Unexpected sahm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, do it. Then down the road if you feel like your life is starting to lack purpose, find it outside the home (probably not in work). I can't imagine most of the posters on DCUM can honestly say they find their life's purpose in their job. If they do, then whomever they're making rich really did a number brainwashing them into submission. For most people, even highly educated people, a job pays the bills (both today's and retirement's).

I absolutely find my life's purpose in my work. I am President of a small mission driven non profit. I don't make much money by DC standards but wouldn't leave my job for any amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both stepped back when we realized the balance wasn't working for us: one to a less time demanding position and one to SAH. We cut our already high HHI in half. But, we had lived frugally and saved a ton before then, already bought a forever home in a top school district, since we were somewhat older first time parents. So with very secure finances, we have had zero regrets. Kids can be full pay at any college they choose. We revisited our options every few years to make sure we are both still happy and on board, and 16 years into it, we are still happy. And, of course, the SAH parent is not a couch potato, so there has been no boredom/depression/unfulfilled life issues from letting go of the brass ring -- quite the opposite actually.

17:56 here, and wow. Way to be a total bitch assuming that my unhappiness being a SAHM was because I couldn't be bothered to get off the couch.

Everything is not about you.

PP shared her experience of staying home. Stop projecting your insecurities on other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can afford it, do it. Then down the road if you feel like your life is starting to lack purpose, find it outside the home (probably not in work). I can't imagine most of the posters on DCUM can honestly say they find their life's purpose in their job. If they do, then whomever they're making rich really did a number brainwashing them into submission. For most people, even highly educated people, a job pays the bills (both today's and retirement's).

I absolutely find my life's purpose in my work. I am President of a small mission driven non profit. I don't make much money by DC standards but wouldn't leave my job for any amount of money.

NP, but you missed the part where PP said MOST people. I would quit in a second if I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH took any consideration of his career ambitions off the table, forcing you to make a lose-lose choice. You both need to be having these conversations about balancing your careers and families, especially since you both desire to work.

Yeah, I think you need to get into some couples counseling about how you both can make the family function and feel good for everyone. It shouldn't be him saying, "well, I'm not changing so figure it out yourself" it should be BOTH of you saying, "Now that we have kids, how are we going to make things work for everyone?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

[Anonymous]

It was a rough adjustment for me in the very beginning, but it wasn't just the decision to stay at home, it was also just adjusting to parenthood in general. Three kids and many years later (youngest is now in elementary school), I believe it was absolutely the best choice for both me and the family unit as a whole, financially and mentally. I thoroughly enjoy life as a SAHM, and have found joy in my roles as both a mother and school/community volunteer now that I have the kid free hours during the day to do those things. The after school period right now with the elementary and middle school ages is fairly chaotic (instruments, sports, school events like concerts and science fairs) so it's helpful even with full time school, to have the daytime hours to myself to devote to cooking, cleaning, errands, pets, doc appointments. I have more energy for all our running around in the evenings, and our weekends are more relaxing.

I agree with those who said this is all about what you want. If working is important to you, then find a way to maintain your career, even if temporarily it is costing you childcare funds (and perhaps cleaning/landscaping/etc help) to do so. The journey is long. You might pay now for the flexibility and increased salary/payoff down the road.

But yes to answer your question, there are many of us who left careers to stay at home who are very happy with our decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

+1. Original PP, do you also make your husband a martini and rub his feet when he gets home from a Hard Day at the Office? Your life sounds completely miserable. Romance novels and days at the pool with people you don't like much? Yours may be the post the convinces the OP of this thread to just keep working....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

This sounds so suffocating. I would pay money to NOT join a religious group, hang out with moms at the pool, and read romance novels.

The contrast between "My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job" and then "My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids" was a little jarring for me to read.

We all have different expectations of our spouses, but I get really tired of reading how women selflessly accommodate and support their husband's big important careers, and then celebrate when he does the most basic of fatherly duties, like enjoy the company of his kids.

