place when I was a WOHM. This was so that I was actually spending time with the kids instead of doing chores that I never liked to do and which I knew would make me very resentful.

- I wanted financial protection - insurance, joint everything etc.

Once all of that was in place. I quit. I filled my kids days with the kind of enrichment that I wanted them to have - museums. trips, parks, arts and crafts, hobbies, sports etc. And I gave my whole family and myself a break by making sure that the outsourcing of chores was enabling all of us to have quality time with each other.

Regarding how others viewed me - I did not care. It was not as if I was unaware of the challenges of being a WOHM and being an office worker. I was not going to fall in that trap.

As far as socializing was concerned - I have my pet projects, causes, hobbies and friend circle. I also started to take a bunch of community college courses for the sheer fun of learning and of course there is volunteering in my kids schools.

This is truly a personal decision. If you hate being at home or with kids or will become anxious/depressed/isolated, please don't stay at home. Working or staying at home - neither will make or break your kids. Children from homes with both WOH or SAH parent(s) are equally successful.

Did you do a post-nup? It sounds like you’re protected in case he dies, but holding everything jointly doesn’t help you much if he divorces you. I know four people who just in the past six months had their husbands up and leave without notice after their wives had been home 10+ years. The spousal support agreements they’re negotiating are good for the next 8-10 years, but only for living on and not enough to save toward retirement or anything. Now they’re scrambling to find jobs and frustrated that they’re in such shitty financial positions long-term.

yeah but you're forgetting that in community property states you split assets acquired during the marriage. In states where fault comes into play, the wronged wife can walk away with more than 50%.

I mean, I'm assuming we're all talking about very privileged people here with millions of dollars in assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

I have no ill will towards SAHMs. It's the patriarchy that I disdain. We've normalized the inequality in the workforce, and now it's just a fact that "the man is on track to earn more." This is what troubles me. The OP and moms like her to make some tough "choices," while her spouse doesn't have to. I wish this wasn't the norm.

Also, it's just not helpful to suggest that I'm "attacking" you. If you're looking for drama, pick up a romance novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

NP. Take a step back and read what she’s saying. She is not attacking SAHMs. She is saying that OPs husband and men like him pushing women who don’t want to SAH are bullshit. If you WANT to SAHM, great! If you don’t and your husband makes it impossible for you to work because he is so very important and what you want doesn’t matter, boo!

That’s all.

[Anonymous]

If you love being a SAH and have retirement fully set up ( full funded at the time of SAH , in other words, financially set regardless if husband dies or divorce you) , then be it.

If this is not in your passion, then both of you need to sit down and discuss the need of three sides : the husband, wife kid. Husband is not a single man anymore. He can not just one decided that he will dedicate to his career / more money without considering the need of his family ( you and his kid) . He is a dad so he need s to man up and think about his responsible to his kid as well( not just financially) .

If he refuse to hear you thoughts and Doaa soon now,?, then it will be worse when you are a SAH, relying on him to financially support you. Nightmare!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

I have no ill will towards SAHMs. It's the patriarchy that I disdain. We've normalized the inequality in the workforce, and now it's just a fact that "the man is on track to earn more." This is what troubles me. The OP and moms like her to make some tough "choices," while her spouse doesn't have to. I wish this wasn't the norm.

Also, it's just not helpful to suggest that I'm "attacking" you. If you're looking for drama, pick up a romance novel.

That may be but realize that you're not talking to the "patriarchy" in here though. It's all women. So you're essentially blaming the victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

NP. Take a step back and read what she’s saying. She is not attacking SAHMs. She is saying that OPs husband and men like him pushing women who don’t want to SAH are bullshit. If you WANT to SAHM, great! If you don’t and your husband makes it impossible for you to work because he is so very important and what you want doesn’t matter, boo!

That’s all.

