Unexpected sahm

[Anonymous]

I never thought I’d want to sah - and I still don’t really but with dh’s demanding / much higher paying job it’s made working at anything interesting and meaningful career wise very stressful to be both primary parent to baby and toddler and a good employee. Dh won’t change his high travel / high pay path so I’m debating what to do. I want my kids to have a stable and loving childhood and will not sacrifice that to pursue my own career ambitions. If you never thought you’d sah but ended up doing it, how did it go emotionally?

[Anonymous]

I would strongly recommend not becoming a SAHM if it's not something you specifically want to do. I made the same choice you're considering making 10 years ago, and basically became more and more depressed over the years until I finally decided to go back to work. I love my kids, but I felt like I'd completely given up myself. Now that I'm working again, I'm much happier and I'm a better, more engaged parent. But I really regret those years I missed and how it has limited my options since going back, and the transition was really hard because we were that much more entrenched in having me as the primary parent than before I stopped working. If I had to do it over again, I would have found a way to stay in the workforce.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this thread is likely to go well, op. Dcum can’t be rational on this subject.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM who was in your shoes. If you like your work and DH won’t scale back, then you need to hire help. If you don’t, you’ll end up resentful. Only SAH if that’s what you really want to do.

[Anonymous]

I never thought I'd want to stay home with my kids either, op. I don't quite understand the first response to you, it seemed nasty. First, you have control over how it goes emotionally. First, you need things you can do and want to do with your kids. For us that required moving to a different house to a neighborhood with lots of kids and a neighborhood pool. The moms are great to socialize with, and it is incredibly relaxing going to the pool and seeing the same crowd. They don't know my innermost thoughts, and I don't know theirs, but I do like the consistency. The libraries are active with kids events, story times and the like, as are the local parks and nature centers. My goal is to spend as little money as possible on kids activities. We bought a house that has a central floor plan, I can hear everything that's going on without being in the same room. When I need/want quiet, I can shut my bedroom door, it is surprisingly sound-proof in there.
Join a religious group of your choosing, it is surprising how quickly your kids will like some of what they learn and the people they meet. Realize that with both groups, (and they) may not like everybody every time you and they see them, but they are a core group you can get to know. That is incredible valuable. Join a moms group, the good ones will keep you informed of events you can do during the day. Incorporate your kids into your interests, we are waiting for the Falcon Heavy to launch. Two of my kids are excited about it, and if the youngest gets up, he's joining us. Find books that you like that may be appropriate for your kids, the books get better the older they get. Tell them what you're reading and why you like it. Even my preschooler understands that romance books make me happy because people get married at the end. In other words, treat your kids like you value them. Listen to them and let them know what matters to you. Don't be afraid to tell your husband what you need. View staying at home as a career and act accordingly. Men aren't shy about asking for and getting what they need in order to do their jobs, so don't hesitate to learn from. My husband was thrilled about a new computer he got for his job. Finally, make sure your husband knows you and the kids need and want him around as much as possible. Nobody wants to be viewed as a walking wallet. Talk with him about why he travels so much and what he gets out of it. If it works for the family that's fine, just don't except it as what "has to be" if/when it becomes untennable to you or the kids. My husband seems surprised at how much he enjoys our kids. Make sure you and your kids aren't getting the butt end of your husband when he is home. All of you deserve better then that including him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop bragging. Hire a nanny and then you can go shopping every day.

That doesn't seem like helpful advice, you are just being mean

OP, it sounds like you don't need your income, in your shoes I'd quit and prioritize my kids. Or cut back your hours significantly.

I stayed home for a year and a half. I loved it but also missed work a bit. I didn't miss the long hours or the work I had to do from home, so I went back part time, I work very little,12 hrs a week, the pay is peanuts, but it's enough to keep me in busy professionally and it still allows me to be the primary parent.
Who watches your kids now?

[Anonymous]

We both stepped back when we realized the balance wasn't working for us: one to a less time demanding position and one to SAH. We cut our already high HHI in half. But, we had lived frugally and saved a ton before then, already bought a forever home in a top school district, since we were somewhat older first time parents. So with very secure finances, we have had zero regrets. Kids can be full pay at any college they choose. We revisited our options every few years to make sure we are both still happy and on board, and 16 years into it, we are still happy. And, of course, the SAH parent is not a couch potato, so there has been no boredom/depression/unfulfilled life issues from letting go of the brass ring -- quite the opposite actually.

[Anonymous]

I did, and I am so glad. I think the only way to make raising small children with a traveling spouse work is to have a village. And the only way to make yourself a village is to take some time to SAH or work PT and focus on developing those friendships and reciprocal relationships.
Once you have that, then you can return to work with a bit of an emotional and logistical safety net. But before you have it, working and taking care of kids feels so overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both stepped back when we realized the balance wasn't working for us: one to a less time demanding position and one to SAH. We cut our already high HHI in half. But, we had lived frugally and saved a ton before then, already bought a forever home in a top school district, since we were somewhat older first time parents. So with very secure finances, we have had zero regrets. Kids can be full pay at any college they choose. We revisited our options every few years to make sure we are both still happy and on board, and 16 years into it, we are still happy. And, of course, the SAH parent is not a couch potato, so there has been no boredom/depression/unfulfilled life issues from letting go of the brass ring -- quite the opposite actually.

17:56 here, and wow. Way to be a total bitch assuming that my unhappiness being a SAHM was because I couldn't be bothered to get off the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who was in your shoes. If you like your work and DH won’t scale back, then you need to hire help. If you don’t, you’ll end up resentful. Only SAH if that’s what you really want to do.

This.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, do it. Then down the road if you feel like your life is starting to lack purpose, find it outside the home (probably not in work). I can't imagine most of the posters on DCUM can honestly say they find their life's purpose in their job. If they do, then whomever they're making rich really did a number brainwashing them into submission. For most people, even highly educated people, a job pays the bills (both today's and retirement's).

[Anonymous]

Get a part time job OP or do part-time consulting

Consultant looks good on a resume. Don't have to say it's not 40 hours if you don't want

[Anonymous]

DH took any consideration of his career ambitions off the table, forcing you to make a lose-lose choice. You both need to be having these conversations about balancing your careers and families, especially since you both desire to work.

[Anonymous]

If you can go part time. Go part time. Keep your finger in the pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM who was in your shoes. If you like your work and DH won’t scale back, then you need to hire help. If you don’t, you’ll end up resentful. Only SAH if that’s what you really want to do.

This.

Double “this”. Hire a great nanny with prior teaching experience (what I did) so your children will gain something more than a resentful mother who didn’t want to be home full time.