When are we going to start calling men out for their selfish behavior? Story after story on this website emphasize that the husband cannot leave his high paying job that requires a lot of travel. Actually, if all of these moms can change their lives around to meet the needs of their children, then dads can do it too.

Yes. I agree with both of the responses here. Ugh, the original OP sounds so intolerable.

I think she sounds like a nice person who smiles a lot and enjoys spending time with her husband and children.
I imagine her as the lady at the pool in a modest swimsuit that a toddler is trying to pull down, watching and talking to her older kids, but not aggressively playing with them, and talking to the other moms and lifeguards.
When her husband shows up, he is one of those guys with a big job who thinks his wife is the most amazing person in the world for running their family and home life the way she does.
I am not saying that you have to want to be that person, but who hates that person?

Wow you are reading some dull romance novels. Look for a few stories with sexy swimsuits and lifeguard liaisons.

Seriously though--I am not here to bash SAHMs, I think that ground has been covered on DCUM. I'm just wondering why families orbit around the father's star at the expense of the other parent? Why does he not have to make any hard choices, while mothers have to agonize over their current and future job prospects, and also creating a supportive community in lieu of their husband's absence?

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally echo the responses telling you to SAH only if you want to, and if you’ll be proactive enough to build a network and life outside of your kids, whether that is joining a pool/religious group or something else. But it is kind of messed up for your DH to unilaterally decide his career comes first, which is probably a bigger issue at hand..

My mom was a SAHM and a bit of a martyr who quit working to allow my dad to travel overseas constantly, isolated herself, and eventually was overly invested and controlling of her kids. It’s sad, but we barely have a relationship today that’s beyond cordial, and only because I want my son to know his grandparents. On the other hand, my MIL also SAHM and worked part time later on, and had a life outside of her kids, and my husband and her are pretty close.

[Anonymous]

I SAHMed leaving a well-paying but a soul sucking job. There are some things that I negotiated with DH since he was the one who was begging me to SAHM because of his career and travelling.

- I was never going back to work. I put this condition because I knew leaving my job meant that it would be very difficult to get back at the same position. I would have had to start at entry level. Having said that, I will go back to work when I want, but without any pressure to do so.

- DH was responsible entirely for retirement and college. I wanted to know how much my puny by comparison pay mattered to our finances. Evidently, not much!

- I would retain all domestic help that I had in place when I was a WOHM. This was so that I was actually spending time with the kids instead of doing chores that I never liked to do and which I knew would make me very resentful.

- I wanted financial protection - insurance, joint everything etc.

Once all of that was in place. I quit. I filled my kids days with the kind of enrichment that I wanted them to have - museums. trips, parks, arts and crafts, hobbies, sports etc. And I gave my whole family and myself a break by making sure that the outsourcing of chores was enabling all of us to have quality time with each other.

Regarding how others viewed me - I did not care. It was not as if I was unaware of the challenges of being a WOHM and being an office worker. I was not going to fall in that trap.

As far as socializing was concerned - I have my pet projects, causes, hobbies and friend circle. I also started to take a bunch of community college courses for the sheer fun of learning and of course there is volunteering in my kids schools.

This is truly a personal decision. If you hate being at home or with kids or will become anxious/depressed/isolated, please don't stay at home. Working or staying at home - neither will make or break your kids. Children from homes with both WOH or SAH parent(s) are equally successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who was in your shoes. If you like your work and DH won’t scale back, then you need to hire help. If you don’t, you’ll end up resentful. Only SAH if that’s what you really want to do.

+1

I was going to suggest getting an awesome nanny. If your husband makes that much, pay through the nose for good and flexible care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did, and I am so glad. I think the only way to make raising small children with a traveling spouse work is to have a village. And the only way to make yourself a village is to take some time to SAH or work PT and focus on developing those friendships and reciprocal relationships.
Once you have that, then you can return to work with a bit of an emotional and logistical safety net. But before you have it, working and taking care of kids feels so overwhelming.

I've had a very different experience. My village consists solely of WOHMs. We are all very close and help each other out. So it is possible to have that without quitting your job.