No. She asked why couples sometimes prioritize the man's career over the woman's. I answered. Money. Frequently in these situations (and the OP's seems to fall into this as well) the man is on track to earn a sh*t ton of money if he is able to throw most of his energy at work and doesn't need to work around sick kids or unable to travel, etc. So they say ok he will do that and the wife will take care of the house and kid(s). They think about all that they can offer their kids with more money.

If OP doesn't want to do that, she doesn't have to. She has options, which people have laid out for her. Hire help, go part time, try SAH for a year. She is also free to leave her husband if he is a workaholic who refuses to work less. That is an option as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both stepped back when we realized the balance wasn't working for us: one to a less time demanding position and one to SAH. We cut our already high HHI in half. But, we had lived frugally and saved a ton before then, already bought a forever home in a top school district, since we were somewhat older first time parents. So with very secure finances, we have had zero regrets. Kids can be full pay at any college they choose. We revisited our options every few years to make sure we are both still happy and on board, and 16 years into it, we are still happy. And, of course, the SAH parent is not a couch potato, so there has been no boredom/depression/unfulfilled life issues from letting go of the brass ring -- quite the opposite actually.

Wow. All bragging with no useful information for the OP AND a swipe at other women.

What an a** you are.

[Anonymous]

My experience, for what it's worth:

I NEVER thought I'd SAH. And I remember the exact moment I realized I might end up doing just that, and I remember clearly the horror and shame that I felt. I had been so ambitious in my career, and there were so many parts of it that I loved.

And yet... My DH clearly loved his career more than I loved mine, and I saw how happy it made him, and I was jealous. His career also paid way more generously, with the potential for serious wealth, whereas mine never would. And slowly I realized that although I did love aspects of my career, I also loved being with my children all day (not everyone does, and that's okay) and doing all sorts of little domestic tasks.

I'm sure I could have been happy if I'd kept working, but not working has made our family life so much more relaxed. My DH would not have stayed in his career had I not quit my job, and he regularly credits how (relatively!) stress-free our life is to my choice to stay home. It also helped his career take off, and now we are reaping the financial benefits.

In total I've been a SAHM for almost 10 years, through 3 kids. I would like to work part-time in a couple years, but I would always like to be able to pick the kids up from school, take them to doctors appointments, volunteer for field trips, and be the one who stays home on sick and snow days, so I know my future career is still going to be limited.

But, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was the right choice, for me. Kids grow up so fast. Everyone regrets something, and there are times when I long for a career, but (for me) I'd rather long for a career than long for more time with my children.

It has to be a choice you and your DH make together, though. Don't feel like you MUST stay home because DH refuses to scale back. That's a recipe for resentment. It's important, as a SAHM, to feel appreciated by your spouse. Also, it's important to know that NOTHING IS PERMANENT. I never ever ever thought I'd be home for 10 years. Every year I reevaluated. And I think doing so helped me feel in control.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

I have no ill will towards SAHMs. It's the patriarchy that I disdain. We've normalized the inequality in the workforce, and now it's just a fact that "the man is on track to earn more." This is what troubles me. The OP and moms like her to make some tough "choices," while her spouse doesn't have to. I wish this wasn't the norm.

Also, it's just not helpful to suggest that I'm "attacking" you. If you're looking for drama, pick up a romance novel.

That may be but realize that you're not talking to the "patriarchy" in here though. It's all women. So you're essentially blaming the victims.

+ 1

I wish these anti SAHMs understood.

Very few men post on this web site at all, let alone in random parenting posts with topics headed "Unexpected SAHM."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

I have no ill will towards SAHMs. It's the patriarchy that I disdain. We've normalized the inequality in the workforce, and now it's just a fact that "the man is on track to earn more." This is what troubles me. The OP and moms like her to make some tough "choices," while her spouse doesn't have to. I wish this wasn't the norm.

Also, it's just not helpful to suggest that I'm "attacking" you. If you're looking for drama, pick up a romance novel.

That may be but realize that you're not talking to the "patriarchy" in here though. It's all women. So you're essentially blaming the victims.

The patriarchy is not simply an audience of men. It is systemic in that it normalizes inequality, especially in the workforce. Men, on average, can work extra hours and not feel societal pressure to obtain a "work-life" balance. Indeed, they are often celebrated for showing up to basic childhood events like recitals and games. Women, on average, feel more pressure in the workforce with less guarantee of promotion. They continue to do more work at home, and take on the majority of childcare duties. So, the choice to stay at home often looks "rational." Often it does take career stress of the mother--but that doesn't mean the entire process was somehow rational. If it were rational, then a more equal number of men and women would stay at home in support of the working spouse.

Please stop interpreting any commentary about structural inequality as victim blaming or attacking SAHM. You can really enjoy your life and be satisfied with your decisions, AND ALSO see that the system is rigged against mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

Why do people do this? $$$$

For a lot of men, having a sah wife frees them up to throw all their energy at work and can mean the difference between middle management and C-suite.

In other words, jobs that top out at 250-300k vs. 7 figures.

You care more about a bigger paycheck than your husband putting energy into his family. So be it.

Well first of all, my point simply was that it's a rational decision. You might not make it but it's understandable why other people do. Especially if they don't have family money to fall back on and instead have to build their net worth entirely on their own.

Secondly, in some fields, I don't think it's so simple as making a choice between money on one side and quality time on the other. My husband works in finance. As he becomes more senior in his company, he has more responsibility but he also has more flexibility. He's proven himself. He doesn't have to put so much face time in at the office anymore. He can come and go as he pleases to attend events at the kids' schools or leave early on a Friday afternoon to get a earlier flight for a vacation, etc.

This entire paradigm always perpetuates the success and support of the husband. You talk yourself into knots trying to justify or rationalize your decisions, but I'm not asking you to. It's clear that you want to stay at home--so that's great. This post is about women who don't really want to make that decision, but nevertheless find themselves struggling to achieve a work-life balance because their husband is on some trajectory to make a lot more money or travel more. HIS energy towards work simply cannot be compromised, so women become the default for giving up their own career ambitions.

I am just trying to get people to see beyond what they have already rationalized for themselves. Let's imagine a paradigm inversion, in which dads are shamed for having career ambitions, or can attend school events without having to prove himself at work first.

What you are talking about is unrealistic for families. Sorry, I should say MOST families. MOST families can't handle the stress of having two parents who both work 50-65 hour weeks and travel frequently. That's just the reality of dealing with time constraints and the needs of dependent children. Some families can make it work because they have an unusually dependable nanny or a grandma who moves in but those situations are something of a unicorn. Look at all the posts on here complaining about lacking a village.

So then couples start looking at the numbers. If one parent has to scale back, it makes sense to choose the person who will earn less. In many cases (many but not all) it is the man who is on track to earn more.

Anyway, people aren't telling her to give up work. She has choices. She can go part time, she can hire more out, she can try being a SAHM. It's not all or nothing.

Aside from that, she ASKED for people to who have been in her situation to share their stories. So that's what people have been doing. And you are attacking them for sharing their personal details, which again, is what the OP asked for.

You obviously have an agenda against SAHMs so I'm not sure what you're even doing in this post.

I have no ill will towards SAHMs. It's the patriarchy that I disdain. We've normalized the inequality in the workforce, and now it's just a fact that "the man is on track to earn more." This is what troubles me. The OP and moms like her to make some tough "choices," while her spouse doesn't have to. I wish this wasn't the norm.

Also, it's just not helpful to suggest that I'm "attacking" you. If you're looking for drama, pick up a romance novel.

That may be but realize that you're not talking to the "patriarchy" in here though. It's all women. So you're essentially blaming the victims.

+ 1

I wish these anti SAHMs understood.

Very few men post on this web site at all, let alone in random parenting posts with topics headed "Unexpected SAHM."

Reducing people to being "anti-SAHM" is pretty disingenuous and superficial.